December 18, 2009

• Re: Fear and Pain

  In regard to my desire to live in faith and in freedom in 2010:  Fear and pain are intertwined for me, because I've allowed both to keep me from pursuing the things of God.  I need to leave as much of both behind as possible as we leave 2009, so I can move forward in faith and freedom in 2010.

  Some notable pains have been ministry burnout in the past (which left the lingering fear that I will experience the searing pain of being burned again if I make commitments to serve), a best friend's death (which left me reluctant to love and invest in lives for fear of losing again), another death of another good friend...

  Healing from pain is a continual process, and the reality is that there's never really an end to certain kinds of pains.  Those pains are the falling-on-my-knees, flat on my face with hands open, desperate to receive from God kind -- the kind where there are rivers of tears and pages of journaling.  But even so, after miles of rivers have passed, you do arrive at a point where you have received from God sufficient enough for you to move on.  As CS Lewis observed, it's like the warming of a room or the coming of daylight.  You don't really recognize the progress of your healing, the light or the warmth until it's already been going on for awhile.  There's still much giving over to God that needs to be done, of which I want to give over as much as possible before the close of this year; but, with the end of this year, I want to sing, "it's time I started dancing over all these graves ".  It's time I turn in my resignation for my career of being a wounded victim, a paralytic, and an invalid.  It's time to walk, leap and dance.  In freedom.

  • 5:12 pm
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