A new reality show called “Dating in the Dark” aims to determine whether people can make connections without physical appearance as a factor.   The show makes me wonder about the importance of the physical and reminded me of the conflict I felt when I was a single.

This conflict could be epitomized by the advice given to me by my well-meaning aunt during my single days, “You have to dress (more) sexy in order to catch a man.”  I remember feeling really shocked when I heard her say it.  As I looked myself in the mirror, I knew that by the world’s standards, I was not exactly the prettiest girl on the block.  Therefore, I must admit that there were certainly many moments back then when I put on the make-up, fixed up my hair and chose certain kinds of clothes which I thought might make me more appealing to men — with the sole purpose of appearing more attractive to them. 

There came a point, however, when I became more secure that I didn’t have to dress more sexy in order to catch a man.  Because while the world looks at the physical appearance, God looks at the heart (1 Sam 16:7).  And anyone who is in Christ should no longer consider others from a worldly point of view, but, instead, in the way that God looks at us (2 Cor 5:16).  The conflict continued to plague me, however, even with these biblical truths — because the message that continued to blare at me was that though Christian men were supposed to embody these principles, they were still men who responded to what they saw visually.  So what’s a girl to do?

With Jesus as my guide, I eventually came to a series of realizations, including, “Just because someone is uninterested in you, it doesn’t make you uninteresting” (See this entry).  I realized that, “It’s not about how beautiful you may appear to be but how beautiful you truly are” (See this entry).  I also realized the importance of just following God and being in the right place at the right time doing the right thing (See this entry).  And ultimately, I realized too that, “I can’t be spending all my single days altering myself for their sake.  For if some guy becomes attracted to the alteration of myself, will he be disappointed when my true self resurfaces?”  (See entry on Alluring Femininity).

This past weekend, out of the blue, Sam said to me, “I’m glad you don’t wear makeup.”  It was a comment that was out-of-the-blue, but it spoke right to this old issue that I had long forgotten about.  I danced inwardly with glee as I realized how thankful I am that God brought me through that journey of having confidence in my identity in Christ.  If I had not and had tried to allure him with things that are not truly “me”, I may have never known the freedom of being fully loved just for who I am.  He loves me for me, without those supposedly alluring feminine accouterments, and he thinks I’m beautiful.  Hallelujah! 

And so perhaps it may actually be possible to ‘date in the dark’ and, in a way, be blind to looks if one has both feet in the Kingdom, only measuring others by His standard of grace and beauty…and waits for another who is doing just the same.  What do you think?

Whenever Sam goes away on a work trip, we always hug and kiss goodbye at least a dozen times.  It always crosses my mind that this could be the last time I would see him.  As I thought about him today on the drive to the doctor’s, I realized again what a gift God has given me in Sam. 

As we have attended childbirth classes and gone to our hospital tour and met other dads-to-be as well as fathers of young babies, I’ve been able to see what a contrast Sam is to them.  A lot of these dads scoff, mock or make jokes about childbirth and labor.  The moms are intent on learning; they’re concerned, they’re making themselves ready for this grand new responsibility.  But a lot of these dads seem far-removed — or at least, very much so backseat participants and observers with an attitude of, “This is her thing, not mine.  I’m just here to be support if necessary.”  Sam is so different from them.  He is truly my partner in all this.  This is our thing.  Not only is he in the front seat, sometimes he is driving!  He is more eager to read up all the information we need to know about pregnancy and childbirth than I am.  He was the one to do the research to find the best OB and the best hospital for us to have our baby.  And he has told me not to worry about trying to find a pediatrician because he’ll take care of doing the research.  And unlike other dads who dread and despise going shopping for baby things and getting things ready for the baby (i.e. we’ve heard other dads complaining about how difficult it is to put the crib together, etc), Sam’s always more than happy to do these things.

