A friend sent me a link to this article (click here) where a dad tries on pregnant belly suit for a day in order to understand what his wife went through during pregnancy.  I like the article and think all men should try to walk in the shoes of a pregnant woman at least once in his life!  The belly suit may not be completely accurate, but it does its job of cultivating empathy and understanding. 

Some of the things I appreciated about the article was how the author identified the sense of loneliness that pregnant women feel.  Even though I have a very compassionate, supportive husband, the truth is, being pregnant is still something that only my body is going through.  Some of the heartache I've experienced during this pregnancy has been from wishing that he could really share the burden with me.  When it's been particularly hard, I've asked him (ridiculously) to 'take the baby from me and put it in your belly'.  And though he is lovingly sympathetic, sometimes I keenly feel that it's like he's just standing on the outside, looking into a window at me. 

There's also a sense of helplessness when it comes to pregnancy, which the author accurately identifies.  Your body is out of your control; it does things that you didn't tell it to; and it surprises you at every turn.  And with all this new weight you're carrying around, your pelvic bones weakening and the real exhaustion that you feel, there's a great limitation to what you can do.  You can't pick up things off the floor, get off the couch without a boost, carry things that are too heavy, or even chase your husband around a little room without feeling wiped out.  I thought it was funny that the author's Granny said, "I bet you can't tie your own shoes."  He thought she was just poking fun of him, but around here, it's a daily reality.  Sam has to tie my shoes for me. 

Lastly, the author expressed an admiration for women who are willing to endure pregnancy a second time.  I agree!  I'm amazed by women who will do it a second time.  And the funny thing is that I had always thought that the only women who are willing to be pregnant again are the ones who had pleasant, painless experiences -- but the more women I talk to, the more I realize that I was wrong.  Just last night, I spoke to two women at my church who had very difficult first pregnancies.  However, they both had three more after that.  These women are my heroes.  I will not be in this category.

Being a mom is the toughest job in the world... and that job doesn't start with the day the baby is born.  It starts at conception. 

The problem with Job's friends, as we all know, is not that they didn't care about Job but that they approached it all wrong.  Poor Job had lost everything he had - his oxen, his sheep, his camels, all his sons and daughters and his good health.  I mean, the poor man was afflicted with so many painful sores all over his body that he was even unrecognizable to his friends (in addition to his financial ruin and emotional heartbreak)!   And how did his friends try to encourage him?  They lectured him, gave him advice, told him all the things he should've done better.  I guess I can't really blame them, really.  When bad things happen to someone you care about, you want to help them feel better, and most of the times, you're not really sure how.

In the last few weeks since I found out that I have gestational diabetes, I have been feeling pretty down.  My pregnancy had already been so difficult the first two trimesters, I couldn't imagine it getting harder.  But it has.  I can't tell you how many times I've said, "I hate being pregnant" the last few days or cried or just felt plain discouraged.  With gestational diabetes, you have to follow a strict schedule. 

If you follow the diet, you're not supposed to be hungry, but to be honest, I'm always hungry still and feeling sick, which makes me not want to go for a walk but I have to go for a walk after every meal or my blood sugar level will be too high. 

An hour after I eat, I have to test my blood sugar level and record it.  There's now a long list of foods I cannot eat like rice, noodles, all desserts, french fries, pizza, etc.  I have to limit my intake of fruit (if you had a choice between a fruit or a slice of whole wheat bread while you're feeling hungry, what would you choose?)  And though I've been following the meal plan, I'm often getting high glucose readings.  The consequence of not getting my blood sugar level under control is that the baby will receive more glucose than s/he should and can get really big (too big).  Worse case scenario:  baby outgrows placenta, c-section needed and baby's chances of getting diabetes and obesity increase. 

Some people love pregnancy, and some people don't.  I am a part of the latter group.  It's been hard.  Not every pregnancy is this hard, but this one has been.  And I am learning what words encourage someone who is down and what words do not.  It's encouraging when someone just says, "I'm sorry it's been hard."  It's not encouraging when someone says, "it's going to be fine in the end", "don't worry, it'll be over soon", "it'll be worth it" or give a slew of advice.  Who wants Job's friends?  Romans 8:28 platitudes just seems to belittle the pain.  Acknowledge my pain, don't minimize it.  Unless you have walked in that person's shoes (and actually, even if you have), don't give them advice or tell them how they will forget it all once it's over.  Don't tell them it's not a big deal.  I think the greatest comfort that Job's friends gave him was just sitting next to him without saying a word for seven days and seven nights.  Wouldn't you agree? 

