| I realized last night that if I want to grow in my journey with God with "prayer", I need to throw myself on the path of total surrender to God. I need to be obedient and willing to be obedient to whatever God says. Sadly, I have been praying for radical changes in others while hoping deep down that it would happen at no cost to me. How dare I! I don't know. But deep down, underneath it all is fear. I'm lazy and undisciplined, and I don't want to have to do anything out of my ordinary routine -- because anything out of the ordinary is hard work, requires thought (how do I deal with this new situation?), requires faith (walking out into the seeming void and trusting God). It means discovering that I don't have as much faith as I thought I did (and what agony and humiliation to realize I'm not as spiritual as I thought). Oh, the lack of faith! -- how it manifests itself in how much it makes me sweat. Oh, the anxiety, the exhilaration, the nervousness. I've always said it's such a great adventure to follow God to the unknown, but really, I dislike it too. It's very uncomfortable -- but I know, yes, I know! -- that's the place I need to be. Greater growth and maturity prescribes that I must be in the place that makes me sweat. And to be in that place and not sweat? -- that is when I've really learned to trust in God. |
Comments (3)
Thank you for your honesty. It isn't always easy and discipline IS painful. I am reminded of these verses:
"I tell you the truth, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves Me must follow Me; and where I am My servant will also be. My Father will honor the one who serves me." - John 12:24-26
i love it.
love it too. you go girl.
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