And how he loves our little baby!  He’s always talking to the little baby in my tummy and so excited when Baby moves.  It just doesn’t get old for him (which I thought it would by now).  If I tell him the baby’s moving, he’ll stop what he’s doing, come to my side and put his hand where the baby had moved, and he’ll wait and wait until the baby moves again.  Every movement, every hiccup, every jab and roll is like a little miracle to us, and he has yet to treat it like it isn’t.  He really loves our little baby!  There’s no way to describe the depth of his love for this little life that neither of us has met.  There is so much eagerness, excitement and anticipation.  Witnessing his love for our little baby helps me understand – even just a glimpse – of 1John 3:1, “How great the love the Father has lavished on us that we should be called children of God!”  Such endearing love Sam has for our little one — even before s/he has even done one good deed, smiled at us or done anything remotely “cute” — a love that has been formed and forged and developed simply because this little one belongs to us.  God created him/her, and s/he is ours to take care of until He sees fit to take him/her home.  And we love this little one deeply, just because.  That’s what God’s unexplainable love for us is like, measure for measure.

What a gift that God has given Sam to me to be my partner in life.  There is no one more devoted, loving and wonderful as him.  How much I love him – words cannot describe.  Thank you, God, for this best gift that you have ever given me.  May I endeavor to give you sufficient praise for your lavish love toward me (in giving him to me) all the days of my life!

Psalm 63 – The psalmist thirsts for God and longs for Him in a “dry and parched land where there is no water.”  Interesting that in a dry land, he doesn’t long for water but for God!  “Your love is better than life,” says the psalmist.  “I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods.”  The psalmist knows too well that God exceeds all physical wants and needs.  Here I am, perpetually obsessed with my physical hungers (during this diabetic pregnancy), when the reality is that there’s no greater hunger I have but my soul’s thirst for God and no greater satisfaction than what He gives — His love, His power, His glory. 

The verses in this psalm call to mind 1 John 3:1, “How great the love the Father has lavished on us that we should be called children of God!”  How great indeed.  His love is better than life, and He lavishes it on us.  How long has it been since I’ve felt that His love is better than life itself?  –better than all the physical desires, comforts, things?

With God, I can be fully satisfied as with the riches of foods.  Better than candy, cake, noodles, sushi, and all the wonderful things I have been craving but cannot have.  Those things never satisfy.  Only God fully satisfies.

This verse calls to mind Isaiah 55.  “Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and you will delight in the richest of fare” (v. 2).  God will give me the richest of fare – without money and without cost.  I will delight in what He gives, and it will fully satisfy (vv. 1-2). 

In addition, it’s always been interesting to me that God’s invitation is, “Come, all you who are thirsty.”  What is the prerequisite?  Who is to come?  It’s simply those who are thirsty, and, in fact, those who have no money.  Most invitations to fancy dinner parties are for those who are wealthy.  But there is no such discrimination here.  If you are thirsty, then you qualify as someone God wants to come to Him.

How easy it is for me to feel physical hunger and thirst – but to tune into the spirit and realize my spiritual hunger and thirst, that truly is another thing!  But when I hunger and as I thirst, why should I buy what does not satisfy when God makes available that which fully satisfies?

I am thirsty.

God, help me be attuned to my spiritual hunger and thirst.  Help me see that my soul is craving you and that there’s no greater satisfaction than in you.  Lord, would you come and fill the depths of my soul?  Would you dive down deep to the places that have been untouched, where only you can go?  Will you scoop my depths up into a holy embrace with such tenderness and affection that I’m left without room for want?  breathless & speechless in your arms, overwhelmed & overcome with your ineffable love.  I know that your love is better than anything on earth.  It is greater than anything by far — which means there’s an unnameable, undefinable, indescribable essence to your love – something intangible, something unimaginable, something so divinely unearthly that I can’t even picture it now and have forgotten.  Meet me, God, in the deepest depths of my soul where only you can go.

As my pregnancy is coming down to the last month, I realize that there’s one thing I will really miss about it.  I will miss the connection I have with our little baby.  Right now, our lives are intertwined.  When s/he moves, I am completely aware of it… and it’s special.  The rolls and jabs are like evidences of little miracles, reminders that there’s a little life inside.  Later on, if I want to see or touch the baby, I will have to physically go to where s/he is.  Right now, it’s constant, continual, ongoing.  Yup, that’s definitely what I will miss.

But there’s one thing about pregnancy I won’t miss.  In this last trimester, I have had to adjust to a new lifestyle as a diabetic, with the pressure that if I don’t adhere closely to the dietary plan, I will bring risk to the baby.  I’m thankful that God has given me a new found compassion for diabetics, but it has been challenging!  Here’s a little of what it has looked like.  (A record mostly for me to remember in the future.)

