On my walk yesterday, I suddenly had a recollection of how challenging it is to have a baby in one's care.  There's a never-ending, constant demand on your energy.  There's a huge sense of physical, emotional and spiritual responsibility.  Parenting is seriously the most difficult job in the world.  And then this sense of panic hit me -- what did I sign up for??  Unlike fostering, there won't be an end time when we will give the baby back!  This biological baby is ours for keeps (which is AWESOME, but...).  Our baby could be colicky, whiny, loud, constantly running around, full of high energy.  I love my life of tranquility, quietness, routine and order.  So of course, I can just imagine God wanting to throw a wrench in the system and give us a 'non'-easy child so that we would develop character.  haha.  This thought made me squirm, but as I prayed, I began to realize that it's not so bad that God would want to use our child to teach me even more about flexibility and spontaneity than I have ever learned before.  Perhaps s/he'll have the kind of charm that will draw people more in to our lives.  These are good things, not bad things. 

The idea of having something challenging, though, is challenging.  But, then again, if it's going to happen anyway, why not invite it?  Why not have the attitude of openness?  Why not have the posture of teachability?  The more I thought about this, the more I began to realize that for far too long, I've been running away from things that are difficult and challenging --but why do I do this?  The reality is that challenging things will come my way anyway, why not invite it and wait for it with expectation...knowing that through trials, God develops in me perseverance, and from perseverance a maturity and completeness so that I would not lack anything (James 1:2-4).

Parenting is full of joys -- this is what everyone focuses on when you're expecting a baby on the way.  But I don't want to be so deceived as to forget that it is full of challenges too -- challenges that will result in more maturity which means more joy.  So bring on the challenges, God, I'm ready (with You by my side).

A friend sent me a link to this article (click here) where a dad tries on pregnant belly suit for a day in order to understand what his wife went through during pregnancy.  I like the article and think all men should try to walk in the shoes of a pregnant woman at least once in his life!  The belly suit may not be completely accurate, but it does its job of cultivating empathy and understanding. 

Some of the things I appreciated about the article was how the author identified the sense of loneliness that pregnant women feel.  Even though I have a very compassionate, supportive husband, the truth is, being pregnant is still something that only my body is going through.  Some of the heartache I've experienced during this pregnancy has been from wishing that he could really share the burden with me.  When it's been particularly hard, I've asked him (ridiculously) to 'take the baby from me and put it in your belly'.  And though he is lovingly sympathetic, sometimes I keenly feel that it's like he's just standing on the outside, looking into a window at me. 

There's also a sense of helplessness when it comes to pregnancy, which the author accurately identifies.  Your body is out of your control; it does things that you didn't tell it to; and it surprises you at every turn.  And with all this new weight you're carrying around, your pelvic bones weakening and the real exhaustion that you feel, there's a great limitation to what you can do.  You can't pick up things off the floor, get off the couch without a boost, carry things that are too heavy, or even chase your husband around a little room without feeling wiped out.  I thought it was funny that the author's Granny said, "I bet you can't tie your own shoes."  He thought she was just poking fun of him, but around here, it's a daily reality.  Sam has to tie my shoes for me. 

Lastly, the author expressed an admiration for women who are willing to endure pregnancy a second time.  I agree!  I'm amazed by women who will do it a second time.  And the funny thing is that I had always thought that the only women who are willing to be pregnant again are the ones who had pleasant, painless experiences -- but the more women I talk to, the more I realize that I was wrong.  Just last night, I spoke to two women at my church who had very difficult first pregnancies.  However, they both had three more after that.  These women are my heroes.  I will not be in this category. :)

Being a mom is the toughest job in the world... and that job doesn't start with the day the baby is born.  It starts at conception. 

The problem with Job's friends, as we all know, is not that they didn't care about Job but that they approached it all wrong.  Poor Job had lost everything he had - his oxen, his sheep, his camels, all his sons and daughters and his good health.  I mean, the poor man was afflicted with so many painful sores all over his body that he was even unrecognizable to his friends (in addition to his financial ruin and emotional heartbreak)!   And how did his friends try to encourage him?  They lectured him, gave him advice, told him all the things he should've done better.  I guess I can't really blame them, really.  When bad things happen to someone you care about, you want to help them feel better, and most of the times, you're not really sure how.

In the last few weeks since I found out that I have gestational diabetes, I have been feeling pretty down.  My pregnancy had already been so difficult the first two trimesters, I couldn't imagine it getting harder.  But it has.  I can't tell you how many times I've said, "I hate being pregnant" the last few days or cried or just felt plain discouraged.  With gestational diabetes, you have to follow a strict schedule. 

