In regard to my desire to live in faith and in freedom in 2010:  Fear and pain are intertwined for me, because I've allowed both to keep me from pursuing the things of God.  I need to leave as much of both behind as possible as we leave 2009, so I can move forward in faith and freedom in 2010.

Some notable pains have been ministry burnout in the past (which left the lingering fear that I will experience the searing pain of being burned again if I make commitments to serve), a best friend's death (which left me reluctant to love and invest in lives for fear of losing again), another death of another good friend...

Healing from pain is a continual process, and the reality is that there's never really an end to certain kinds of pains.  Those pains are the falling-on-my-knees, flat on my face with hands open, desperate to receive from God kind -- the kind where there are rivers of tears and pages of journaling.  But even so, after miles of rivers have passed, you do arrive at a point where you have received from God sufficient enough for you to move on.  As CS Lewis observed, it's like the warming of a room or the coming of daylight.  You don't really recognize the progress of your healing, the light or the warmth until it's already been going on for awhile.  There's still much giving over to God that needs to be done, of which I want to give over as much as possible before the close of this year; but, with the end of this year, I want to sing, "it's time I started dancing over all these graves ".  It's time I turn in my resignation for my career of being a wounded victim, a paralytic, and an invalid.  It's time to walk, leap and dance.  In freedom.

In regard to my desire for more prayer in 2010:  There's an image in my mind of someone walking up a slope, stepping into and finding, before them, a vast, open field of undiscovered land.  That's how it's been for me with prayer.  I'm just standing on top of this hill, that's starting to look more like a precipice, realizing that there's so much ground before me that has yet to be uncovered.  It's exciting, thrilling and terrifying. 

So what does it mean to pray incessantly?  With boldness?  With authority?

I am challenged by the fact that not only does God have the power to heal but that He wants to do it and He wants to do it now, here, for the people I know -- and not just at some other time, in some other place, and for people unknown to me.  Truly, if I believe that God has the power to raise Jesus from the dead, isn't it a lesser miracle to believe that He can heal people today?  The gospels of Matthew and Mark both tell us that Jesus did not do many miracles in His hometown because of their lack of faith.  So what has my lack of faith hindered God from doing?

This is one area in my life that I definitely need to be a learner.  People at our church demonstrate what it means to pray in the Spirit and with authority.  Praying alongside them makes me realize that I have far deeper depths to delve in this area.  How often have I only, merely repeated someone's request when I prayed for them?  How little have I actually waited on God and listened to the Holy Spirit to lead me in what to pray for them.  To wait and to listen means to be enabled to pray with authority. 

How I long to pray in such a way that hearts will be set free.  Lord, teach me how to listen to you, teach me how to pray.

In regard to 'more generosity' as one of my goals for 2010:  Something that God made me realize a long time ago was that you don't need more money to be more generous, what you do need is a clear understanding of the God who Provides.  I am challenged when I think about the widow whom Jesus commended in Mark 12.  He was pleased with her, not because of the actual amount she put into the offering box, but because of what it meant to her.  The fraction of a penny that she put in was actually worth everything to her.  It was all she had to live on.  Am I able to give everything to God?

Richard Foster captures well how to be more generous in Celebration of Discipline:
"If what we have we receive as a gift, and if what we have is to be cared for by God, and if what we have is available to others, then we will possess freedom from anxiety."

"We cling to our possessions rather than sharing because we are anxious about tomorrow. But if we truly believe that God is who Jesus said He is then we do not need to be afraid.  When we come to see God as the Almighty Creator and our loving Father we can share because we know that He will care for us."

The way to more generosity comes from more trust in God.  I need to see everything I have as a gift from God that I can easily pass along to others, because God will see to it (yereh-lo) that it'll be passed back to me again if ever I have need.

My cousin asked me to make a list of the things I found to be the most useful to us, knowing that Sam & I do a lot of research before we make a purchase.  So here's my list of things that were most useful to me for the first 3 months -- plus some other things for when baby's older.  [The links below are to the actual item that we own.]  These are not, by any means, a 'must-have' list for all parents, since all parents and babies are different.