Every morning when I wake up, I take 1/2 of a glyburide pill (glyburide is a catalyst for insulin) immediately and take my blood sugar level before rolling out of bed.  The diabetic nurse said that getting up to walk around could skew my measurement, so I should do it immediately while still in bed. 

Taking my blood sugar level includes pricking my finger, squeezing blood out, putting in the test strip, getting the blood into the strip, then recording the measurement.  The first one in the morning has to be below 89.

After I get out of bed, I wait an hour before I eat anything, so that the glyburide can kick in.  I’m usually pretty hungry while I wait, but it’s gotten easier as time has gone by, and my stomach has gotten used to the discipline.

For breakfast, I can have 1 slice of whole wheat bread (if the total carbohydrates is 15 g or less), 2 eggs and 2 turkey bacon.  No milk or fruit.  An hour after the start time of my breakfast, I prick myself and test my blood sugar again.  The reading should be below 129. 

Usually, I have my “snack” right after I test my breakfast blood sugar because a whole hour has had to pass and I am usually pretty hungry.  At this point, I usually have a yogurt (must be below 15 g of total carbs) and then some nuts.  I try to wait as long as possible before I eat lunch though because if I have lunch too soon, my blood sugar will be too high.

At lunch, I’ll have 1/2 cup brown rice, plus some kind of protein (beef, chicken) and veggies.  An hour after I started eating, I test my blood sugar again.  Like at breakfast, my reading should be below 129.  Before the weather got so hot, I would usually take a 15-20 minute walk right after I ate because that helped make my blood sugar level go down.  Exercise works like a charm.  Unfortunately, it’s been so hot lately, and I haven’t been able to come up with a good alternative. 

The hardest stretch is between lunch & dinner and dinner & bedtime.  There are so many hours in between, and I’m allotted only 1 starch or 1 milk or 1 fruit. However, I can have as much protein & veggies as I want.

Dinner is the same as lunch – in terms of portions and taking glucose measurements.  I try to take a 15-20 minute walk after dinner as well. 

The after dinner/before bedtime snack is more generous than the other snack allotments.  At this time, I can have 1 milk and 1 starch (instead of one or the other), plus a protein.  I usually have 1 slice of wheat bread with a slice of cheese and a cup of whole milk.  (Interesting, 1% or 2% milk may be less fattening but contains more total carbs.  Something I learned from the diabetes nurse is that anything lowfat or fatfree has more carbs in it because sugar is added to make it more tasty.) 

Before bedtime, I usually take 1 glyburide pill.  If I don’t go to sleep within an hour of taking the pill, I get really hungry (since the glyburide is inducing insulin production).

That’s pretty much my day – every day.  And, everyday, I also record everything I’ve eaten as well as all my blood sugar level readings in a document. At the end of the week, I send it to a nurse who monitors and evaluates my numbers and calls me to tell me if I’m doing everything right or wrong.

One thing I’ve found is that going out to eat is committing blood sugar suicide.  Even if I’m careful about what I choose from the menu, my glucose inevitably skyrockets.  Even salads are dangerous because of the sugar in dressing or the tasty fruits added (mandarin oranges, dried cranberries, etc).  Everything else has tons of starch.  The only 2 places I’ve been able to eat have been Tofu House and El Pollo Loco.  But the upside has been that since I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, I’ve been able to eat chicken again.  (If you remember, during my 1st and 2nd trimesters, eating chicken made me nauseated and caused me to vomit).  Being able to eat chicken has helped so much!

The other part of gestational diabetes has been all the additional doctor visits and tests.  There are two additional ultrasounds (at 32 and 35 weeks) in order to measure the baby to make sure Baby hasn’t gotten too large. 

Here’s the “4d” ultrasound of Baby at 32 weeks:
  

I also go the doctor’s office twice a week (starting at week 34) to do “non-stress” tests for the baby.  In the non-stress test, I’m hooked up to a fetal monitor.  Baby’s heartbeat and my stomach’s movements are monitored.  Baby has to make two major movements where heart rate goes up 15 more beats per minute than the average heart rate, lasting at least 15 seconds, and this has to happen twice in 15 minutes.  If this doesn’t happen, we have to start the time over again… and wait until it does.  This test is frustrating to me because sometimes the baby is sleeping.  If the baby doesn’t perform to their satisfaction, I would have to go to the hospital post haste and do more stringent tests that last for a few hours. 

