November 21:  It's about 2 am and I awoke 20 minutes ago to the sound of my 3 year old crying. She doesn't usually cry during the middle of the night, so something must've woken her up.  Hubby helped her fall back asleep and now they're both sound asleep.  I'm still awake though because around that time, I start noticing a change in the feel of my contractions. 

For the last few weeks, the contractions have come and gone at intermittent intervals, sometimes stronger than at other times, depending on how active I had been that day.  There were at least two evenings when I was certain that it was time to go to the hospital because the contractions were 5 minutes apart.  However, they always seemed to subside by the morning.  The contractions seem to start from one area and then spread from that center.  It felt like a tightening of my whole belly.  They were mildly painful but somewhat tolerable.  About 30 minutes ago, the contractions changed.  It feels more like my uterus is being squeezed as tightly as possible.  The pain wraps around from my front to my lower back.  These don't feel like "practice" anymore.

Had to stop writing because I was seized by a contraction for 5+ minutes, couldn't move, couldn't get off my chair.  In fact, I called Sam on the phone (he was in our bedroom sleeping) to tell him it's time to go to the hospital!  He thought it was a phone malfunction so hung up on me...twice!  I texted our friend Emily who lives up the street to come over (the plan was for her to sleep over until my mom could come get our 3-year old in the morning).  Finally, when the pain was over, I wadddled into the room and told Sam, "It's time to go!"  He leaped out of bed.

On the way to the hospital, my contractions stopped its regularity and the pain subsided.  I wondered if it was a mistake to be going to the hospital, but it was too late, we already called the doctor, Emily was already at our house... there was no choice but to move forward!  Hopefully, they wouldn't turn us away.   On the drive, I was chatty and in a great mood.  This was a great contrast to the last time I went into labor when my water broke and every inch on the road felt like a painful mile long. 

We arrived at the hospital minutes later and got checked in.  By the early morning, the contractions got increasingly painful... 

At 6:05 AM, a little baby boy let out his first cry... weighing a meager 6 lbs and 1 oz.  When the nurse brought him up to me and I saw him for the first time, I wanted to cry.  My heart overflowed with awe and amazement and gratitude as I saw a perfectly healthy baby boy.  All those months of cautious eating and prayer for a healthy baby were answered.  There had always been that knowing that I can pray and eat right and do all the right things, but the outcome was completely out of my hands.  Life is truly a gift from God and I had been keenly aware of it throughout my entire pregnancy.  The word "natan" in Hebrew means "gift", and that is exactly who he is -- a precious gift.

Many people feel strongly that we ought to celebrate one holiday at a time.  Christmas decorations in November, before Thanksgiving, seem hurried and somewhat ridiculous.  But for some of us, Christmas can't get here fast enough.  The Christmas tree, the twinkling lights, the velvet stockings, the flickering candles, the warm fires, the smell of pine, the celebratory time with family and, most importantly, the focus on the Word that became flesh...the entrance of the One who changed the whole world and the entire course of my life... how can I not love Christmas?

This year, the demand for an early commencement of Christmas celebration was urged most emphatically by our young preschooler.  And how can I resist?  The awe and wonder in her heart is mirrored in my own.  And when I hear her squeals and see her face light up, I am touched in profound new ways as I experience it all for the first time through her. 

This year, as we are putting up Christmas decorations, I find myself pausing every so often as a contraction arrests my attention.  It's the other reason that urges us along in our Christmas festivities -- the reality that by time that Christmas does arrive, so will our new baby -- and at that time, there won't be any available opportunity to do any decorating.  So as we hang up the stockings and pull out the strings of lights, I can't help but reflect on the many challenges that we will undoubtedly face as well as the joy that will well up within me when I finally get to see my son for the first time. 

Life is such a gift, and throughout the course of this pregnancy, I have been repeatedly reminded of what a gift really is.  Freely given.  Unmerited.  Unrepayable.  And I am an undeserved recipient.    This Christmas, more than any other, I celebrate life and grace, and grace and life, all intertwined, with the breathless awe and wonder of my preschooler.  And so how can I resist but start now?  It's never too soon for Christmas.

Pregnancy has not been as bad this second time around.  Nausea lasted until 17 weeks this time instead of the end of 6 months, and being a vegetarian (read: meat made me wanna hurl) wasn't as bad during the first trimester with a close friend by my side who *is* a vegetarian.  Second trimester saw me extremely mobile and productive -- unlike the first pregnancy when I was still languishing on the sofa during that time.  And third trimester, although my body has certainly taken the hit (read: exhaustion) has been an excited anticipation of holding my baby boy.  Being diabetic during third trimester once again has not seemed as devastating as the first time.  Perhaps it's easier when you know what to expect (or easier when you expect the worse and get slightly better??).  But on the whole, this hasn't been so bad.  And, good or bad, I am in awe and utterly grateful that we are anticipating a new addition to our family come December.

