oh mary ann…..i am really glad you’re OK.

i heard somewhere once that when something shocking, scary or traumatic happens (at the time the context was domestic abuse) we often are tempted to think we could’ve done this or that differently, because we crave something or someone to be in control, and even when it’s out of our control, there’s that temptation to be angry at ourselves that we didn’t control the situation better, than face the more scary reality that we’re not in control. oh, it’s so natural for us to crave that control… to reach for it.  that we aren’t facing these unexpected and scary realities without anything that is stable and constant. i think these thoughts are fresh on my mind because i was thinking how often i play the “if only” game too… i think it’s easy b/c i crave structure and safety, and at the same time, when it’s not there, i try to find it in my reasoning about what factors i could’ve changed.

(i am sitting here uncertain whether that above paragraph is edifying…since it is more theory-sounding than personal and empathisizing… but it’s something that God’s somehow used to comfort me, show me something new about myself (that i tend to go deep in my thoughts adn feelings, so when i’m super scared, it’s easy to think of what happened just prior and just after and make connections), and enlarge my expectations of him…so i will share it with you after all…i think when we think and feel deeply, it is only natural to have these patterns of thought… but even when we face that harsh reality of we’re not in control, and we fall, we fall… into GRACE)

oh mary ann… i am really glad that our Lord God is in control.  He is.  keep reaching for him, just like you’re already doing. i’ll be praying for you and the financial impact of this accident. i know that adds a lot of stress…  much love from me. call me back sometime so we can at least give phone-hugs