I am coming back to the place of believing in the indescribable.  For a long while, I think I stopped really believing in the power of God to do the miraculous, the unimaginable – the things that you can’t do the math and figure out or piece together like a puzzle of rationale.  I dismissed the supernatural, the miraculous ability of God to transform and change.  The Christian life seemed to me to be just a matter of professing certain beliefs and then following a certain way of life.  Eternal life was some time in the far future.  The miracles were something in the distant past.  Something really seemed to be missing though.  But I just couldn’t understand.

I am starting to accept again that there is this thing that can’t be explained.  God comes in and supernaturally alters everything.  He does do that.  He can do that.  Life isn’t just a matter of fitting into neat little formulas.  There is such a thing as an unexplainable element where God breaks in and changes everything.  We discover in that moment that we are not alone or on our own after all. 

It’s just been awhile since I’ve experienced God break into my life in that way, turning my water into wine.  Where is that amazing transformation and incredible answered prayer?  Where are his whispers of love?  I stopped believing that if I wait for him, he would come.  And it was because I stopped waiting that he stopped coming.  It wasn’t the other way around.

Haven’t written in far too long.  Life seems to be consumed by tasks that must be done and responsibilities which need to be filled.  Even my desire to journal has been pushed aside with the discouraging belief that I’m far too busy to sit down and journal.  Yesterday, I realized though that the lack of time spent writing and reflecting has meant a loss of an essence of who I am.  And even as I sat to journal, I stumbled upon a breakthrough that needed breaking all along.  I hate feeling so busy that I don’t have time to write. And as parenting mode has kicked up into full swing, I realize that there has been a reordering of my life, a shifting of my thoughts, attitudes, and priorities.  This is sort of a ‘duh’ realization but it’s always novel when it’s actually happening to you and though you knew it before, it somehow has to come upon you like an amazing epiphany.  One thing that I have realized is that I have lost my focus with my seminary studies.  I’m back in class now, and as much as I was determined not to lose my focus, lose my moment and my enthusiasm, my determination has had no impact to the reality that my priorities have altered.  I love studying and learning and everything else about seminary, but there’s this baby.  And that has made all the difference to me.  I wish there was two of me (or three or four).  I wish I could spend all day on my toddler, teaching her new things.  And I wish I could go into full throttle with my studies, my research, my prayer and meditation and my ministry.  But alas!  …  God, help me to sort everything, everything, everything. 

Three weeks ago, I started teaching a class at my church for a basic discipleship series.  In the course of these weeks, I have been unceasingly humbled by the reality of my limitations.  Keenly aware that I am so in over my head, the only thing I can do is plaster myself to my Papa God.  And in the midst of it all, there are two things I will never forget.

On the morning of the first class as I was getting ready to leave for church, I suddenly felt a piercing pain in my foot.  I couldn’t walk on it or stand.  I realized immediately that it would be impossible to teach with that pain in my foot.  So Sam and I sat down and prayed that God would heal my foot and take away the pain.  After we finished praying, I stood up and the pain had decreased significantly.  It wasn’t gone though, so we sat down and prayed again.  After that prayer, the pain had decreased even more and become very faint.  I walked on it for a few minutes and then it was completely gone.  God answered our prayer.  This was incredible because we have prayed for healing over many things but this was the first time that we experienced it that instantaneously.  In the gospels, physical healing was often more importantly accompanied by a spiritual reality being unveiled.  In healing me at that moment, God not only enabled me to do what he had called me to do but he affirmed that this was exactly what he wanted me to do. 

In sweet juxtaposition, that morning I had awoken from a very vivid dream.  In this dream, I was a little girl about 12 years old.  This little girl was wearing a school uniform and standing in front of the school with a man.  He started off by saying, “Well, I sent out the invitations.”  It was evident that this news produced in the little girl about a hundred different thoughts and emotions.  But she said, “What if no one comes?”  He said, “But we’ve got the Jonas Brothers.”  The girl, who was 12 years old at the beginning of the dream, appeared to be about 5 years old at this point.  I knew, as the scene unfolded, that the girl was really 12, but to the man, who was clearly her father, that’s how he continued to see her and love her.  She was near tears but couldn’t verbalize her gratitude.  The whole time, she had been wavering between approaching and coming near to him and walking away.  She moved a few steps away from him and then came back. 

