I have been surprised by how much I love being a mommy.  It is really more wonderful and amazing than I could’ve ever imagined.  And, try as I might, I just can’t find the words to describe the feeling.  But I want to try.

What human experience can compare to this?
A baby, a product of love
  that enlarges with every second of life lived out.
Love Incarnate.
Love that takes a life of its own –
  moves, breathes, cries, talks, giggles and laughs
and knows how to love in return.
A sound dispatched
  that resounds
  and echoes back to me.
Love which grows and stretches
  bigger, stronger, taller, heavier
over time.
A fountain spilling over,
  running down, flowing, overflowing –
A miracle –
  every moment, a miracle,
    bursting forth,
  every second, every moment,
I am awed by her every breath,
  which takes my breath away
and causes me to breathe
  words of praise
to the Creator,
  Designer,
    Miracle-Maker!

Growing up, I rebelled at any attempt by my parents to live vicariously through me.  Haven’t we all?  Recently, though, I found myself doing this unthinkable. 

I started to observe this phenomenon around Christmastime when we were frequenting stores.  At Target, I saw a Cabbage Patch doll, and I wanted to get it for my baby girl.  At Costco, I saw a miniature kitchen, and I wanted to get it for her.  At Ross, I saw a tea party set, and I wanted to get that for her too.  There were all kinds of toys, stuffed animals and books that I wanted to get her.  I had to stop myself.  What was the deal with pushing gender stereotypes with my daughter?  She may not end up liking dolls or care to have a tea party at all!  As I thought about it, I knew that I would love it if she was well-balanced –loved sports, played with balls, enjoyed building things, putting things together, creating things, etc.  I rebel at the thought of making her into a little princess.  So it wasn’t about gender stereotyping; it was about my wanting to live vicariously through her. I want to get her all the things I wanted when I was little but didn’t get.  I want to lavish her with these playthings that I had wanted so badly.  I want to do it simply because I want her to have fun and be happy. 

This gave me great perspective about parents wanting to live vicariously through their children.  Ultimately, they just want the best for their kids.  They want to give good gifts to their children.  Just like God.  That was something Jesus said, “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”  Of course, it’s not exactly the same thing, because I’m still “evil”, so my good intentions could quickly turn to bad…  so the bottom line is that as I seek to give good gifts, I need to filter out any vicarious living that I’m doing as well.  Please keep me in check.

It’s just been really busy recently.  My goal is to write, still. 

I also haven’t written in my journal in weeks either — which is really sad to me.  What’s funny is that if I had told my college self that there would come a day when there’d be days on end when I wouldn’t journal, I would’ve laughed at myself.  It’s just so weird.  I wish I had more time.

However, I’ve been having a quiet time every day for the last 12 days –and it has been FAN TAS TIC.  Nine more days and it will be a habit.  Hoorah.

And now… better sleep before Baby wakes up.

In regard to my desire to live in faith and in freedom in 2010:  Fear and pain are intertwined for me, because I’ve allowed both to keep me from pursuing the things of God.  I need to leave as much of both behind as possible as we leave 2009, so I can move forward in faith and freedom in 2010.

Some notable pains have been ministry burnout in the past (which left the lingering fear that I will experience the searing pain of being burned again if I make commitments to serve), a best friend’s death (which left me reluctant to love and invest in lives for fear of losing again), another death of another good friend…

Healing from pain is a continual process, and the reality is that there’s never really an end to certain kinds of pains.  Those pains are the falling-on-my-knees, flat on my face with hands open, desperate to receive from God kind — the kind where there are rivers of tears and pages of journaling.  But even so, after miles of rivers have passed, you do arrive at a point where you have received from God sufficient enough for you to move on.  As CS Lewis observed, it’s like the warming of a room or the coming of daylight.  You don’t really recognize the progress of your healing, the light or the warmth until it’s already been going on for awhile.  There’s still much giving over to God that needs to be done, of which I want to give over as much as possible before the close of this year; but, with the end of this year, I want to sing, “it’s time I started dancing over all these graves “.  It’s time I turn in my resignation for my career of being a wounded victim, a paralytic, and an invalid.  It’s time to walk, leap and dance.  In freedom.