Yet, still... Gestational Diabetes, how I dislike thee. 

A record of my list of cravings that I cannot have right now:

1.  Chocolate cake (chocolate lava cake sounds so good right now)

2.  Ice cream (take me to the DQ after this!)

3.  Smoothies

4.  Ruffles Cheddar & Sour Cream chips

5.  French Fries and mashed potatoes

6.  A burger with both buns

7.  Sashimi

8.  Sandwich (w/deli meat)

9.  Banh Mi

10.  Vietnamese food in general (which is mostly carbs)

11.  Noodles (Ramen and Udon and Pho which was already mentioned in 10)

12.  Honey Bunches of Oats

13.  French bread (with butter...mmm...)

14.  Pasta

15.  Pizza

Is the sacrifice worth it?  Yes!!!  A resounding yes.  But can't wait til I can have my chocolate cake in one hand and my baby in the other. 

There are many different milestones in the journey of being a mom.  The moment that you find out you're going to be a mom.  The first time you see the little cashew-shaped blob that is your baby on the ultrasound or hear the heartbeat.  And the first time you feel the baby move and know it's the baby and not an air bubble. 

Tonight I felt the baby's movements.  Last night, it was a maybe but tonight it was definite.  I even asked, "Baby, if it's you moving, do it again for mama."  And s/he did.  As I talked to the baby and began singing to him/her, baby moved some more.  And then it all became so much more real to me that we are going to have another baby.  I'm "mama" to someone else.  My daughter is the sister of someone.  We're a family of four and not three.  Everything in life is going to be different from now on...

This was the song I was singing:
God is so good.
God is so good.
God is so good,
He's so good to us.

He cares for you (my baby),
He cares for me (your mama),
He cares for us (our family),
He's so good to us.

Yes, he is.

May I always be able to sing that, come what may

God gave us a baby girl!  Hopefully, I'll have more time and energy to write about it soon...

As the days of pregnancy are quickly coming to a close, I had the brief thought today that I might miss a bit of this season in my life.  Not that I would want repetition of the nausea, vomiting, dietary restrictions, needle-pricking or this reality of a train running over my body -- but I will miss waking up every morning with the constant, continual, everyday hopeful, expectant anticipation of a miracle.  That's what this season has been like - I and everyone else around me are all looking to the future, eagerly expectant of something wonderful that's going to happen.  Even strangers look at me with knowing smiles and sparkles in their eyes as we share in this universal feeling of Hope from the anticipation of new life.  Joy really springs from the Hope of something wonderful to come, doesn't it?

I think this is what (should) make the gospel so enticing.  In the gospel, we are promised an inheritance beyond comparison and guaranteed a future full of good and wonderful things.  We have Hope like no other.  Therefore, we ought to wake up and live every single day with hopeful expectation of a miracle that is about to happen that very day.  As Frank Laubach wrote, wouldn't it be glorious to live a year with the view in mind that you will say at the end of it,"This, this has been the finest year of my life" or to be able to look ahead and say, "The present year can and shall be better!"?  That is the hope he anticipated as he resolved to fill every minute of every day full of God.  Just because this season of my life is coming to an end, it doesn't mean that my life has to slip back into some kind of dreary existence where there's nothing to look forward to.  That would be false living.  With Christ, I really can keep on living with a constant, continual, everyday hopeful, expectant anticipation of a miracle. 

Someone was wearing a shirt yesterday that had Jn 12:24 on it, and it reminded me of the truth I can cling to for the pains of the impending labor.  It's inevitable, this labor that will come!  But it's my Lord and Master Jesus who tells me that "unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed.  But if it dies, it produces many seeds."  Do I want my life to be self-contained?  Will my final breath be the end of me - or will my life give way to more life?  It was because Jesus CHOSE to give Himself up that millions and billions have the life that is truly life.  If He had not suffered and died (and came back to life), I would not have life.  Though I have no real "choice" at this point (for the giving up of my body happened about 9 months ago), and this death of my "self" is impending, there's still this need to choose in my heart to die.  I must choose to imitate Him because that is how I will take hold of this "life" more firmly, more surely, more fully, more deeply.

Lord, teach me (show me, give me the strength and ability) to die so that another might live.  Continue to show me in labor, as you have through this pregnancy, and then with this given pattern, help me to continue on in this way of sacrifice and self-giving for all the days of my life.  Help me, Lord, to not focus on "death" and dying but to fix my gaze on the Life and the fullness of Joy which stems from this life that You bring.

