some of us must process our lives through journaling in order to make sense of things. 

i’m one of those some.

unjournaled moments are a haze of thick goop overhead.

On this Mother’s Day, I am thinking about our little foster daughter, wondering where she is and what she is learning right now, and wishing that she was still in our care.  I’m thankful that God is her perfect Parent who can love her perfectly and transformatively.  I am praying that she would know his perfect love for her and that he would transform any ashes in her life into beauty.  I miss you, my little girl. 

Recently, I received a newsletter from one of my former workplaces.  Just holding the envelope in my hands inspired strong negative feelings, which made me realize that I was still unknowingly holding onto some unresolved hurts and disappointments from my time working there.  To be free from those feelings, I knew I had to identify the root of all my negative feelings (i.e. what incidents led to these feelings?), allow myself to explore the depths of those emotions, and then at last ask God to enter into those moments and bring truth into that situation (i.e. show me how that situation should‘ve been).  These are the usual steps for inner healing.  But I was feeling resistant because it’s often a grueling, time-consuming process.

Saturday, I attended an inner-healing workshop, and, Sunday, I led a Bible study that happened to be about healing as well.  All this pointed to the fact that I needed to bring this work situation before God.

Sunday night, I had a dream.

In the dream, I was at work.  There, I had decided to work on a project that I felt was an important need.  While working on it, my boss from my first post-college job approached.  As I saw him, I was filled with a feeling of dread.  Was he going to be critical and tell me I shouldn’t be doing what I was doing?  I almost scrambled to find something else to do.  But he came.  When he asked what I was doing, I told him, and he said genuinely, “That’s a great idea!”  Then he told me he had a new, big project for me where I could employ my creativity and even do it from home.  I had the choice of whether or not to do it; it was up to me, and he would pay me extra for this project. 

That was the extent of my dream, but when I woke up, I knew right away that it was God bringing truth to my work situations.  Because, though I had only been thinking about one work place, I have actually had two very negative work experiences.  Both were addressed in the dream: 

1.  In Workplace #1, my boss was very critical and unaffirming.  I felt like my spirit was crushed while I worked there.  In this dream, my boss was actually affirming, and it was genuine. 
2.  In Workplace #2, the work environment was very micromanaged.  I felt like someone was always looking over my shoulder, correcting my work and telling me to re-do it.  In this dream, I was being given freedom to choose, flexibility, independence and an opportunity to be creative.
3.  In Workplace #2, there was a general sense of stinginess.  The obsession with being good stewards of time and money bordered on oppression.  In this dream, my boss was generous and gracious.

As I wrote these three points down and began to journal about my past work situations with specific incidents, I realized that this dream sums up the core issues.  And through it, God speaks to my heart, saying, This is how it should’ve been, Mary Ann.  He wants me to be affirmed, to have freedom to be creative, and to experience grace in relationships. 

Psalm 16:7, “I will praise the Lord who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me.”  I love that even in my dreams, God desires to speak his words of love to me.

I am memorizing Psalm 16:8 and having a hard time with it because it says, “I keep my eyes always on the Lord…”  In reality, I know this isn’t true in my life.  If the psalmist David had written, “I will” or “I want to”, that would be truthful for me, but this is a declaration that he already does!  This is my desire, because I know that “With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.”

How do you move from desire — and knowing it’s your prayer — to making it a reality?  Perhaps declaring it over and over will drive that stake into the ground. 

Every time I look at the verse, my heart lunges forward.  I want to go from here to there — everything in me surges forward.  But I know I need his help to get there.

My life could most easily be summed up in this one word:  Lordship.  It has been a continual battle for and declaration of Christ’s lordship in my life. 

Psalm 16:2, “I say to the Lord, ‘You are my LORD; apart from you, I have no good thing.’”

When I meditate on this verse, I always emphasize the first ‘you’.  “I say to the Lord, ‘YOU are my Lord…’”  He is my Lord — and not anyone or anything else.  But what does that mean and what does that look like in my life?  I had 27 years of singlehood in which I came at some certain point to grasp what his lordship looked like in my single-minded, devoted life.  But what does it look like now?  After 5 years of marriage and 2 years of parenthood, I can confidently say that I don’t know!