In regard to my desire to live in humility in 2010:  I am feeling inspired by a desire to leave my spiritual resume behind.  I confess that one of the prideful fears I had when we started attending a new church was the fear of not being known – not being known for my gifts and the experiences I’ve had in serving God.  I started feeling really weighed down by the responsibility I felt of getting back to where I once was in serving — teaching, discipling, mentoring, etc.  But something God has impressed on me is the realization that I cannot teach if I cannot learn.  There’s so much I have to learn!  And it’s okay, and even great, for me to start fresh.  I can throw aside the burden of playing an “expert” (whoever said I was an expert in all things spiritual, anyway?) and of doing everything the same as before.  This realization makes me feel very free — I am being released to seek ways to serve God in different capacities in sharing His heart with others, and as I try these new ways, I can be a humble learner.  Lord, make me teachable, make me humble, make me your servant.  

In regard to my desire for more prayer in 2010:  There’s an image in my mind of someone walking up a slope, stepping into and finding, before them, a vast, open field of undiscovered land.  That’s how it’s been for me with prayer.  I’m just standing on top of this hill, that’s starting to look more like a precipice, realizing that there’s so much ground before me that has yet to be uncovered.  It’s exciting, thrilling and terrifying. 

So what does it mean to pray incessantly?  With boldness?  With authority?

I am challenged by the fact that not only does God have the power to heal but that He wants to do it and He wants to do it now, here, for the people I know — and not just at some other time, in some other place, and for people unknown to me.  Truly, if I believe that God has the power to raise Jesus from the dead, isn’t it a lesser miracle to believe that He can heal people today?  The gospels of Matthew and Mark both tell us that Jesus did not do many miracles in His hometown because of their lack of faith.  So what has my lack of faith hindered God from doing?

This is one area in my life that I definitely need to be a learner.  People at our church demonstrate what it means to pray in the Spirit and with authority.  Praying alongside them makes me realize that I have far deeper depths to delve in this area.  How often have I only, merely repeated someone’s request when I prayed for them?  How little have I actually waited on God and listened to the Holy Spirit to lead me in what to pray for them.  To wait and to listen means to be enabled to pray with authority. 

How I long to pray in such a way that hearts will be set free.  Lord, teach me how to listen to you, teach me how to pray.

In regard to my desire to live in harmony with others as much as I am able in 2010:  This is closely related to a need to seek reconciliation before the close of 2009.  Something I realize is that it’s hard to say, “I’m sorry” but it’s even harder for me to tell someone I have forgiven them.  (Strange, isn’t it?  You’d think the latter would be easier.)  But one thing I’ve realized is that there is freedom in asking forgiveness and there’s even greater freedom in forgiving. 

Phil 2:3-4 has been the leading verse in this area:
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.  Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” 

- How do I make sure I am looking out for the interests of others?
- How do I value others above myself?
- How do I act with humility?

To “value someone above myself” could mean to apologize even if I’m not necessarily wrong or the only one who did wrong.

“In humility” means to treat myself as of lower rank and importance, not with condescension, not with arrogance.

Especially in terms of reconciliation, I need to not seek to make myself feel better.  The purpose is to apologize if I have offended or wronged someone in order to right a wrong.  I’m not looking for apologies in return.  Also, even if I am not forgiven, that is ok too. 

In regard to ‘more generosity’ as one of my goals for 2010:  Something that God made me realize a long time ago was that you don’t need more money to be more generous, what you do need is a clear understanding of the God who Provides.  I am challenged when I think about the widow whom Jesus commended in Mark 12.  He was pleased with her, not because of the actual amount she put into the offering box, but because of what it meant to her.  The fraction of a penny that she put in was actually worth everything to her.  It was all she had to live on.  Am I able to give everything to God?

