January 2, 2007
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Adjustment
Marriage is an adjustment. For some, it may be a seamless transition - as commonplace a feeling as getting on a taxi because you get on a taxi every day. But for others, the idea of a taxi feels as foreign a concept as making a switch from driving your own sedan in Suburbia, California to the MTR (public transit system) of Hong Kong. Sometimes the adjustment has to do with the physical day-to-day operations of how you do things. Sometimes it's the emotional realization of not being single and of not belonging to Mom and Dad anymore. And sometimes it's a psychological adjustment - a new state of being that everything and everyone confirms that you've entered into but you're still scrambling because some parts of you still feel "not there yet". It's not anything you can put your finger on - not like a tangible need to unpack or to reconcile some difference - but you know it's there because you don't feel settled.
I was preoccuppied the first three months of marriage. I always felt like I was mentally making preparations for something. Preparations for dinner. Preparations for my husband's arrival home. Preparations for intimacy. Preprations for guests coming over. Cleaning the house. Putting things into order. The need for writing thank you cards always hanging over my head. Somebody's birthday. Some kind of holiday. Some kind of party. Something to plan for, something to get ready for. Perhaps I was needlessly making myself out to be busy. But the reality was that I was unknowingly so preoccuppied. The preparations felt necessary. Perhaps it was because, deep down, I always felt unready for things but I very much much so wanted to be ready.
Yesterday morning I was reminded that it was Martha who was preoccuppied with making preparations while Mary chose what was better. Mary chose the one thing needed. I've been so preoccuppied this whole time that I have missed the one thing needed. She sat at Jesus' feet. She looked up at Him. She gazed with awe and wonder. She listened intently. She learned from Him. Her life was changed. Lingering joy, lingering peace, lingering hope were flushed all across her face ever after. I've been missing this one thing needed.
As we are drawing near 'five months' of marriage and entering a whole new year, and things at last are settling down around me, it seems possible at last to make the kind of commitment that I so desperately need - to begin again to choose the better thing every single day of my married life just as I did in my single life, so that I may relish in each moment to the greatest extent of its possibilities. If marriage has been so good even with only minimal attention to God, how much more amazing will it be with deep, deep intimacy with Him?
Comments (2)
that's so neat. you expressed something that resonated with me quite a bit in this post. let me in on your journey of mary-ing...
seamless. funny how i couldn't let go of how different a sense that word had with the wrong spelling.
interesting how different peoples' experiences are. my first few months i kept feeling like i wasn't living up to invisible standards i had on me. like my mom was sitting on my shoulder shaking her head in disappointment at everything i did. then i realized she wasn't really there and that i was fine.