The hardest part of gestational diabetes is not being able to eat whatever I want.  With pregnancy comes cravings, and it’s been difficult to deny those cravings.  Sometimes the cravings are so strong, I’m afraid that I will give in.  Fortunately, there’s only 2 more weeks until I am full-term and 5 more weeks before the baby MUST come out.  One month — manageable, possible, within sight…hopefully.  Then I will get to see this little baby face-to-face…and go back to my normal diet!

Here’s a picture of me and my big belly, taken yesterday!
 

In John 12:2, it says that “Martha served.”  One must wonder why Martha was back to ‘serving’ after having been ‘rebuked’ by Jesus to be more like Mary by learning instead of being busy with housework (Luke 10).  Jesus’ rebuke was radical for that time and culture because women were not given the privilege of learning from Rabbis — in fact, they were not even believed to have the capacity to think and make good decisions.  But by telling Martha and all the other disciples that Mary had chosen the better thing (learning from Jesus instead of what was believed to be ‘women’s work’), He was bringing women to their rightful standing — right beside the men.  Martha was freed to exercise the mind that God had given her, but did she embrace that?  In John 11, it seems like Martha attained a new level of understanding with her profound declaration, “I believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, who was to come into the world.”  She certainly was a forerunner in the faith.  So why did she go back to ‘serving’?

I recently read some commentary on the book of John, which gave some richer insight.  The Greek verb used to describe Martha’s act of ‘serving’ is diakonein.  Diakonein is the word from which we derive “diaconate” and “deacon”.  In “Women of the Gospel of John,” Pastor Jones points out that by the time John’s gospel was written, this word had become a liturgical term of ministry in Christian communities.  Martha was a symbol of hospitality and service required of those who follow Christ.  Just as clearly, she was recognized as fulfilling the role of minister.  (pp. 43-44)

S.S. Schneider (Written so May Believe: Encountering Jesus in the Fourth Gospel, 107) also attests further that by the time John’s Gospel was written at the end of the first century the term diakonos, “servant”, had become the title of a recognized ministerial office in some Christian communities (see Phil 1:1, 1 Tim 3:8, 13, Rom 16:1), and waiting on table a function conferred by the laying on of hands (Acts 6:1-6).

So when listening ears of that time and culture heard that Martha “diakonein”, they were thinking, “She was ministering; she was pastoring.”  They weren’t thinking, “She was waitressing.”  So it looks like she embraced the radical freedom which Christ gave her to learn, serve and minister, after all!

Scriptural translation and meditation of the week – Psalm 62:1-2

Verse 1
אַךְ אֶל-אֱלֹהִים , דּוּמִיָּה נַפְשִׁי;    מִמֶּנּוּ, יְשׁוּעָתִי.
-Surely, (this is nothing other than the truth that) with God
-my soul is in repose (alternate translations: still/waiting)
       – “repose” means the state of rest, peace, calm, composure (a state only derived from feeling safe/secure)
-my salvation comes from Him.
       – “comes from” indicates “source”… i.e. the source of my salvation is God
       – “salvation” in the OT refers primarily to physical rescue (i.e. from enemies, harm, evil) though with a spiritual nuance (though there is a spiritual connotation to the idea of salvation, the psalmist did not have New Testament definitions of salvation in mind when he wrote this).

So with God, my soul can be calm and at peace — why? — because He is my salvation.  He is my rescuer and my deliverer from harm, evils, enemies.

Verse 2
אַךְ-הוּא צוּרִי, וִישׁוּעָתִי;    מִשְׂגַּבִּי, לֹא-אֶמּוֹט רַבָּה.
-Surely, He is my rock and my salvation
        – “rock” is figurative of God as support and defense of His people
-my refuge (alternate translations: secure height/stronghold/retreat, i.e. place of safety and security)
-I will not be shaken (alternate trans: moved/tottered/slip/be overthrown) ever (alt trans: at all — emphatic)!