Richard Foster captures well how to be more generous in Celebration of Discipline:
“If what we have we receive as a gift, and if what we have is to be cared for by God, and if what we have is available to others, then we will possess freedom from anxiety.”

“We cling to our possessions rather than sharing because we are anxious about tomorrow. But if we truly believe that God is who Jesus said He is then we do not need to be afraid.  When we come to see God as the Almighty Creator and our loving Father we can share because we know that He will care for us.”

The way to more generosity comes from more trust in God.  I need to see everything I have as a gift from God that I can easily pass along to others, because God will see to it (yereh-lo) that it’ll be passed back to me again if ever I have need.

Psalm 16:2, “I say to the LORD, ‘You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing.’”

Apart from God, I have “things”, but I have no GOOD thing.

I endeavor to know nothing and desire nothing but God.

As this year comes to an end, I choose to:
1. leave behind the hurts & pains (from this year and all the previous years) (as much as possible)
2. fight off my fears with faith
3. throw off the burden of my spiritual resume
4. seek forgiveness and reconciliation

In 2010, I desire to:
1. Live in harmony with others as much as I’m able
    – act with deference towards others, so that I don’t have to say sorry but say sorry when I have to
2. Live in humility
    – leave my spiritual resume behind
    – be teachable, be a learner
3. Live in faith
    – when confronted with fears, step out in faith
    – don’t let fears hold me back
    – seek God’s empowerment as I walk in obedience
4. Live in freedom
    – don’t be a wounded victim, don’t be a paralytic or an invalid; walk, leap, dance in freedom
    – continue to seek healing where needed

In 2010, I envision:
1.  more prayer (personal & intercessory)
     – what does it mean to pray: 
          incessantly? 
          with boldness? 
          with authority?
2.  more Holy Spirit
     – being empowered by Him
     – being led by Him
3.  more waiting
     – listening to the Holy Spirit
     – silence, be slow to speak
4.  more intimacy
     – apart from God, I have no good thing
5.  more vision
    – purpose, meaning
    – revelations from God (which stems from all the previous)
6.  more action
    – how can we be ‘defenders of the weak’ and ‘comforters of the needy’?
7.  more generosity
     – bless others by sharing what He’s given us

My cousin asked me to make a list of the things I found to be the most useful to us, knowing that Sam & I do a lot of research before we make a purchase.  So here’s my list of things that were most useful to me for the first 3 months — plus some other things for when baby’s older.  [The links below are to the actual item that we own.]  These are not, by any means, a ‘must-have’ list for all parents, since all parents and babies are different.

Baby Gear

Graco Snugride Car Seat
List price:  $89.99-159.99
We got it for $40 from Craigslist.  [Ok, they say that you're not supposed to buy used car seats, but we looked into reasons not to -- 1. not up to date on current standards and 2. if a car seat has been in an accident, you should not re-use it.  When we went to purchase the car seat, we made sure that the car seat was purchased within the last year, was up to standard (had the EPS foam, which was the latest in car seat technology), had never been in an accident and that the sellers appeared to be honest.] 
We chose the Graco car seat because it tested really well for a reasonable price, and we wanted to be able to use the Snugrider with it.  It was also one of the few companies that had EPS foam (what’s used for bike helmets), which would be extra protective in case of an impact.    

Graco Snugrider Infant Car Seat Stroller Frame (Baby Trend calls it Snap-n-Go)
List price:  $56.50
We got it for $30 from Craigslist.
This is the best invention ever.  Instead of transferring the infant car seat onto a bulky stroller (as you would if you got a whole travel system), you can put your baby’s car seat on a light-weight frame.  Most new parents are drawn to getting a whole ‘travel system’ because the idea of a 2-in-1 seems so economical, but what most people don’t think about is how you end up having to pull the heavy stroller out of your trunk every time, even though you’re not using the stroller portion of it.  Then when your baby is old enough to be in the stroller, you end up buying a lightweight stroller anyway.  Why do that to yourself?  Get a Snugrider or Snap-N-Go + Car Seat for the first few months and then buy a lightweight stroller later.  It ends up costing more or less the same.