In that moment, I understood her history.  She had been adopted by him, and because of the broken family she had come from, she had become a ‘punk’ kid.  She knew she had not been a model child, so she wondered how she could be loved by him and how she could fit into this new school.  She wasn’t well-bred like the rest of the kids and she didn’t have an unblemished record.  She was being placed into this school with a clean slate; she was starting over, but would others accept her?  This man had adopted her, but does he really love her?  So when he decided to throw a party for her and send out invitations and invited a celebrity band, she was speechless.  He was doing everything he could to make her able to fit in and be accepted.  She was going to be a new person with a new life!  She couldn’t believe it but felt so undeserving of it all — that’s why she kept edging away from him.  She just felt so undeserved. 

Then the moment came that would make everything fade away.  He said, “There will be all those people, but just remember, it’s just you and me.”  Those words broke down her walls.  Tears spilled down her face as she ran into his arms.  Even though he would and could and will give her everything that she has ever wanted, deep down, the only thing she really wanted and needed was a father’s love.  That was it — and she had it.

God’s message to me was so clear.  He wants to and will give me everything I want (namely, to use my gifts to serve him), but all that really matters is the him-and-me.  It’s just him and me.  And even as I ‘get’ all these things, all I should worry about and focus on is us.  In ministry, sometimes you just want to seek to please other people, you might treat it as a performance, you want to see a response, outcome, fruit — but God says, “No, that’s not what this is.  Ministry is you living out this relationship.  I’m the only one here.  I’m the only one you have to worry about — and that means that you don’t have to worry.”

It’s been a long, winding journey through the wilderness for me, but I feel like I have finally come home. 

“The Son is the image of the invisible God…” Col 1:15

This is a powerful statement.

God is invisible.
This is something we all know.
But JESUS is the image of God.

Jesus makes God visible, tangible, knowable and understandable.

When we look at Jesus, we’re able to see the One whom no one has ever been able to see or know before.

I can’t get over how amazing that is.

“Hiiii, hiii, hiii…” I heard the lady behind me speaking in a tone, reserved only for babies.  I knew she was talking to my baby.  I also knew that she wasn’t the one who initiated.  I turned around to find my baby waving her little hand at her.

“Is she being friendly?”  I asked the lady, acknowledging their interaction. 

“Your baby is so smart, she already knows how to say hi,” she responded. 

It was, in fact, very true that my little one was making a sound that very closely resembled the word, “hi.”  I just smiled and pushed my shopping cart farther down the aisle. 

Though this was not the first of such an occurrence, I couldn’t help but continue to think about the incident even as I was on my way out of the store.  My baby says hi to everybody.  She is nondiscriminatory, has no hesitations, no fears and no hangups that cause her to hold back.  She just waves at everyone she sees. Sometimes they wave back at her, sometimes they don’t.  Often, she’ll keep waving and smiling at them until they notice her and wave and smile back.  I have seen the tiredest, frowniest, most unhappiest looking people discard their frowns because she somehow broke through their weary ruminations.  They just can’t help but smile back at a baby who is waving at them with such abandon.  It really amazes me. 

But when people don’t notice her, I often try to help her get their attention.  I do it because I want to protect her.  I imagine that she would feel really sad if they don’t wave back at her.  But then I realized today that it never really affects her when she gets no response.  She has no fear of rejection.  My baby is a completely clean slate.  And I realized that I could definitely learn something from her.  What would my life be like if I had no hangups, no fears, no hesitations?  How would my impact on people be different if I loved with God’s love and with God’s joy with no fear of rejection?  I think I would see the tiredest, frowniest, unhappiest people wave back with great abandon.  How awesome would that be?

I didn’t always know that I would become a writer.  My dad, on the other hand, always had a sense that I would.  I know because of the many times he would tell me not to become one while I was growing up. The funny thing was that I wasn’t intending to become one at all.  My dad’s discouragements did not go unheard.  His admonitions made it clear to me that being a writer was not a glamorous job.  I understood that a very small percentage of people write bestsellers, and of those who are regularly employed for writing, the pay is dismal (compared to other noble professions such as being a doctor).  My plan had always been to earn my living through something practical and then write on the side.  But then the older I got, the more I realized what my dad had known all along — I loved  had to write. 

Of course, this didn’t change my plan.  I was en route to becoming a doctor — and nothing was going to change that –

except Jesus. 

When Jesus entered the picture, my perspective on everything became more focused.  Becoming a doctor had never been my idea.  It wasn’t even what I wanted to do.  What did I want to do?  I didn’t know, but I hoped that God would put me on a path where I could make a lot of money.

That lasted about two seconds. 

