March 28, 2011

  • Various aspects of grieving

    "Stuck"

    In my grief, I often saw myself at the bottom of a pit, all alone, stuck, and wanting to get above ground. 

    My greatest breakthrough came when I realized that Jesus wasn't standing above the pit, waiting for me to climb out, so that I can resume being a part of life.  He was down in the pit with me.  He was with me in my pain.

    "Standing in the Pain"

    Sometimes the pain can be so fierce, though, I have often chosen to distance myself from my pain.  I put all my pain in a room, close the door, and walk away.  The reality, though, is that even as I walk away, I can never really be free from it -- not unless I press into the pain with Jesus.  A wound will not heal with a bandage stuck on it unless the wound has been cleansed.  Cleansing requires exposure.  And exposure takes courage.

    As the one who grieves, this seems impossible.

    But there is a door.  There is a room.
    You don't want to go in.  There is too much pain. 
    But Jesus is there.  He's already there. 
    He will stand in the pain with you.

    It really takes courage to walk into that room, but it helps me to remember that Jesus is already in there with arms outstretched to embrace me.  And even better.  He will take my hand and walk with me into that room where the pain has been hidden.

    "A Good Friend"

    Being a good friend means being the one who will take the other hand of the one grieving and help them to walk into that room and stand with them in their pain.  I have come to realize that, in that standing, I have to face my own pain.  I have to ask, How would I feel if I was experiencing this?  What would really comfort me now?  That reflection will lead me to remember my own pain again.  And in that remembering, I become the best friend I possibly can be.  But this is nothing near easy.  To be honest, I don't want to face that pain again.  I'd rather pray for someone from a distance than engage so deeply with my heart.  But without engaging, without pressing into my own pain, I know I won't be the only one who will miss out on what God is doing.

    "Remembering"
    Sometimes, part of grieving is simply remembering.  I remember you, my dear brother.  I remember how we used to run into each other across campus -- Library Walk, Price Center, "Peterson Hill" -- and stand and talk about life and God and how far along we were on our TMS verses.  When I pulled out my old verse card holder the other day, I remembered you and our conversations. 

    "Cycling"
    Remembering always leads me back through DABA.  No one ever told me that grieving goes through cycles.  I thought you just go through the Denial, Anger, Bargaining and end up at Acceptance, and then you move on with your life.  I didn't realize that after acceptance, you may end up at denial all over again.  And you keep cycling through DABA as you journey along the path around the mountain of grief, going higher and higher.  I may experience denial again but I'm at a higher vantage point from the last time.  There is hope!

    In remembering, I always find myself asking the "why" questions.  Eventually, I end up back at acceptance.  Acceptance and faith -- faith that though I don't understand, though I will never get all my whys answered -- faith that I believe in a God who is good and loving -- yes, absolutely good and absolutely loving, though I do not understand.