Our little baby is coming soon -- very, very soon -- and we are super excited to be parents again.  Again.  Although this will be our first time as biological parents, it won't be our first time as parents.  It feels a little different this time around.  The anticipation of our biological baby is visible with my growing belly, with all the doctor's visits, with physical changes in my body, the ultrasounds and the universal excitement from all.  The anticipation of our foster baby was less visible - no bodily changes, no ultrasounds and mixed feelings from everyone around us.  Expecting a biological baby has been quite an experience.  There really is something so incredible and amazing about God developing a little life inside of me and the bonding I've already gotten to experience with this little baby.  But expecting a foster baby was also quite the experience as well.  It is no less wonderful and no less special to have an adopted/foster baby.  Having been down both roads, I wanted to set the record straight.  Some people foster/adopt because they are unable to have biological children.  Some people foster/adopt because they have been given that unique ability to love the orphans which God so often speaks of.  Both find, in the adoptive experience, the wonder, the beauty, and the joy in giving love in the way that the Father does.  There is nothing on earth that can replace doing as He does, imitating His character, being obedient to His will, embodying His love, and identifying with His heart. 

We absolutely love, love, love our coming biological baby!  But we also absolutely love, love, love the little foster baby that God gave us a year ago, and we will absolutely love, love, love the future foster/adopted babies that He will give to us.

Whenever Sam goes away on a work trip, we always hug and kiss goodbye at least a dozen times.  It always crosses my mind that this could be the last time I would see him.  As I thought about him today on the drive to the doctor's, I realized again what a gift God has given me in Sam. 

As we have attended childbirth classes and gone to our hospital tour and met other dads-to-be as well as fathers of young babies, I've been able to see what a contrast Sam is to them.  A lot of these dads scoff, mock or make jokes about childbirth and labor.  The moms are intent on learning; they're concerned, they're making themselves ready for this grand new responsibility.  But a lot of these dads seem far-removed -- or at least, very much so backseat participants and observers with an attitude of, "This is her thing, not mine.  I'm just here to be support if necessary."  Sam is so different from them.  He is truly my partner in all this.  This is our thing.  Not only is he in the front seat, sometimes he is driving!  He is more eager to read up all the information we need to know about pregnancy and childbirth than I am.  He was the one to do the research to find the best OB and the best hospital for us to have our baby.  And he has told me not to worry about trying to find a pediatrician because he'll take care of doing the research.  And unlike other dads who dread and despise going shopping for baby things and getting things ready for the baby (i.e. we've heard other dads complaining about how difficult it is to put the crib together, etc), Sam's always more than happy to do these things.

And how he loves our little baby!  He's always talking to the little baby in my tummy and so excited when Baby moves.  It just doesn't get old for him (which I thought it would by now).  If I tell him the baby's moving, he'll stop what he's doing, come to my side and put his hand where the baby had moved, and he'll wait and wait until the baby moves again.  Every movement, every hiccup, every jab and roll is like a little miracle to us, and he has yet to treat it like it isn't.  He really loves our little baby!  There's no way to describe the depth of his love for this little life that neither of us has met.  There is so much eagerness, excitement and anticipation.  Witnessing his love for our little baby helps me understand - even just a glimpse - of 1John 3:1, "How great the love the Father has lavished on us that we should be called children of God!"  Such endearing love Sam has for our little one -- even before s/he has even done one good deed, smiled at us or done anything remotely "cute" -- a love that has been formed and forged and developed simply because this little one belongs to us.  God created him/her, and s/he is ours to take care of until He sees fit to take him/her home.  And we love this little one deeply, just because.  That's what God's unexplainable love for us is like, measure for measure.

What a gift that God has given Sam to me to be my partner in life.  There is no one more devoted, loving and wonderful as him.  How much I love him - words cannot describe.  Thank you, God, for this best gift that you have ever given me.  May I endeavor to give you sufficient praise for your lavish love toward me (in giving him to me) all the days of my life!

As my pregnancy is coming down to the last month, I realize that there's one thing I will really miss about it.  I will miss the connection I have with our little baby.  Right now, our lives are intertwined.  When s/he moves, I am completely aware of it... and it's special.  The rolls and jabs are like evidences of little miracles, reminders that there's a little life inside.  Later on, if I want to see or touch the baby, I will have to physically go to where s/he is.  Right now, it's constant, continual, ongoing.  Yup, that's definitely what I will miss.

But there's one thing about pregnancy I won't miss.  In this last trimester, I have had to adjust to a new lifestyle as a diabetic, with the pressure that if I don't adhere closely to the dietary plan, I will bring risk to the baby.  I'm thankful that God has given me a new found compassion for diabetics, but it has been challenging!  Here's a little of what it has looked like.  (A record mostly for me to remember in the future.)