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy…But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven…“  The purpose of my life pivoted on this very verse.  I began to ask myself questions like — How can I orient my life in such a way that I only invest in the things that last forever?  God, what’s your will for my life?  God, how can I use my gifts for you?

Before I became a Christian, I spent all my time weaving together stories — stories of a world and a life that was better than the one I knew.  After I became a Christian, I started living a life better than the stories I could write.  I have since been swept along by a new current — one that beckons — no, more than that — urges me to voice God’s revelations to me.  I began to recognize that writing was a gift He had given me, and I had to use it for Him.

Having given up my old ambitions of pouring my life into a career simply for the sake of earning money, I was released to dream new dreams.  God gave me new dreams.  And these are the dreams that He has been fulfilling.  And when God fulfills my dreams, I am filled with a sense of awe.  I am awed because when dreams come true in my life, that means God is keeping His promise to me.

It was about four years ago that God confirmed in rapid-fire succession that He wanted me to pursue my writing.  I was cynical and in disbelief.  That’s probably why He had to tell me four times in four different  ways.  It was hard to deny as a result of that.  But having come out of that encounter with God, I was instantaneously slapped with a deathly silence.  I had no inspiration to write.  Four years of wandering ensued, in which I went from writing little to none at all.  At the end of it, I looked back and realized that the wandering wasn’t actually wandering after all. Those years were purposely given to me in order for me to heal, process, redefine and regroup; it was in order for me to have something to write about; and it was in order for me to feel confident to write about it.

Recently, some things have really begun falling into place.  Dreams are bubbling out over the top.  I have been zeroing in on my writing.  Profusely.  And then this and that and another thing happened, and I found myself being offered a job to write.  I’ve never tried ghostwriting before, but it has been a new aspect of writing that I am enjoying developing.  My first paycheck the other week was tangible evidence of God’s confirmation to me.  More than money, all of this is God making His dreams come true in me. 

And one day I will publish a book.  I know it will happen, not because I am driven by the ambition to be famous, but because I am driven by the passion to write.  It’s not only that, but it’s also because God has impressed on my heart that He will give me stories to write and revelations to unveil.  It’s the dream He’s given me.  And because of that, I’m confident that He will make it a reality. 

Ultimately, I’ve come to really grasp that getting compensation for writing is not what makes me a writer.  It’s God who has made me one.  And maybe that’s why my dad always knew it.  It’s because I had always been a writer, all along.

The other night, it truly dawned on me that I am one of the most blessed people in the world!  Right now, I get to be a wife (to the best husband in the world), a mom (to love-incarnate), a writer (and writing gives me a runner’s high, a sugar high, and a caffeine buzz all at once — this is when I feel God’s pleasure the most), a seminarian (how I love learning about and thinking about theological issues), and a missions recruiter (keeping the passion and calling alive for missions as I encourage others to go!).  I only need to pastor (teach/disciple/lead a Bible study) and I will have it all covered — all my passions, dreams and desires!  How awesome is that!  I am in absolute awe and disbelief.  God is allowing me to actively pursue all the things I love. 

I turn 31 today.  And though I have enough gray strands on my head to prove my 31 years, I am not at all in dread of my accrual of days — for I am finally again pursuing the things God wants me to, and I am feeling the thrill of it.

I am no longer inactive and asleep.  I am in motion, in movement.  It won’t be long before we will be starting our home group/Bible study, and then I really will be doing it all — using all my gifts and touching on many of the dreams God has given me. 

I’m 31 and so blessed!  I’m so glad life gets better and better.  When I was engaged to be married, I thought I was on top of the world.  It wasn’t that I thought life couldn’t get any better, but I had not experienced better up to that point.  Now I know a life infinitely better than back then.  And I know it’s going to get better and better as I keep following Jesus. 

Some decisions you make impact you for the rest of your life.  That’s how it feels about our decision to foster two years ago.  We only had our foster daughter for three months, and yet it somehow seems like she was in our lives for so much longer.  I don’t know why that is, but our lives were changed forever by our time caring for her.  I still think of her as my first baby, my firstborn.  I can’t even imagine not having done it, not having gotten to love and care for her (and the joy of having her learning to love us back!).  Choosing to foster really was one of the best decisions we ever made.  So often, I think of her and miss her with a mother’s longing.