We saw a cute, adorable, heart-melting little newborn on Sunday at church, and I was reminded of what I'll end up with when these 40 weeks are over. 

That cute little newborn on Sunday and was reminded of the little newborn foster baby that we had for a short time in our care.  He was the cutest little helpless little premature baby.  I keep being reminded today of that Friday afternoon when he was dropped off at our house.  Sam was not home from work yet and there I was all alone with this little baby.  It didn't take him long to start crying and crying, and there was nothing I could do to comfort him.  He felt helpless.  I felt helpless.  I had to shut the window because he was screaming his little head off so loudly, I thought the neighbors would think I was abusing him!  Looking back, I just don't think he was ready to be in the cold world yet, for his colic stayed with him all the days we had him.  Sam and I always say that it was the most difficult ten days of our entire lives, but we always say it with a smile.  We always still think of him and his precious little life and are glad that we had ten days to love on him.  

Newborns - so cute, so helpless and so much work!  I'm looking forward to our little newborn.  A new little life.  Plus, an end at last to this difficult season in my life called pregnancy.

I just wanted to thank everyone who shared their stories with me because of my last entry.  I can't truly understand the heartache that comes with a miscarriage --or loss of a child.  Though having carried this baby for 23 weeks, I can almost imagine.  It really takes God to understand hard things like this. 

Coincidentally, my friend Pam told me yesterday about a song I might like.  When I looked it up, I found out that one of the lead singers of that song experienced a miscarriage right before recording that song.  The truths of the song are so perfect for desert times such as those.  Here's her story and the song.

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

I particularly love the last lines... "This is my prayer in the desert"... which is followed by, "This is my prayer in the harvest, when favor and providence flow, I know I'm filled to be emptied again, the seed I've received I will sow."

Because I didn't feel the baby move all day Sunday or today, I started to get really worried by the late afternoon.  I started trying to coax the little cashew, "Baby, are you there?  Can you please move a little?"  Admittedly, I've been so preoccupied with my studies all day both days, I haven't had a chance to just sit down and pay attention, so it could've been just that, but when I tried to lay on the bed in the afternoon for the purpose of sensing the baby, I still didn't get any probes or movements.  As a result, I even went online to look up miscarriage symptoms.  Then, finally, when I sat down to eat dinner, I prayed, "Ok, Lord, I'm worried, but I know I need to stop worrying, because you're God, and it doesn't matter how much I worry about this, it won't change anything.  I just need to let it go and trust you."  And as soon as I prayed those last words, I felt a little probe from the baby.  The timing of the response was unmistakable.  I am strongly reminded of Job's words, "YHWH natan, v'YHWH lakach" (Job 1:21) - "The Lord gave and the Lord took away;" -- and of course, the subsequent declaration, "May it be that the name of the Lord be blessed!"  (my own translation of Job 1:21)  It's really by God's prerogative that He gives us anything at all, and so it is also His prerogative to take whatever back whenever He wants.  Truly, everything is a gift from His hand.  I just want to meditate on that today.

P.S. When I finally finished my translation of the passage of Isaiah tonight, which is what I've been preoccupied with, and finally sat down and put my swollen feet up to relax, I felt the baby move a lot!  I guess I need to relax more.

As of yesterday, I am now 22 weeks pregnant.  My tummy is at the 'perfect' measurement, according to my doctor, and I have gained approximately 20 lbs - yikes!  The hospital bills keep coming and makes us want to cry every time, but all in all, I'm in a good place with the pregnancy. 

I realized, however, that since I was so sick during my first trimester (0-14 weeks), there was much that went unrecorded.  Here's my attempt at recounting my journey thusfar.  [Warning: the following details may scare you out of pregnancy.]

The first trimester felt really long and drawn out, as I spent literally all day and night on the couch.  The nausea was constant and relentless.  I couldn't keep any food down, and every time I tried some food, I could only sit for a short while, have a few bites, and then I was back down again.  Poor Sam was always having to get me something new (and different) to eat.  The basics that I was able to consume were crackers, "peanut butter slices" (a slice of bread with peanut butter on top), and soy milk.  I'm not sure how I didn't just waste away completely since there'd be days when that would be the only thing I would eat.  We kept trying chicken soup until one day I realized that it was the chicken that was making me sick -- which made sense, considering the chicken sold in the markets have all kinds of hormones and arsenic injected into them.  The smells of hot foods, in general, was always too strong for me.  I even started disliking garlic and onions being sauteed even though pre-pregnancy, my motto was always "more, more, more" of those!

