In regard to my desire to live in faith and in freedom in 2010:  Fear and pain are intertwined for me, because I've allowed both to keep me from pursuing the things of God.  I need to leave as much of both behind as possible as we leave 2009, so I can move forward in faith and freedom in 2010.

Some notable pains have been ministry burnout in the past (which left the lingering fear that I will experience the searing pain of being burned again if I make commitments to serve), a best friend's death (which left me reluctant to love and invest in lives for fear of losing again), another death of another good friend...

Healing from pain is a continual process, and the reality is that there's never really an end to certain kinds of pains.  Those pains are the falling-on-my-knees, flat on my face with hands open, desperate to receive from God kind -- the kind where there are rivers of tears and pages of journaling.  But even so, after miles of rivers have passed, you do arrive at a point where you have received from God sufficient enough for you to move on.  As CS Lewis observed, it's like the warming of a room or the coming of daylight.  You don't really recognize the progress of your healing, the light or the warmth until it's already been going on for awhile.  There's still much giving over to God that needs to be done, of which I want to give over as much as possible before the close of this year; but, with the end of this year, I want to sing, "it's time I started dancing over all these graves ".  It's time I turn in my resignation for my career of being a wounded victim, a paralytic, and an invalid.  It's time to walk, leap and dance.  In freedom.

In regard to my desire to live in humility in 2010:  I am feeling inspired by a desire to leave my spiritual resume behind.  I confess that one of the prideful fears I had when we started attending a new church was the fear of not being known - not being known for my gifts and the experiences I've had in serving God.  I started feeling really weighed down by the responsibility I felt of getting back to where I once was in serving -- teaching, discipling, mentoring, etc.  But something God has impressed on me is the realization that I cannot teach if I cannot learn.  There's so much I have to learn!  And it's okay, and even great, for me to start fresh.  I can throw aside the burden of playing an "expert" (whoever said I was an expert in all things spiritual, anyway?) and of doing everything the same as before.  This realization makes me feel very free -- I am being released to seek ways to serve God in different capacities in sharing His heart with others, and as I try these new ways, I can be a humble learner.  Lord, make me teachable, make me humble, make me your servant.  

In regard to my desire for more prayer in 2010:  There's an image in my mind of someone walking up a slope, stepping into and finding, before them, a vast, open field of undiscovered land.  That's how it's been for me with prayer.  I'm just standing on top of this hill, that's starting to look more like a precipice, realizing that there's so much ground before me that has yet to be uncovered.  It's exciting, thrilling and terrifying. 

So what does it mean to pray incessantly?  With boldness?  With authority?

I am challenged by the fact that not only does God have the power to heal but that He wants to do it and He wants to do it now, here, for the people I know -- and not just at some other time, in some other place, and for people unknown to me.  Truly, if I believe that God has the power to raise Jesus from the dead, isn't it a lesser miracle to believe that He can heal people today?  The gospels of Matthew and Mark both tell us that Jesus did not do many miracles in His hometown because of their lack of faith.  So what has my lack of faith hindered God from doing?

This is one area in my life that I definitely need to be a learner.  People at our church demonstrate what it means to pray in the Spirit and with authority.  Praying alongside them makes me realize that I have far deeper depths to delve in this area.  How often have I only, merely repeated someone's request when I prayed for them?  How little have I actually waited on God and listened to the Holy Spirit to lead me in what to pray for them.  To wait and to listen means to be enabled to pray with authority. 

How I long to pray in such a way that hearts will be set free.  Lord, teach me how to listen to you, teach me how to pray.

In regard to my desire to live in harmony with others as much as I am able in 2010:  This is closely related to a need to seek reconciliation before the close of 2009.  Something I realize is that it's hard to say, "I'm sorry" but it's even harder for me to tell someone I have forgiven them.  (Strange, isn't it?  You'd think the latter would be easier.)  But one thing I've realized is that there is freedom in asking forgiveness and there's even greater freedom in forgiving. 

Phil 2:3-4 has been the leading verse in this area:
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.  Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." 

- How do I make sure I am looking out for the interests of others?
- How do I value others above myself?
- How do I act with humility?

To "value someone above myself" could mean to apologize even if I'm not necessarily wrong or the only one who did wrong.

"In humility" means to treat myself as of lower rank and importance, not with condescension, not with arrogance.

Especially in terms of reconciliation, I need to not seek to make myself feel better.  The purpose is to apologize if I have offended or wronged someone in order to right a wrong.  I'm not looking for apologies in return.  Also, even if I am not forgiven, that is ok too. 

In regard to 'more generosity' as one of my goals for 2010:  Something that God made me realize a long time ago was that you don't need more money to be more generous, what you do need is a clear understanding of the God who Provides.  I am challenged when I think about the widow whom Jesus commended in Mark 12.  He was pleased with her, not because of the actual amount she put into the offering box, but because of what it meant to her.  The fraction of a penny that she put in was actually worth everything to her.  It was all she had to live on.  Am I able to give everything to God?

Richard Foster captures well how to be more generous in Celebration of Discipline:
"If what we have we receive as a gift, and if what we have is to be cared for by God, and if what we have is available to others, then we will possess freedom from anxiety."

"We cling to our possessions rather than sharing because we are anxious about tomorrow. But if we truly believe that God is who Jesus said He is then we do not need to be afraid.  When we come to see God as the Almighty Creator and our loving Father we can share because we know that He will care for us."

The way to more generosity comes from more trust in God.  I need to see everything I have as a gift from God that I can easily pass along to others, because God will see to it (yereh-lo) that it'll be passed back to me again if ever I have need.

Psalm 16:2, "I say to the LORD, 'You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing.'"

Apart from God, I have "things", but I have no GOOD thing.

I endeavor to know nothing and desire nothing but God.

As this year comes to an end, I choose to:
1. leave behind the hurts & pains (from this year and all the previous years) (as much as possible)
2. fight off my fears with faith
3. throw off the burden of my spiritual resume
4. seek forgiveness and reconciliation

In 2010, I desire to:
1. Live in harmony with others as much as I'm able
    - act with deference towards others, so that I don't have to say sorry but say sorry when I have to
2. Live in humility
    - leave my spiritual resume behind
    - be teachable, be a learner
3. Live in faith
    - when confronted with fears, step out in faith
    - don't let fears hold me back
    - seek God's empowerment as I walk in obedience
4. Live in freedom
    - don't be a wounded victim, don't be a paralytic or an invalid; walk, leap, dance in freedom
    - continue to seek healing where needed

In 2010, I envision:
1.  more prayer (personal & intercessory)
     - what does it mean to pray: 
          incessantly? 
          with boldness? 
          with authority?
2.  more Holy Spirit
     - being empowered by Him
     - being led by Him
3.  more waiting
     - listening to the Holy Spirit
     - silence, be slow to speak
4.  more intimacy
     - apart from God, I have no good thing
5.  more vision
    - purpose, meaning
    - revelations from God (which stems from all the previous)
6.  more action
    - how can we be 'defenders of the weak' and 'comforters of the needy'?
7.  more generosity
     - bless others by sharing what He's given us