Driving away from church yesterday, Sam and I found ourselves discussing again how much we love our church.  Sometimes it’s something in the sermon, sometimes it’s a song during the time of worship, sometimes it’s a thought that God gives while we’re engaged with him there, sometimes it’s a testimony that somebody has shared… it happens because there’s a Presence there, and the space is conducive to an encounter with the living God.  We have been worshiping at Coast Vineyard for about a year and a half now, and though developing friendships there has been sadly slower than molasses, the work of regeneration in me has not.

Looking back now, it’s hard really to know how many years of wandering and woundedness I had been wallowing in.  For a long time, I was so tangled up by fears and hurt that I was incapable and undesirous of doing anything productive in the Kingdom.  Not even making and keeping friends.  But Abigail Van Buren once said, “A church should be a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints,” and that is exactly how I would describe my experience at Coast.  It’s like I walked into a hospital two years ago and have been steadily healing and recovering ever since. 

I’m not sure how it happened — just that my heart has been in my hands, poised with an open invitation to God to, “Breakthrough in my life, breakthrough, like only You can do.”  “Sing over me, Jesus…sing your songs of healing over me.”  “Chains be broken, lives be healed…” (Please break the chains that hold me and heal my wounded heart.)  After making these songs my constant prayer over the course of these many months, God really did come to me — he really did break through into my life and bring about a significant amount of healing. 

And he continues to do so.  For as my friend, a therapist, often reminds me, “Grief is like a moving river.”  It really doesn’t ever end but ebbs and flows and moves in different directions at differing paces.  I’m thankful that as the river continues to move, so does the Spirit.  And healing does and can come.  There is a balm in Gilead!  There is a Physician there!  And he came to me.

There should be more, but I need to move on and do other things today, so this is my “bucket list” (things I want to do before I kick the bucket) as of:

May 17, 2010

Skills/Activities
1- Speak Vietnamese fluently
2- Speak one other language fluently
3- Play guitar well enough to participate in leading worship once
4- Learn self-defense
5- Ride a hot air balloon
6- Have one white Christmas
7- Publish a book
8- Attend a Chargers game

Travel
9- Go to Vietnam for an “m” trip
10- Live outside of US for over a year
11- Visit the Holy Land
12- See the Sistine Chapel
13- Go to Bath, Somerset, England (with a visit to Jane Austen Centre, of course!)
14- Stand on top of Eiffel Tower
15- Visit Prince Edward Island (with a visit to Avonlea Village, of course!)

Books
16- Read Tozer’s major works
17- Read a work of Bonhoeffer
18- Read a work of Augustine
19- Read a work of Calvin
20- Read a work of Luther
21- Read a work of Spurgeon
22- Read a work of Andrew Murray
23- Read a work of Nouwen
24- Read a work of David Brainerd
25- Read a work of Jonathan Edwards
26- Read a work of Teresa of Avila
27- Read a work of Brother Andrew
28- Read a work of Watchman Nee

Spiritual
29- Get my M.Div. from seminary
30- Teach a theological/Bible class
31- Preach a sermon
32- Be a pastor
33- Help start a church
34- Lead a Bible study in every book of the New Testament 
35- Lead a Bible study in every book of the Old Testament
36- Memorize John 11 (narrative of Lazarus)
37- Memorize a book of the Bible
38- Pray with my mom & dad
39- Welcome Mom & Dad into the Kingdom of God
40- Share the Gospel with all my aunts & uncles
41- Share the Gospel with my 28 cousins
42- Baptize my child(ren)

Already Accomplished

43 - Lead & disciple at least one person to Christ who will ”reproduce”
44- Ride a horse
45- Read all of Jane Austen’s major works (6 novels)
46- Overcome fear of public speaking (speak in front of at least 100 people)
47- Read every book in the Bible
48- Share the Gospel with my sister and help her walk with Jesus
49- Share Jesus with Mom’s parents
50- Take a trip with best friend Sam (Chang) – just the 2 of us (Portland. TIU).
51- Move out of parent’s house on good terms
52- Have a good relationship with both parents
53- Go on staff with a Christian ministry (Navs, CCC, PESI)
54- Have one of my written works published in a book (it was a poem)
55- Get baptized (7/20/97)
56- Go on a short term missions trip (summer 03, CSM LA)
57- Go to China for a missions trip
58- Watch the sun rise over the ocean
59- See one of the Wonders of the World (Great Wall on 7/17/04)
60- See a Shakespeare play in a theater
61- Learn how to ballroom dance (Viennese waltz with Dad for my wedding)
62- Ride a train (China)
63- Walk down the aisle as a bride

Please make a list and share it with me too!  I’d love to read it.