I threw up pretty regularly - maybe 3 or 4 times a day.  Going to the bathroom made me gag every single time because of the smell (pregnancy = strong sense of smell) -- and often, being in there would really cause me to vomit.

During that time, I rarely slept through the night because I kept waking up from dehydration.  My mouth would sometimes be so dry, my tongue felt like cardboard.  I would wake up, drink water, go back to sleep and then wake up an hour or 2 later with dry mouth again.

I hardly left the house during those days, because I was way too sick to move.  When we did go out, Sam had to drive slowly because the bumps on the road made my stomach swirl.  Somehow, we managed to only miss one Sunday morning worship service.  And somehow, I managed to make it through my seminary classes -- by God's grace!

The intensity of the sickness finally relented at 17 weeks.  I started being able to get up from the couch -- to help Sam with the dishes -- and finally get out of the house to go places.  Vomiting frequency decreased to about once every week or two.  And now nausea really only occurs in the morning after I wake up, when I haven't had anything to eat for about 2 hours, when I eat certain foods (like chicken and pork), or when any food is old and not fresh (my pregnant body will tell you if it's old meat!!).  The only meat I've eaten since I've been able to eat has been beef.  Beef every day.  Sadly, I still don't ever sleep straight through the night, but it's no longer from dehydration.

I started feeling the baby move around 16 or 17 weeks but wasn't confident that it wasn't just gas bubbles until the weekend of Mar 28 (18 weeks).  After that weekend, I had no doubt that it was the little cashew's movements.  In the beginning, it felt like bubbles and flutterings.  Now it feels like stronger probes on the inside of my belly.  Sometimes it feels like the baby's somersaulting inside.  Sometimes it feels like the baby's dancing on my bladder -- seriously.  Moments when the baby has moved the most:  during Hebrew class the other night, when Sam's tummy was touching mine and he was talking to the baby, and when I was singing some worship songs one night.  It's fun to feel the baby move.  Such a surprising reminder that there's a real LIFE inside me - a little person!  It's so exciting to think about.  Amazing miracle.

These days, I'm enjoying having my "baby bump".  My tummy is noticeably showing.  I'll admit, it's fun to rub.  Sam loves to put his hand on it and say, "Hi, little baby inside.  This is da-da.  How are you doing?  Are you growing ok?  I love you." 

What I'm not enjoying is the back pain, getting tired so easily (my body can't keep up with my desires), feet hurting from standing for only a little while, having difficulty getting out of the depths of our sofa, and mostly, urinary incontinence.  That's probably my least favorite thing to deal with at this point. 

Surprises along the way have been the need to go up in various garment sizes, waking up sweaty in the middle of the night, waking up from overly intense and vivid dreams, waking up from my snoring sometimes (which I never did before), feet feeling too tight in my shoes, wedding ring feeling too tight on my finger (and having to take it off), and even having trouble putting on my own socks when I'm standing because my belly gets in the way.  I can't really even see my feet anymore when I'm standing.  All of these are apparently, according to the Baby Center, normal pregnancy issues.

Something else not so fun was the ultrasound ordeal.  I call it an ordeal because prior to getting an ultrasound, you have to drink 24 oz of water and wait an hour before you can do the ultrasound.  They say it allows for clearer imaging.  I say it's just to torture a pregnant lady.  That's enough to make me have to pee in my pants - literally.

Something funny that happened last Saturday when I went to the Carlsbad outlet with my mom was that my 'baby bump' ended up bumping into a clothes display because I misjudged how much space I need.  I don't think Baby appreciated it too much, so after that, I kept my hand on my tummy as I maneuvered around crowds just in case I ran into something else.

Most embarrassing moments (that I'm willing to tell about) so far:  One day, recently, Sam & I were walking around our neighborhood.  All of a sudden, I started coughing because of some kind of itchiness in my throat.  The coughing turned to vomit -- and I had to make my deposit right there in the middle of the street.  Two men were standing nearby and witnessed the whole thing.  I felt so embarrassed!  The second bad vomiting incident happened one night after class.  I got out of my car after parking it and promptly threw up right there next to my car.  I felt like everyone in the neighborhood could hear me -- as the noise I was making bounced off all the walls.  Fortunately, it rained shortly after I went inside the house.

One of the nicest things though has been having such a devoted husband, who was so willing to do everything while I couldn't.  He went to work, cooked, cleaned and took care of me.  I don't know what we would've done if we didn't have an egalitarian marriage.  We certainly would've been sunk.  And every day, he would say, "Thank you for carrying our baby." because he doesn't take for granted how difficult pregnancy is and knows what a sacrifice it is for me to give up my body in order to nurture our little baby into this world.  It's made all this hard stuff a little less hard.