Primo EuroBath tub
List price:  $21.87
We got it for list price.
This bathtub is awesome.  It works for an infant… and then when baby gets older, you can turn it around and use the other side. 

Baby Trend Diaper Champ
List price:  $34.99
We got it for $0 — we are borrowing it from the Decks.
Diaper trash cans are really useful, since diapers can get pretty stinky.  (We didn’t have one of these when we had our foster baby.)  The Diaper Champ is better than the Diaper Genie because you don’t need to buy any special bags for it (unlike the Genie).  You can use grocery store bags for it; this eliminates an extra cost.

Sienna diaper Backpack by California Innovations
List price:  $44.99
We got it for $40 (with coupon).
Diaper bags tend to get stuffed with a lot of things (diapers, wipes, change of clothes, etc), so we wanted to get a backpack.  We thought it would be easier on our backs, plus, it could be something that Sam could carry.  This backpack is really awesome.  There are so many pockets.

Kiddopotamus Swaddleme blankets
List price:  $10.99 and up
We got it for $14.99 (boo, now it’s cheaper!)
Our baby can’t sleep without being swaddled.  However, she very quickly learned how to break out of the swaddles that we made out of the receiving blankets (as taught us by Dr. Harvey Karp), so we had to start using the Swaddleme blankets, which stay wrapped because of the velcro.  This is such a great invention.

Graco Pack ‘N’ Play
List price:  $79.99 and up
We got it for $0 — passed down to us from the Chins=>Tais=>Decks=>us
We set up the pack-n-play in our room for the first few weeks when we wanted our baby in our room and used the bassinet portion of it.  (She sleeps in her crib now.)  It’s still set up in our room so that we can put her in it occasionally.  It’ll also be useful later as a safe place to play in when she’s older as well.  We bring it to grandma’s house so she can nap in it.

Crib
List price:  $$$!
We got it for $0.
I didn’t research cribs because we got ours from my sister, but I thought it was worth mentioning because no baby list would be complete without it.

Changing Table Dresser
List price:  $$
We got it for $30 from Craigslist.
A changing table is nice to have.  You can use a bed, sofa or whatever to change your baby, so this is not ‘essential’, but it’s certainly useful to have a place for it (with a waterproof pad) and diapers and wipes handy. 

Symphony In-Motion Mobile (can search under Tiny Love)
List price:  $39.99
We got it for $10 from Craigslist
Our baby loves this thing!  It amazes me how much she laughs and coos with so much delight.  I was first introduced to this by my sister, as I saw how well my nephew responded to it.  It plays Mozart, Beethoven and Bach, has moving parts and has high contrasting colors (which is important because infants are drawn to black&white and things with a lot of contrast)  Our baby started being really interested in mobiles at 2.5 months.  In the beginning, she was pretty happy with the mobile in a stationary state.  In fact, I think if we had turned it on, it would’ve been overstimulating for her.  Now at past 3 mos, the music and movement are perfect for her.

Graco Swing
List price:  $34.98
We got it for $0 — handed down from my aunt.
I wouldn’t say this is a ‘must-have’ purchase, but if you can get it for free or inexpensively, then do it!  It’s nice to have a place to put the baby, where she can observe the world around her and you can get something done at the same time.

Fisher Price Rocker & Bouncer
Rocker List price: $37.77  Bouncer List price:  $45.00
We got it for $0 — we’re borrowing the Rocker from the Slapes and got the Bouncer from my sister’s friend. 
We have the Rocker at our house and the Bouncer at my parent’s house.  Both have been useful for putting the baby down in, so that she can observe the world.  She also appreciates interaction with us from there.  Sometimes she just doesn’t want to be held. 