The imagery of God being a refuge – a high secure place of safety – is repeated throughout this psalm. He is “my refuge” is literally “secure height” which is interesting, since in v. 2c “I will not be shaken, ever!”, the word “shaken” can be translated “tottered” or “toppled”.  These are words that are related to being on a high plain and are also used in vv. 3-4 (totter, topple, lofty).  God is my secure height; I will not be toppled, ever!

Verses 11 and 12 sum up the main idea of the psalm nicely.  “Power belongs to you, God, and with you, Lord, is unfailing love.”  Because power belongs to God, He is able to be that refuge, shield of protection and deliverer from evil.  And because of His unfailing love, the psalmist knows that God will harness that power for him (and on his behalf), so that he can rest in the calmness and peace that is derived from a sense of security.  The imagery I see from this is that the psalmist is being suspended in protection (over a cliff, but safely) by God’s power and love. 

The injunction to us, modern-day readers, is this:  Trust him at all times; pour out your hearts to Him (v. 8); and do what is right (v.12), for the Lord God is our Rock and our Salvation. 

On my walk yesterday, I suddenly had a recollection of how challenging it is to have a baby in one’s care.  There’s a never-ending, constant demand on your energy.  There’s a huge sense of physical, emotional and spiritual responsibility.  Parenting is seriously the most difficult job in the world.  And then this sense of panic hit me — what did I sign up for??  Unlike fostering, there won’t be an end time when we will give the baby back!  This biological baby is ours for keeps (which is AWESOME, but…).  Our baby could be colicky, whiny, loud, constantly running around, full of high energy.  I love my life of tranquility, quietness, routine and order.  So of course, I can just imagine God wanting to throw a wrench in the system and give us a ‘non’-easy child so that we would develop character.  haha.  This thought made me squirm, but as I prayed, I began to realize that it’s not so bad that God would want to use our child to teach me even more about flexibility and spontaneity than I have ever learned before.  Perhaps s/he’ll have the kind of charm that will draw people more in to our lives.  These are good things, not bad things. 

The idea of having something challenging, though, is challenging.  But, then again, if it’s going to happen anyway, why not invite it?  Why not have the attitude of openness?  Why not have the posture of teachability?  The more I thought about this, the more I began to realize that for far too long, I’ve been running away from things that are difficult and challenging –but why do I do this?  The reality is that challenging things will come my way anyway, why not invite it and wait for it with expectation…knowing that through trials, God develops in me perseverance, and from perseverance a maturity and completeness so that I would not lack anything (James 1:2-4).

Parenting is full of joys — this is what everyone focuses on when you’re expecting a baby on the way.  But I don’t want to be so deceived as to forget that it is full of challenges too — challenges that will result in more maturity which means more joy.  So bring on the challenges, God, I’m ready (with You by my side).

On Sunday, we sang a worship song with lyrics made up of the words to Psalm 23.  Because I spent hours and hours translating this psalm and exegeting it for my final paper in Hebrew, I was ‘slightly’ bowled over by the depth of meaning I experienced as I sang the words.  To blog all the different nuances I learned would be tedious, but today I wanted to share one thing that continues to make ripples in my heart. 

At the end of the psalm in verse 6, most Bible versions render the verse, “Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life…”  Interestingly, the word that is translated “follow” from the Hebrew is more accurately (in my opinion) translated “to attend closely to” or “pursue.”  In the Old Testament, this word is most often used to describe enemies who hotly pursue their adversaries.  However, because of God’s protection, it is not enemies who hotly pursue the psalmist (nor us) but God’s goodness and faithfulness.  What an incredible, vivid image it is to see God’s goodness and faithfulness personified here as being in hot pursuit of me!  I have no fear of enemies chasing me, being hot on my trail, breathing down my neck.  Instead, I have the shalom-giving assurance that God is hot on my heels, actively chasing me down with his goodness and faithfulness.  His love for me is ACTIVE, not passive or stationary…

Something about this truth just causes me to bow and worship.

A friend sent me a link to this article (click here) where a dad tries on pregnant belly suit for a day in order to understand what his wife went through during pregnancy.  I like the article and think all men should try to walk in the shoes of a pregnant woman at least once in his life!  The belly suit may not be completely accurate, but it does its job of cultivating empathy and understanding. 