Here's me at 22 weeks!

Today we went in for my 18 weeks ultrasound.  Baby was sooooo active, moving and somersaulting all around.  (Perhaps we have a sports star in there!)  Unfortunately, this made it pretty challenging for the technician to get good measurements, so we were there for an hour+.  Baby also liked to move hand to his/her face too.  Maybe baby is carmera shy.  I wonder if any of this will be any indicator on the baby's personality.  Can't wait to find out.  

Here's baby in mid-action.  See the legs up in the air?  So cute!!!

And here's the little feet. 

Thought of the day:  I can't believe there's a little baby inside with a heart beating all on its own.  I saw it and heard it again today -- and still amazed every time. 

At 17 weeks, I feel like I'm finally at a place where I'm able to enjoy my pregnancy.  My nausea hits me the worse when I first wake up in the morning, but if I can eat the right kinds of food (this mostly means no chicken, no pork, no seafood), then I feel mostly okay throughout the rest of the day.  This is such a contrast from before when I felt nausea all day long and could only eat two bites of food at a time and would have to lay back down on the couch.  Vomiting has decreased to about once every week rather than three times a day.  Feeling better physically makes me feel better emotionally as well.  And right at this moment, I'm just laying on my bed smiling, with a big belly between me and my computer. 

Here's a picture of me last week.  I'm not HUGE yet but growing daily.

We thought we could strategically take this picture in front of the crib, so you could see it.  Sam brought those pretty tulips home to me last week.  We're hoping to nurture them so that they will flower again.  I'll let you know how that goes.  

P.S. For those who want to know, we are planning to wait to find out the gender, so you'll have to wait too!

Like proud parents, we are already showing off pictures of our baby!

Here's a picture from 13 weeks just relaxing at the bottom of my tummy.

It was really amazing to see the ultrasound.  We could see the baby's heart beating.  We could see the baby moving.  When the ultrasound technician poked my belly, the baby jumped!!  It's funny because while all the nausea reminds me daily that I'm pregnant, it's really all based on 'faith' that there's really a baby inside -- until I SEE the ultrasound and then it's clear that there really is a baby there.  Can't wait til we can really see the baby face to face.

We also took some video during the screening.  In the video, you can see the baby raise his/her hand, stick out his/her tongue and the heart beating.  The technician kept freezing the screen though in order to do her measurements and stuff, but you can see the baby moving in between the frozen screen shots.

I'm happy to report that I'm starting to feel a little bit better.  Thanks for all your prayers.  I'm still feeling nauseous but I haven't thrown up for a few days!  Now instead of throwing up from everything except crackers, I have found that there are certain foods that I really need to avoid.  Here's my list so far, which I will keep updating.

Foods I can't Stomach:
chicken  (this kills me because that's all we have in the house)
eggs (this was supposed to be my 'easy' food)
shrimp
non-fresh food (can't eat leftovers the next day - which gets expensive)
soup - broth made from bones (my comfort food!)
Indian curry (homemade from Patak's starter sauce)
yogurt
Pho (do I need to say how tragic this is??)
MAYBE spicy foods (flaming hot cheetos, salsa, will test it again)

The good news, though, is that I'm not so paralyzed by nausea anymore that all I can do is sit there.  (Yup, there were days on end where I'd just lie on the sofa staring at the ceiling because moving made me sick.)  Now I can actually read a little, so I started reading a book called Fresh Faith by Jim Cymbala.  He poses this question - what amazes Jesus, the all-powerful, all-sovereign, all-knowing one?  What amazes him?  Only one thing - faith.  He cites the two examples of the Roman centurion (Lk 7:9) and the Canaanite woman dog + bread-crumbs story (Mt 15:28).  Jesus was amazed by their great faith, and He granted them their request.  By contrast, when He went to his hometown, it was their lack of faith that amazed him and rendered Him helpless to do any miracles (Mk 6:5-6).  Faith makes a difference! 

I guess I've been having a bit of a defeatest attitude for awhile.  One where I've felt like, "Well, if God's gonna do something, He'll do it. If He doesn't want to do it, He just won't."  It doesn't matter if I pray or don't, have faith or not.  But I'm not a Calvinist.  Thanks to Pastor Cymbala, I am reminded that, deep down, I really do believe that when we have great faith, God responds to that.  His heart is softened by our earnest hearts and our childlike faith.  I need to have fresh faith.  I want to have such great faith that I might "amaze" God.