November 4, 2008
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To try and fail
I had a really vivid dream last night that a woman from my seminary prayed over me — and then she spoke a word to me. When I woke up, I didn’t remember what it was until I started praying. Then I remembered that she had told me to pray directly against the fears which have been hindering me. So that’s what I did. And it was so freeing! It was exactly what I needed to do. I love that He spoke to me in a dream and provided the missing piece for my peace.
The other night, I had come to realize some of my fears. What has hindered me from moving forward in faith is this fear I have that my ministry will fail, fall flat, go splat. I have this paralyzing fear that it won’t work, I haven’t got the right ideas, haven’t looked at it from every angle or that it just won’t work for everybody. I’m afraid that I’ve evaluated things wrong, misunderstood where people are at and have come up with things that won’t meet people’s needs at all. It’s this dissenting, cynical voice that keeps making me doubt and second-guess. But why am I listening to this evil voice? It’s satan’s words of discouragement, and if I continue to listen, I will never move forward, and it will be my undoing. To try and fail is better than to not try at all. At least, even if I am “off” or “fall short”, I am still able to communicate love. I loved enough to try. And in the trial and error, in the realizing I missed the mark, I will know better how to get closer to the mark next time around. I have to try. I can’t throw my hands up in despair bcause I’m scared that I’ll be the fool. The fool is the one who does not take the step of faith to follow Jesus when He calls.
And this is what I prayed about this morning. I prayed against the dissenting voice — that it will no longer be an influence in my life. I prayed for God to give me the confidence that He is the one who gave me that certain vision; He is the one who is calling me forward.
Comments (4)
erg, forgot to add this verse too–2 Corinthians 3:4-6. Good stuff. It came up during a recent bible study for women in the medical profession who (remarkably) all confessed to struggling with these same issues.
thanks for this post, searchingfortreasures. really spoke to me. If I could offer two more thoughts by way of encouragement (w/apologies for length) –
1. 1 Corin. 10:13 – I’ve recently been reflecting about just how common fears of competency and performance are among women (which just happens to be where my sphere of ministry is–right now, graduate/professional women especially). So I’d imagine that learning to fight fears of failure and a performance-based valuation of self will enable you to serve all the more effectively in your future ministry, esp. if you’ll be working with women. In other words, you’re not alone, and these struggles are not without a purpose beyond our own self-development and maturity in Christ.
2. What’s touched me the most about effective ministers of the gospel I’ve met are not their perfection, but their earnest zeal and devotion to Christ. They are process-oriented, not results-oriented in the way they view success and achievement, and there’s an ease and rest in their efforts that speak to how they trust in God’s sovereignty over their ministries even when they can’t see progress. Even if their ministries are a “failure,” the attitude and posture of their lives speak volumes for Him. That aligns well with God’s own character, in loving people more than performance (Psalm 51:17 is just one example). So if one testimonial can help, be encouraged that what people will remember is your character and not how well your ministry succeeds.
would love to hear more of your thoughts and process in this!
Go for it!
@ennahart - The entry above was as a result of the realization of a particular negative voice in my life. For every idea I had, this person would always give me some input that was contrary to my thoughts. The continued cynical perspective over time caused me to doubt and second-guess myself. I think praying directly against it and saying out loud to God, “Lord, you have called me, you have gifted me, you have empowered me. These are your ideas. Please give me the confidence that you are leading me.” really helps to dispel all doubts. I walked into a meeting this last week and offered what the Lord had given me with confidence and without fear. Recognizing fear and acknowleding them before God really makes a difference!