Some of the things I appreciated about the article was how the author identified the sense of loneliness that pregnant women feel.  Even though I have a very compassionate, supportive husband, the truth is, being pregnant is still something that only my body is going through.  Some of the heartache I’ve experienced during this pregnancy has been from wishing that he could really share the burden with me.  When it’s been particularly hard, I’ve asked him (ridiculously) to ‘take the baby from me and put it in your belly’.  And though he is lovingly sympathetic, sometimes I keenly feel that it’s like he’s just standing on the outside, looking into a window at me. 

There’s also a sense of helplessness when it comes to pregnancy, which the author accurately identifies.  Your body is out of your control; it does things that you didn’t tell it to; and it surprises you at every turn.  And with all this new weight you’re carrying around, your pelvic bones weakening and the real exhaustion that you feel, there’s a great limitation to what you can do.  You can’t pick up things off the floor, get off the couch without a boost, carry things that are too heavy, or even chase your husband around a little room without feeling wiped out.  I thought it was funny that the author’s Granny said, “I bet you can’t tie your own shoes.”  He thought she was just poking fun of him, but around here, it’s a daily reality.  Sam has to tie my shoes for me. 

Lastly, the author expressed an admiration for women who are willing to endure pregnancy a second time.  I agree!  I’m amazed by women who will do it a second time.  And the funny thing is that I had always thought that the only women who are willing to be pregnant again are the ones who had pleasant, painless experiences — but the more women I talk to, the more I realize that I was wrong.  Just last night, I spoke to two women at my church who had very difficult first pregnancies.  However, they both had three more after that.  These women are my heroes.  I will not be in this category.

Being a mom is the toughest job in the world… and that job doesn’t start with the day the baby is born.  It starts at conception. 

I woke up this morning with a new rendition of an old and familiar Bible verse, “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are a woman, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.”  (from 1 Tim 4:12)  Now, I don’t normally advocate editing the Bible, but the message felt like a specific word from the Lord to me this morning. 

The verse actually says, “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young…”  When I was in high school, this verse struck a special chord in me.  Although these instructions were from Paul to Timothy, who was a young pastor, I felt like the truth applied to me as well.  I knew that because I was young (and very young looking), there might be a little dismissal of me as a servant of the gospel and ambassador for Christ.  Somehow, this seemed even more relevant in the hierarchical Asian context, where the elders are given the highest regard.  But as a new believer, I knew that I had something to contribute to the Kingdom of God.  I knew that God had just as much pleasure using me to minister to those around me as the oldest person in the Kingdom, even if I was a teenager who had only come to know Christ within the last few weeks/months.  Unlike at large companies where seniority is king, the kingdom of God isn’t about how long you have been a member but how much you are obedient to Christ. 

And I was determined to be obedient.  When Christ told me to share the gospel with my long-time friends at school, I sat them down and shared with them the Bridge illustration (which I initially learned from my pastor).  When Christ told me to meet up with other girls in my youth group to pray for their walks with God, I went — even though it still scared me silly to pray out loud.  When Christ told me to start a Bible study, I sent out ‘invitations’ — even though I had never been in a Bible study before.  If Christ had told me to walk a thousand miles, I would’ve done it.  And though I was young, inexperienced and lacked training, I was making a positive impact on the Kingdom, and He was pleased with me. 

It doesn’t matter if you are young, God wants to use you.  Be obedient to Him, and set an example to other believers in your speech, conduct, love, faith and purity.  That was my motto.

This morning, God reminded me that the same thing applies to me as a woman.  Even though I have a very clear, Biblical understanding of God’s equal estimation of men and women, the stunning realization that half of the believers in America believe that women have less value and should not take on certain roles has shaken me to the core.  For far too long, I have let others “look down on me” because I am a woman.  I let it stop me from being obedient to Christ.  God’s message to me this morning was the same as when I was a youth.  Just don’t let others look down on me, don’t let them dismiss me or presume things about me, and don’t let them go on believing in the untruths that women can’t or shouldn’t do certain things if God has called them to do them.  But how to achieve this is not through debate or argument.  The answer is simply to be obedient and, in that way, demonstrate to other believers that God can and does use women mightily for His Kingdom.  “Set an example,” He says, “through speech, conduct, love, faith and purity.”  “Yes, Lord,” I say.