I wrestle with my flesh and my responsibilities on a daily basis.  There’s the tiredness, exhaustion and sheer lazyness.  There’s the endless list of to-dos.  And the enduring longing to spend every precious moment with my baby.  How do I give him lordship over all of these?  And what does that look like?

The deepest depths of my soul knows that apart from him — apart from him — I have no good thing.  So why is it that I spend so many moments and so many days apart from him?  Tasks drive my life rather than my soul-craving.  Why do I live my life apart from him?

Lord, you are my Lord!  Some days, I get this right.  I declare it and I live it with every ounce and fiber of my being.  And I experience all that is good — yes, all that is good – from being united with him.  And I realize in those moments that I cannot bow enough, I cannot worship enough, I cannot honor and exalt him enough.  He is the Lord — he is my Lord — and apart from him, I have nothing good. 

When the psalmist David wrote ‘LORD’, he didn’t just mean ‘sir’.  He was referring to YHWH — the very personal, very intimate, graciously revealed, covenant God of Israel.  And that is who he is.  Lord, you are my very intimate God who has graciously revealed himself to me.  You are my LORD!  Deeply, personally, intimately — why would I ever want to be apart from you when I have known you and you know me?

I never want to be apart from you. 

But how do I make this true, truer and ever-more-so true each new day?

I found this in one of my old journal entries:

June 4, 2002
“I prayed, ‘Lord God, I am so tired.  Please help me.’  As I was lying there feeling a dull ache on my insides, I felt him say to me, ‘My daughter, my little girl, I want to heal you.’  And then the words of Malachi, ‘But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings…’ (Mal. 4:2).  That’s not an “if…then” conditional statement.  It’s just a truth — a matter of course.”

I love that –

“My daughter, my little girl, I want to heal you.” 

This past week, I had to revisit an old topic.  I had a good friend in college who ended his life a few years ago.  When I have thought of him since, my heart would drop like it was falling down an elevator shaft, and I want to say, “Why did you have to leave us?  Why didn’t you stick around longer to see how much you were loved by everyone?”  And I have felt guilt.  I could’ve should’ve done more to make it apparent that there were people in this world who cared for him.

And the thing is that I am guilty.  Of selfishness and disobedience.  He came to us and shared with us things that were troubling him.  We meant to spend more time with him.  But we didn’t.

How do you free yourself of condemnation when your transgression has an irrevocable impact on another’s life?  In most situations, I’ve been able to rectify the situation somehow — apologize and make amends.  But in this case, I cannot.

How does 1 John 1:9 apply to me?  In this world, when one person does something horrible to another person, the victim naturally wants to think of the worse form of punishment and stick it to them.  Similarly, if you are the one who wronged someone else, you want to punish yourself by depriving yourself of all good things.  The sad truth is that as much as you try to punish yourself or someone else, it never seems enough.  The reason is that the damage has been done.  If you’ve run over someone’s dog or cheated on a loved one, you can’t resurrect their dog or blot out the fact that you cheated.  That’s why it must be “a life for a life”.  And it can’t be just any life.  No, the substitution of a messed-up, corrupt life who has damaged others is not good enough to make amends.  Because how would another sinner actually be able blot out the damage that’s been done?  It doesn’t undo what’s been done.  It must, must be the perfect, innocent life of the eternal God.  He alone will make it enough.

Jesus’ sacrifice is sufficient to cover this trespass and blot out the transgression.  Because he never wronged anyone and he took on my punishment for this specific wrong, an exchange has taken place.  His perfect record for my blemished record.  I get his righteousness. 

It doesn’t seem fair!  But Jesus paid it all.  He made the payment with the worse form of punishment.  And it is good enough.

Sunday’s sermon at Coast was about freedom from condemnation.  In Christ, we are free from condemnation and that freedom is available now.  God is holding back the waters at the Red Sea so that I can walk into that freedom.  I just need to put one foot in front of the other and walk through.  And. receive. that. freedom.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I’ve always suffered some angst over my name.  There are so many possibilities:
Mary Ann
MaryAnn
Marianne
MarryAnn
Mary???

