At 17 weeks, I feel like I’m finally at a place where I’m able to enjoy my pregnancy.  My nausea hits me the worse when I first wake up in the morning, but if I can eat the right kinds of food (this mostly means no chicken, no pork, no seafood), then I feel mostly okay throughout the rest of the day.  This is such a contrast from before when I felt nausea all day long and could only eat two bites of food at a time and would have to lay back down on the couch.  Vomiting has decreased to about once every week rather than three times a day.  Feeling better physically makes me feel better emotionally as well.  And right at this moment, I’m just laying on my bed smiling, with a big belly between me and my computer. 

Here’s a picture of me last week.  I’m not HUGE yet but growing daily.

We thought we could strategically take this picture in front of the crib, so you could see it.  Sam brought those pretty tulips home to me last week.  We’re hoping to nurture them so that they will flower again.  I’ll let you know how that goes.  

P.S. For those who want to know, we are planning to wait to find out the gender, so you’ll have to wait too!

When I was younger, I somehow acquired a red box (from I don’t remember where) which I designated as the keeper for my awards.  Over the years, I collected all my honor roll awards, perfect attendance awards, good citizenship awards, awards for writing contests, and various certificates for high achievements and placed it in the box.  It was a treasure trove of hard-earned ‘striving’ and its subsequent recognition. 

One Sunday morning many years ago, as I was teaching Philippians 3 to a class of high school students, I brought the red box to class.  In demonstrating that I really do “consider everything a loss (worthless, rubbish) compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things”, I took out a handful of the awards, ripped them up and tossed them on the floor.  I don’t know if the act brought about its intended effect (or if it was just overly-dramatic) for the students, but it had its impact on me.  Who knew better than I did what value was placed on those silly pieces of paper?  Before I was a Christian, all my life was bent on earning respect and recognition from people; all my worth was based on how well I could perform.  Being received by Christ meant that I had all the worth in the world and none of those things mattered one tiny bit. 

As I was praying today that God would remind me of how surpassingly great He is compared to everything else in this world, He brought that Sunday school moment to mind.  At that time, I didn’t think it was anything more than another one of my teaching illustrations.  But looking back, I realize the symbolic nature of the moment.  In destroying those awards, I had cut myself loose from the strings of this world which had me bound for so long.  It was freeing.  And to this day, I don’t have any idea at all what happened to that little red box or the rest of its contents.

 I saw this article on Fox News today:

“Official:  Obama to Reverse Bush Abortion Regulation
“The Bush administration instituted a rule in its last days that strengthened job protections for doctors and nurses who refuse for moral reasons to perform abortions”

“Obama wants to rescind this rule… 

” ‘It would be a horrible move. These regulations were a long time coming,” said Tom McClusky, a vice president at Family Research Council. ‘What they seek to do is protect patients, nurses, doctors and other health care professionals from being forced to violate their consciences.’ “

I agree.  Don’t doctors have rights too?  It seems like reviewing and then rescinding this rule is just a way of weakening a doctor’s right to refuse on moral grounds.  Why can’t that person who wants to have an abortion just go somewhere else?  Sadly, there are many other doctors who would be willing to do it.  Why can’t they leave moral doctors alone?  Doctors have rights too. 

I am pro-life.  I am a feminist (read: I believe in the equality of women) and I am pro-life.

What irks me is when opponents say that because someone is pro-life, that means they don’t care about women’s issues.  Having an abortion is scarring and emotionally painful — not really something most of us would wish on anyone.  I think pro-lifers want to help people avoid being weighed down with that kind of emotional baggage.  Pro-Lifers believe in life.  I think at the essence of someone who is pro-life is not that we “don’t want women to have freedom”, it’s that we really believe in life and can’t bear the thought of a baby being killed.

Right now, our baby is at 15 weeks.  He/she has already developed all vital organs, all joints are working and can even suck his/her thumb!  Baby is probably around 4-6 inches long.  Here are pictures of what he/she kinda looks like right now:
 
This is a little person already!  I can’t imagine losing this little life.  And yet people abort babies around this age!

Check out this video of a 12 year old girl’s speech about the right to choose life.  I was so impressed when I watched it.  She really lays out the pro-life perspective well.  I don’t think I could’ve said this better than she does.
 

Something terrible happens to me when I get into a car.  I become not me.  First of all, I hate driving.  This is why Sam usually drives when we go someplace together.  But when we’re not together and I’m driving, my stress level skyrockets.  This is especially true during commute.  At that time, you will probably find my hand white-knuckled, tightly gripping the wheel.  I feel like people are just crazy on the road.  They cut in front of you.  They don’t signal.  They brake suddenly.  It stresses me out.  I like control in my life, and the maneuverings of other people on the road is not something I can control.  And it stresses me out.