Gym Playmat (We have this one, but any are good)
List price:  $40 and up
We got it for $0 — a friend gave it to us as a gift
The great thing about the mat that is different from mobiles is that her little friends are closer to her, so she can see them better and also touch them.  This is not essential but nice to have.

Breastfeeding Stuff

My Brest Friend
List price: $39.99
We got it for $0 — We got it from the Nguyens.
I used this a lot in the beginning when I was still adjusting to breastfeeding.  I liked it because it fits around me nicely, has a lumbar for the back and a little bump for her head to rest on.  I chose this over the boppy pillow because it can snap on and you can basically wear it.  However, it’s only really good with the cradle and cross-cradle hold, not good for the football hold.  I stopped using it after a few weeks though because it was more convenient to not have to attach something to myself every time I fed the baby. 

Bed Rest Pillow (AKA “husband pillow”)  (ours is in red)
List price:  $16-20
We got it for $3 from a yard sale.
This pillow is a must-have for breastfeeding in bed for the night-time feedings.  It makes for an easy transition from the hospital bed and eliminates the need for a million pillows.

Bebe au Lait nursing cover
List price:  $35.00
We got it as a gift from my cousin.
Love this thing.  How can I nurse publicly without it?  There are imitation ones, but this is the original. 

Medela Swing Breastpump
List price: 149.99
We got it for $120 (with a 15% off coupon from Babies R Us).  The FDA does not recommend reusing another woman’s pump because of possible health risks — although some people argue that it’s not possible to pass anything on to someone else.  We got a new one. 
I chose the Medela pump because if you ask around/anyone, everyone will tell you that Medela makes the best pump.  I chose the Swing in particular because it is much more efficient than a manual but not as pricey as the In-Style (which has a dual pump).  The single pump works perfectly for me, because I’m not under a time crunch where I would need to pump quickly.

Medela Nipple Shield
List price:  $6.99
We got it for retail price.
This is a really helpful tool if the baby is having trouble latching on (also a really nice shield if some blistering is happening).  However, it’s a good temporary tool.  Use it only if necessary and be sure to continue to work on the latch without the shield. 

Lansinoh lanolin / Medela lanolin
List price:  $9.99
I got free samples of both.
I tried both when I needed it, and they were both equally effective. One was greasier than the other, but I forgot which one it was. 

Lansinoh Breast pads
List price:  $6.49 for 36 count
I got it for list price.
It’s pretty unbelievable how absorbent these pads are.  I’ve heard that these are the superior pads, so I didn’t try the Medela ones (but I’ve heard good things about Medela pads as well). 

Lansinoh Breast Milk Storage Bags
List price:  $11.99 for 50 count
Even though I’m using a Medela pump, the majority of mothers seem to speak well of the Lansinoh storage bags over the Medela ones.  There’s a double seal on it.  I like it.

Other
Additionally, I wanted to post some things that were useful to us for a baby older than 3 mos.
Fisher Price Space-Saver High Chair
List price:  $54.99
We got it for $49.99
This high chair comes reasonably priced, saves space and will-travel (we took it with us to restaurants).  You can adjust the back to recline; it can also be a booster seat when the baby is older.  Baby Gizmo gives it a high review.

Exersaucer (We have this 2-in-1 activity center/walker) 
List price:  $80 and up
We got it for $0 — handed down to us from a friend
Our foster baby would be entertained by this for at least 20 minutes at a time.  She really looooved it.  And it gave us enough time to clean up after every meal — and/or cook a meal! 

Lastly, we haven’t used or tested this one yet…
Graco Mosaic light-weight stroller
List price:  $109.99
We got this as a gift from the Lowes.
We had a different light-weight stroller (Wendy Bellisimo) with our foster daughter, but I didn’t like it very much because the handles were too high for me.  The handles on this stroller are the prefect height, the wheels seem to be easy to maneuver and it’s very light-weight.  I’m pretty excited to use this when our baby gets older.