These days it’s really hard to know how to really spell my name.  Is there a space or no space?  Those who have known me long know that it’s

“Mary Ann”

But what those long-time friends don’t know is that when I changed my surname, I also gave in and changed my first name as well.  I felt like a traitor to myself for doing so, but to be honest, I would rather someone omit the space than address me as Mary, because “Mary” is simply not my name.  So officially, it’s MaryAnn, and I’ve grown to accept this spelling; but to be honest, in my heart of hearts, my name will always be –

Mary Ann.

“Stuck”

In my grief, I often saw myself at the bottom of a pit, all alone, stuck, and wanting to get above ground. 

My greatest breakthrough came when I realized that Jesus wasn’t standing above the pit, waiting for me to climb out, so that I can resume being a part of life.  He was down in the pit with me.  He was with me in my pain.

“Standing in the Pain”

Sometimes the pain can be so fierce, though, I have often chosen to distance myself from my pain.  I put all my pain in a room, close the door, and walk away.  The reality, though, is that even as I walk away, I can never really be free from it — not unless I press into the pain with Jesus.  A wound will not heal with a bandage stuck on it unless the wound has been cleansed.  Cleansing requires exposure.  And exposure takes courage.

As the one who grieves, this seems impossible.

But there is a door.  There is a room.
You don’t want to go in.  There is too much pain. 
But Jesus is there.  He’s already there. 
He will stand in the pain with you.

It really takes courage to walk into that room, but it helps me to remember that Jesus is already in there with arms outstretched to embrace me.  And even better.  He will take my hand and walk with me into that room where the pain has been hidden.

“A Good Friend”

Being a good friend means being the one who will take the other hand of the one grieving and help them to walk into that room and stand with them in their pain.  I have come to realize that, in that standing, I have to face my own pain.  I have to ask, How would I feel if I was experiencing this?  What would really comfort me now?  That reflection will lead me to remember my own pain again.  And in that remembering, I become the best friend I possibly can be.  But this is nothing near easy.  To be honest, I don’t want to face that pain again.  I’d rather pray for someone from a distance than engage so deeply with my heart.  But without engaging, without pressing into my own pain, I know I won’t be the only one who will miss out on what God is doing.

“Remembering”
Sometimes, part of grieving is simply remembering.  I remember you, my dear brother.  I remember how we used to run into each other across campus — Library Walk, Price Center, “Peterson Hill” — and stand and talk about life and God and how far along we were on our TMS verses.  When I pulled out my old verse card holder the other day, I remembered you and our conversations. 

“Cycling”
Remembering always leads me back through DABA.  No one ever told me that grieving goes through cycles.  I thought you just go through the Denial, Anger, Bargaining and end up at Acceptance, and then you move on with your life.  I didn’t realize that after acceptance, you may end up at denial all over again.  And you keep cycling through DABA as you journey along the path around the mountain of grief, going higher and higher.  I may experience denial again but I’m at a higher vantage point from the last time.  There is hope!

In remembering, I always find myself asking the “why” questions.  Eventually, I end up back at acceptance.  Acceptance and faith — faith that though I don’t understand, though I will never get all my whys answered — faith that I believe in a God who is good and loving — yes, absolutely good and absolutely loving, though I do not understand.

Whenever I remember that it’s almost Easter, my heart leaps with excitement.  It seems silly.  It’s not like it’s my birthday.  I don’t get presents.  There’s no party.  There’s no cake.  But I get excited as if it were my birthday.  At Easter, we remember and we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus.  Because Jesus came back to life, we have life.  We have victory over sin and death.  We have no fears.  We are set free!  The gift of his resurrection trumps every party, every present, and every other good thing we can think of on earth. 

As I think about Easter this year, I think about how I want to introduce Easter to my toddler this year and the years to come.  How will we celebrate?  I want to throw a party befitting the tremendous event that changed the course of history — no, more than that — eternity.  There should be a parade with a marching band, confetti, trumpets, music, dancing, singing, everyone announcing, proclaiming, exclaiming, rejoicing…!  Can’t wait for the day when we will have that party!