Every morning when I wake up, I take 1/2 of a glyburide pill (glyburide is a catalyst for insulin) immediately and take my blood sugar level before rolling out of bed.  The diabetic nurse said that getting up to walk around could skew my measurement, so I should do it immediately while still in bed. 

Taking my blood sugar level includes pricking my finger, squeezing blood out, putting in the test strip, getting the blood into the strip, then recording the measurement.  The first one in the morning has to be below 89.

After I get out of bed, I wait an hour before I eat anything, so that the glyburide can kick in.  I'm usually pretty hungry while I wait, but it's gotten easier as time has gone by, and my stomach has gotten used to the discipline.

For breakfast, I can have 1 slice of whole wheat bread (if the total carbohydrates is 15 g or less), 2 eggs and 2 turkey bacon.  No milk or fruit.  An hour after the start time of my breakfast, I prick myself and test my blood sugar again.  The reading should be below 129. 

Usually, I have my "snack" right after I test my breakfast blood sugar because a whole hour has had to pass and I am usually pretty hungry.  At this point, I usually have a yogurt (must be below 15 g of total carbs) and then some nuts.  I try to wait as long as possible before I eat lunch though because if I have lunch too soon, my blood sugar will be too high.

At lunch, I'll have 1/2 cup brown rice, plus some kind of protein (beef, chicken) and veggies.  An hour after I started eating, I test my blood sugar again.  Like at breakfast, my reading should be below 129.  Before the weather got so hot, I would usually take a 15-20 minute walk right after I ate because that helped make my blood sugar level go down.  Exercise works like a charm.  Unfortunately, it's been so hot lately, and I haven't been able to come up with a good alternative. 

The hardest stretch is between lunch & dinner and dinner & bedtime.  There are so many hours in between, and I'm allotted only 1 starch or 1 milk or 1 fruit. However, I can have as much protein & veggies as I want.

Dinner is the same as lunch - in terms of portions and taking glucose measurements.  I try to take a 15-20 minute walk after dinner as well. 

The after dinner/before bedtime snack is more generous than the other snack allotments.  At this time, I can have 1 milk and 1 starch (instead of one or the other), plus a protein.  I usually have 1 slice of wheat bread with a slice of cheese and a cup of whole milk.  (Interesting, 1% or 2% milk may be less fattening but contains more total carbs.  Something I learned from the diabetes nurse is that anything lowfat or fatfree has more carbs in it because sugar is added to make it more tasty.) 

Before bedtime, I usually take 1 glyburide pill.  If I don't go to sleep within an hour of taking the pill, I get really hungry (since the glyburide is inducing insulin production).

That's pretty much my day - every day.  And, everyday, I also record everything I've eaten as well as all my blood sugar level readings in a document. At the end of the week, I send it to a nurse who monitors and evaluates my numbers and calls me to tell me if I'm doing everything right or wrong.

One thing I've found is that going out to eat is committing blood sugar suicide.  Even if I'm careful about what I choose from the menu, my glucose inevitably skyrockets.  Even salads are dangerous because of the sugar in dressing or the tasty fruits added (mandarin oranges, dried cranberries, etc).  Everything else has tons of starch.  The only 2 places I've been able to eat have been Tofu House and El Pollo Loco.  But the upside has been that since I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, I've been able to eat chicken again.  (If you remember, during my 1st and 2nd trimesters, eating chicken made me nauseated and caused me to vomit).  Being able to eat chicken has helped so much!

The other part of gestational diabetes has been all the additional doctor visits and tests.  There are two additional ultrasounds (at 32 and 35 weeks) in order to measure the baby to make sure Baby hasn't gotten too large. 

Here's the "4d" ultrasound of Baby at 32 weeks:
  

I also go the doctor's office twice a week (starting at week 34) to do "non-stress" tests for the baby.  In the non-stress test, I'm hooked up to a fetal monitor.  Baby's heartbeat and my stomach's movements are monitored.  Baby has to make two major movements where heart rate goes up 15 more beats per minute than the average heart rate, lasting at least 15 seconds, and this has to happen twice in 15 minutes.  If this doesn't happen, we have to start the time over again... and wait until it does.  This test is frustrating to me because sometimes the baby is sleeping.  If the baby doesn't perform to their satisfaction, I would have to go to the hospital post haste and do more stringent tests that last for a few hours. 

The hardest part of gestational diabetes is not being able to eat whatever I want.  With pregnancy comes cravings, and it's been difficult to deny those cravings.  Sometimes the cravings are so strong, I'm afraid that I will give in.  Fortunately, there's only 2 more weeks until I am full-term and 5 more weeks before the baby MUST come out.  One month -- manageable, possible, within sight...hopefully.  Then I will get to see this little baby face-to-face...and go back to my normal diet!

Here's a picture of me and my big belly, taken yesterday!