Baby Gear

Graco Snugride Car Seat
List price:  $89.99-159.99
We got it for $40 from Craigslist.  [Ok, they say that you're not supposed to buy used car seats, but we looked into reasons not to -- 1. not up to date on current standards and 2. if a car seat has been in an accident, you should not re-use it.  When we went to purchase the car seat, we made sure that the car seat was purchased within the last year, was up to standard (had the EPS foam, which was the latest in car seat technology), had never been in an accident and that the sellers appeared to be honest.] 
We chose the Graco car seat because it tested really well for a reasonable price, and we wanted to be able to use the Snugrider with it.  It was also one of the few companies that had EPS foam (what's used for bike helmets), which would be extra protective in case of an impact.    

Graco Snugrider Infant Car Seat Stroller Frame (Baby Trend calls it Snap-n-Go)
List price:  $56.50
We got it for $30 from Craigslist.
This is the best invention ever.  Instead of transferring the infant car seat onto a bulky stroller (as you would if you got a whole travel system), you can put your baby's car seat on a light-weight frame.  Most new parents are drawn to getting a whole 'travel system' because the idea of a 2-in-1 seems so economical, but what most people don't think about is how you end up having to pull the heavy stroller out of your trunk every time, even though you're not using the stroller portion of it.  Then when your baby is old enough to be in the stroller, you end up buying a lightweight stroller anyway.  Why do that to yourself?  Get a Snugrider or Snap-N-Go + Car Seat for the first few months and then buy a lightweight stroller later.  It ends up costing more or less the same.

Primo EuroBath tub
List price:  $21.87
We got it for list price.
This bathtub is awesome.  It works for an infant... and then when baby gets older, you can turn it around and use the other side. 

Baby Trend Diaper Champ
List price:  $34.99
We got it for $0 -- we are borrowing it from the Decks.
Diaper trash cans are really useful, since diapers can get pretty stinky.  (We didn't have one of these when we had our foster baby.)  The Diaper Champ is better than the Diaper Genie because you don't need to buy any special bags for it (unlike the Genie).  You can use grocery store bags for it; this eliminates an extra cost.

Sienna diaper Backpack by California Innovations
List price:  $44.99
We got it for $40 (with coupon).
Diaper bags tend to get stuffed with a lot of things (diapers, wipes, change of clothes, etc), so we wanted to get a backpack.  We thought it would be easier on our backs, plus, it could be something that Sam could carry.  This backpack is really awesome.  There are so many pockets.

Kiddopotamus Swaddleme blankets
List price:  $10.99 and up
We got it for $14.99 (boo, now it's cheaper!)
Kayla can't sleep without being swaddled.  However, she very quickly learned how to break out of the swaddles that we made out of the receiving blankets (as taught us by Dr. Harvey Karp), so we had to start using the Swaddleme blankets, which stay wrapped because of the velcro.  This is such a great invention.

Graco Pack 'N' Play
List price:  $79.99 and up
We got it for $0 -- passed down to us from the Chins=>Tais=>Decks=>us
We set up the pack-n-play in our room for the first few weeks when we wanted our baby in our room and used the bassinet portion of it.  (She sleeps in her crib now.)  It's still set up in our room so that we can put her in it occasionally.  It'll also be useful later as a safe place to play in when she's older as well. 

Crib
List price:  $$$!
We got it for $0.
I didn't research cribs because we got ours from my sister, but I thought it was worth mentioning because no baby list would be complete without it.

Changing Table Dresser
List price:  $$
We got it for $30 from Craigslist.
A changing table is nice to have.  You can use a bed, sofa or whatever to change your baby, so this is not 'essential', but it's certainly useful to have a place for it (with a waterproof pad) and diapers and wipes handy. 

Symphony In-Motion Mobile (can search under Tiny Love)
List price:  $39.99
We got it for $10 from Craigslist
Our baby loves this thing!  It amazes me how much she laughs and coos with so much delight.  I was first introduced to this by my sister, as I saw how well my nephew responded to it.  It plays Mozart, Beethoven and Bach, has moving parts and has high contrasting colors (which is important because infants are drawn to black&white and things with a lot of contrast)  Our baby started being really interested in mobiles at 2.5 months.  In the beginning, she was pretty happy with the mobile in a stationary state.  In fact, I think if we had turned it on, it would've been overstimulating for her.  Now at past 3 mos, the music and movement are perfect for her.

Graco Swing
List price:  $34.98
We got it for $0 -- handed down from my aunt.
I wouldn't say this is a 'must-have' purchase, but if you can get it for free or inexpensively, then do it!  It's nice to have a place to put the baby, where she can observe the world around her and you can get something done at the same time.