For breakfast, I can only have 1 serving of starch (less than 15 g total carbs) and 2 servings of protein like eggs (no milk, no fruit). 
Later, I can have a snack: 1 protein and either 1 starch OR 1 fruit OR 1 milk (I can only choose one of those three). 
Lunch is 2 starch, 1 milk, 2 veggies, 3-4 protein, 1-2 fats. 
Snack: 1 protein and 1 starch OR 1 fruit OR 1 milk
Dinner: 2 starch, 1 milk, 2 veggies, 3-4 protein, 1-2 fats
Snack:  1 protein, 1 milk, and 1 starch OR fruit

If you follow this diet, you're not supposed to be hungry, but to be honest, I'm always hungry still and feeling sick, which makes me not want to go for a walk but I have to go for a walk after every meal or my blood sugar level will be too high. 

An hour after I eat, I have to test my blood sugar level and record it.  There's now a long list of foods I cannot eat like rice, noodles, all desserts, french fries, pizza, etc.  And as you can see above, I have to limit my intake of fruit (if you had a choice between a fruit or a slice of whole wheat bread while you're feeling hungry, what would you choose?)  And though I've been following the meal plan, I'm often getting high glucose readings.  The consequence of not getting my blood sugar level under control is that the baby will receive more glucose than s/he should and can get really big (too big).  Worse case scenario:  baby outgrows placenta, c-section needed and baby's chances of getting diabetes and obesity increase. 

Some people love pregnancy, and some people don't.  I am a part of the latter group.  It's been hard.  Not every pregnancy is this hard, but this one has been.  And I am learning what words encourage someone who is down and what words do not.  It's encouraging when someone just says, "I'm sorry it's been hard."  It's not encouraging when someone says, "it's going to be fine in the end", "don't worry, it'll be over soon", "it'll be worth it" or give a slew of advice.  Who wants Job's friends?  Romans 8:28 platitudes just seems to belittle the pain.  Acknowledge my pain, don't minimize it.  Unless you have walked in that person's shoes (and actually, even if you have), don't give them advice or tell them how they will forget it all once it's over.  Don't tell them it's not a big deal.  I think the greatest comfort that Job's friends gave him was just sitting next to him without saying a word for seven days and seven nights.  Wouldn't you agree? 

Did you know there was a man in biblical times who took his wife's family name?  In the verse Nehemiah 7:63, a man is mentioned named Barzillai, who had married a woman who was a descendant of Barzillai of Gilead and had taken her family name (which is why he was called Barzillai).  (Read it in the New Living Translation).  He changed his name to hers!  When my friend Corrie first mentioned this, I thought she was kidding.  Isn't it practically biblical for a woman to take her husband's name when she gets married?  The answer, surprisingly, is no!!  It's western tradition, but it's not biblical. 

When we first got married, Sam and I really wrestled with the name change (I even blogged about it).  We wanted to be able to represent the uniqueness and individuality which God gave to us both while also representing the oneness.  But how would we do this?  How could we represent both of our identities, both of our ethnicities and both of our backgrounds?  He didn't want me to give up my name.  I didn't want him to give up his name.  But practically speaking, it seemed much better to have the same last name. 

We brainstormed all kinds of options -- a lot of which were given to us from those who commented on my blog entry about the name change.  We could both take one's name as a middle and the other as a last.  We could choose an entirely new name.  Or we could hyphenate.  The ideas were endless.  The two of us had become one.  We were creating a new family together, so it made sense that we were also making a name that would represent "us". 

Most people (Christians, mainly) don't really think twice about having the woman change her name.  And if Sam was a lesser man, he might set his manhood on a need to brand me with his name.  However, his determination in our having an "inclusive name" (he coined that phrase) despite the challenges and difficulties of changing his name (with the California legal system) and whatever flak he may incur from traditionalists has augmented my admiration of him as a man.  Through this journey, I have learned that he is unflappable in his purpose when he is certain about a course of action, he is confident in who he is as one who answers only to God and not anyone else, and he is secure in his manhood.  He has made me adore him even more so than ever, and I am so proud to share a name with him.

This past week, he and I both officially changed our name.  We both added the other's surname to our own to make an inclusive name (someone else would call it 'hyphenated'), and we couldn't be happier about it!

Here's Sam's entry about it.

When obstacles arise, is it God raising the stakes to show the extent of what He's capable of or is it God saying stop, cease and desist?  It's more natural to me to throw my hands up and chock it up as the end of the story, but is it?  Since Sunday's sermon, I've really been challenged to believe in the things unseen - to stop allowing circumstances to dictate reality to me but instead to allow the Spirit to tell me what's possible.  When I'm tempted to give up and take the logic of circumstances as my answer, I have to (tell myself to) stop, close my eyes and tune in to the Spirit.  Is God really saying no or is He saying go?  What's His guidance?  What's His instruction?  That's what I really want to know.