Secondly, when I’m in the car, I know I need to work out my Christianity, but I find it very, very difficult because of all the crazy people out there.  When driving, I really want people to obey the rules of the road and follow car etiquette.  And when they don’t, I get very miffed.  Last Tuesday, on my commute to and from seminary, I honked at two cars and called a lady “stupid” for cutting in front of me and nearly causing an accident.  It was a very frustrating drive.  But whatever happened to grace, Mary Ann?  Jesus’ teachings apply to the road too.  Instead of being annoyed and irritated, I should pray for those who have wronged me.  Pray that God’s blessings will pour on them — even if they don’t deserve it — because the truth is, I don’t deserve His blessings any more than the next guy.  This is the Truth!  And God doesn’t have a limit to the blessings He can give out; why withhold that kind of prayer as if I thought blessing the crazy driver would mean I wouldn’t get blessed too?  Why am I stingy?  Why am I judgmental?  This biblical principle of praying for my ‘enemy’ has been something I have been trying to apply as I’ve been driving, but the truth is, something terrible happens to me when I get into the car!  I’m not going to give up on this though.  And hopefully, one day it’ll truly be my driving theology (pun intended).

Like proud parents, we are already showing off pictures of our baby!

Here’s a picture from 13 weeks just relaxing at the bottom of my tummy.

It was really amazing to see the ultrasound.  We could see the baby’s heart beating.  We could see the baby moving.  When the ultrasound technician poked my belly, the baby jumped!!  It’s funny because while all the nausea reminds me daily that I’m pregnant, it’s really all based on ‘faith’ that there’s really a baby inside — until I SEE the ultrasound and then it’s clear that there really is a baby there.  Can’t wait til we can really see the baby face to face.

We also took some video during the screening.  In the video, you can see the baby raise his/her hand, stick out his/her tongue and the heart beating.  The technician kept freezing the screen though in order to do her measurements and stuff, but you can see the baby moving in between the frozen screen shots.

My grandma passed away last week.  We had a wake/funeral for her on Wednesday and Thursday. 

Both services were led by Buddhist monks.  They chanted sutras for a long time; everyone in the family had to bow down and light incense to buddha and to grandma.  “Everyone” included all my aunts and uncles and cousins.  Now the question for those of us who profess Jesus as Lord (viz.: Sam, my sister and me), do we bow or not?  Do we kneel or not?

The stakes were high.  If we refused to participate, it would be interpreted as complete dishonor and disrespect of my grandma.  Everybody would know it.  Everyone would be offended.  But if we did participate, it would be interpreted as acknowledgment of buddha – that we believe these sutras and acts of worship to buddha would mean something or do something.  In our hearts, we know buddha does not exist.  If our hearts do not bow down or worship, does it really count as worship to buddha?

In the moment, we were pressed without a choice, it seemed, to participate.  But I could not bow, and I did not bow.  Out of respect for my family, though, I did kneel.  I stayed far in the back and off to the side.  I didn’t feel great about kneeling, but it was the best thing I could do in that situation to pay my respects to grandma and to not disrupt the funeral service.

After the burial on Thursday when we thought everything was over, we were informed that these rituals for grandma were to be continued for the next 7 Sundays at the temple.  We were “required” to attend the first and seventh of these temple visits.  I was surprised and sent into turmoil.  What do we do now?  As Sam and I wrestled over it for hours and hours, we came to the conclusion that we just couldn’t do it. 

The act of bowing down has special significance to me.  It didn’t have any meaning at all until after I became a Christian.  Bowing down, then, became an all-out act of worship.  I bow and prostrate myself before God to say, “Here I am, Lord, all of me — offered up to you.  You alone are God.  You are the one true God and there is no other besides you.”  The Bible tells us not to bow down or worship anyone or anything but God alone.  So to me, physically bowing to anyone else is attached to the spirit and the heart of worship; it just can’t be separated.

So with some fear and trembling but armed with God’s courage (funny how you can have both at the same time), we shared our conviction with my parents on Sunday morning.  Dad was understanding; Mom was offended.  But what could we do?  After that, we left the house and went to church to worship the one true God — instead of going to a temple.  It was the right decision.  A hard one, but the right one.  I know a stake has been nailed into the ground.  May God be glorified as a result of it.

What would you have done?  Would you bow?  Would you kneel?

If you’ve ever been in this situation, please share your story with me.