Fisher Price Rocker & Bouncer
Rocker List price: $37.77  Bouncer List price:  $45.00
We got it for $0 -- we're borrowing the Rocker from the Slapes and got the Bouncer from my sister's friend. 
We have the Rocker at our house and the Bouncer at my parent's house.  Both have been useful for putting the baby down in, so that she can observe the world.  She also appreciates interaction with us from there.  Sometimes she just doesn't want to be held. 

Gym Playmat (We have this one but any are good)
List price:  $40 and up
We got it for $0 -- a friend gave it to us as a gift
The great thing about the mat that is different from mobiles is that her little friends are closer to her, so she can see them better and also touch them.  This is not essential but nice to have.

Breastfeeding Stuff

My Brest Friend
List price: $39.99
We got it for $0 -- We got it from the Nguyens.
I used this a lot in the beginning when I was still adjusting to breastfeeding.  I liked it because it fits around me nicely, has a lumbar for the back and a little bump for her head to rest on.  I chose this over the boppy pillow because it can snap on and you can basically wear it.  However, it's only really good with the cradle and cross-cradle hold, not good for the football hold.  I stopped using it after a few weeks though because it was more convenient to not have to attach something to myself every time I fed the baby. 

Bed Rest Pillow (AKA "husband pillow")  (ours is in red)
List price:  $16-20
We got it for $3 from a yard sale.
This pillow is a must-have for breastfeeding in bed for the night-time feedings.  It makes for an easy transition from the hospital bed and eliminates the need for a million pillows.

Bebe au Lait nursing cover
List price:  $35.00
We got it as a gift from my cousin.
Love this thing.  How can I nurse publicly without it?  There are imitation ones, but this is the original.  :)

Medela Swing Breastpump
List price: 149.99
We got it for $120 (with a 15% off coupon from Babies R Us).  The FDA does not recommend reusing another woman's pump because of possible health risks -- although some people argue that it's not possible to pass anything on to someone else.  We got a new one though to be on the safe side. 
I chose the Medela pump because if you ask around/anyone, everyone will tell you that Medela makes the best pump.  I chose the Swing in particular because it is much more efficient than a manual but not as pricey as the In-Style (which has a dual pump).  The single pump works perfectly for me, because I'm not under a time crunch where I would need to pump quickly.

Medela Nipple Shield
List price:  $6.99
We got it for retail price.
This is a really helpful tool if the baby is having trouble latching on (also a really nice shield if some blistering is happening).  However, it's a good temporary tool.  Use it only if necessary and be sure to continue to work on the latch without the shield. 

Lansinoh lanolin / Medela lanolin
List price:  $9.99
I got free samples of both.
I tried both when I needed it, and they were both equally effective. One was greasier than the other, but I forgot which one it was.  :)

Lansinoh Breast pads
List price:  $6.49 for 36 count
I got it for list price.
It's pretty unbelievable how absorbent these pads are.  I've heard that these are the superior pads, so I didn't try the Medela ones (but I've heard good things about Medela pads as well). 

Lansinoh Breast Milk Storage Bags
List price:  $11.99 for 50 count
Even though I'm using a Medela pump, the majority of mothers seem to speak well of the Lansinoh storage bags over the Medela ones.  There's a double seal on it.  I like it.

Additionally, I wanted to post some things that were useful to us for a baby older than 3 mos.
Fisher Price Space-Saver High Chair
List price:  $54.99
We got it for $49.99
This high chair comes reasonably priced, saves space and will-travel (we took it with us to restaurants).  You can adjust the back to recline; it can also be a booster seat when the baby is older.  Baby Gizmo gives it a high review.

Exersaucer (We have this 2-in-1 activity center/walker) 
List price:  $80 and up
We got it for $0 -- handed down to us from a friend
Our foster baby would be entertained by this for at least 20 minutes at a time.  She really looooved it.  And it gave us enough time to clean up after every meal -- and/or cook a meal! 

Lastly, we haven't used or tested this one yet...
Graco Mosaic light-weight stroller
List price:  $109.99
We got this as a gift from the Lowes.
We had a different light-weight stroller (Wendy Bellisimo) with our foster daughter, but I didn't like it very much because the handles were too high for me.  The handles on this stroller are the prefect height, the wheels seem to be easy to maneuver and it's very light-weight.  I'm pretty excited to use this when our baby gets older.

I say to the LORD, "You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing."

The idea is simple:

     With God, I have everything.  Without Him, I have nothing.

     Without God, I may have things, but I have no good thing. 

The idea is simple, but the truth is hard to live out.