I’m happy to report that I’m starting to feel a little bit better.  Thanks for all your prayers.  I’m still feeling nauseous but I haven’t thrown up for a few days!  Now instead of throwing up from everything except crackers, I have found that there are certain foods that I really need to avoid.  Here’s my list so far, which I will keep updating.

Foods I can’t Stomach:
chicken  (this kills me because that’s all we have in the house)
eggs (this was supposed to be my ‘easy’ food)
shrimp
non-fresh food (can’t eat leftovers the next day – which gets expensive)
soup – broth made from bones (my comfort food!)
Indian curry (homemade from Patak‘s starter sauce)
yogurt
Pho (do I need to say how tragic this is??)
MAYBE spicy foods (flaming hot cheetos, salsa, will test it again)

The good news, though, is that I’m not so paralyzed by nausea anymore that all I can do is sit there.  (Yup, there were days on end where I’d just lie on the sofa staring at the ceiling because moving made me sick.)  Now I can actually read a little, so I started reading a book called Fresh Faith by Jim Cymbala.  He poses this question – what amazes Jesus, the all-powerful, all-sovereign, all-knowing one?  What amazes him?  Only one thing – faith.  He cites the two examples of the Roman centurion (Lk 7:9) and the Canaanite woman dog + bread-crumbs story (Mt 15:28).  Jesus was amazed by their great faith, and He granted them their request.  By contrast, when He went to his hometown, it was their lack of faith that amazed him and rendered Him helpless to do any miracles (Mk 6:5-6).  Faith makes a difference! 

I guess I’ve been having a bit of a defeatest attitude for awhile.  One where I’ve felt like, “Well, if God’s gonna do something, He’ll do it. If He doesn’t want to do it, He just won’t.”  It doesn’t matter if I pray or don’t, have faith or not.  But I’m not a Calvinist.  Thanks to Pastor Cymbala, I am reminded that, deep down, I really do believe that when we have great faith, God responds to that.  His heart is softened by our earnest hearts and our childlike faith.  I need to have fresh faith.  I want to have such great faith that I might “amaze” God.

Just read this entry again about how God answered my prayer after 9 years, and it put tears in my eyes.  Sometimes it’s just so easy to want to give up on God because He doesn’t answer my prayers as quickly as I want Him to, but it’s not because He doesn’t love me.  It’s because He loves me.  There’s a better time for it — or there’s a better answer for the request I’m making.  I need to trust Him.

Lately, I feel like Jesus is standing outside the door of my home.  He’s not inside; he’s outside.  I don’t pray because it doesn’t seem like He will answer, but I do pray because deep down I do believe that it makes a difference if I don’t.  The unbelief comes because I have been praying for all these weeks for Him to relieve me of my nausea or at least lessen it — but to no avail.  Daily, I feel beat by my body and all of its limitations.  I dream about shedding this tent and receiving that glorious, resurrected body which Paul speaks of — one which will not weigh me down nor hinder me from living.  Other women resume life as if life wasn’t developing rapidly within their bodies.  They push through whatever sickness they might be feeling and continue their work and exercise and play.  But as for me, it has been like I had to get off the train and sit on the bench and watch the train roar rapidly by.  Real life has come to a screeching halt.  Yet the days seem to blur together with morning sickness lasting 24 hours rather than a few hours before noon and consisting mainly of sleeping, trying to eat something and throwing up.  So it’s been hard to keep praying when nothing seems to change.  It’s been easy to wonder if God is really there or if He really cares.  And yet I know He does.  I know He’s not a God who stands outside my door but stands right here in the middle of my heart.  I just need a reminder of His breath of life upon me.

The other day, I prayed through Psalm 139 with the baby in mind.  In the past, when I have prayed through the psalm, I always marvel at how amazing it is that God created me in my mother’s inmost being.  This time, my amazement tripled as I considered the baby in my womb.  I praise God that even before one day of our baby’s life has come into being, He already knows them all, and He has ordained each one.  He is knitting our baby together and sees him/her in the secret place.  I can’t see anything that’s going on inside, but He can!  It’s just so amazing to remember how all-knowing God is and be reminded what it means that He is the Creator — a creator who is loving.

As Sam & I follow along babycenter.com’s guide on how the baby is developing week by week, we have learned that even now, everything is already set for the baby — from the way the baby looks to the baby’s gender — everything is set and just needs to mature as the days go by.  Isn’t this what the Bible speaks of when it says that God has ordained it all? 

Yesterday, we got a glimpse of what God is doing.  Here’s our little bean:

The arrow is pointing to the head.  Our little baby looks like a cashew right now.  (Sam has a better image for you to compare it with on his xanga.) 

Isn’t it amazing?  It’s hard to believe that this little cashew is going to turn into a little person!!  I can’t stop marveling.