October 13, 2005
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“A Masters in Suburbia” (i just found this i wrote jan 4, 2003)
I was not made to be a missionary – not physically – nor was I raised to be one. I was raised to get my masters degree in middle class suburbia. I don’t want to stay so long that I can earn a “masters” in suburbia, but I can see it happening already…
I’m passing some of the “general requirements” – the accumulation of “stuff,” the lustful eyes after pricey consumer goods (everything from a digital camera to a brand new car!), the desire to lead a project shockingly well at work in order to receive commendations (not to mention a secret wish to stay long enough to see the project finished and ensure that my name goes on the research findings publications…). Ah, my desires are so worldly!
…I’m so prissy – such a suburbanite. I can’t endure pain, heavy loads, cold, heat, dirt or anything that’s “too extreme” in any direction that causes any measure of uncomfortability. What an awful missionary I will be! How ill-fitting am I? I am completely inflexible and unadaptable, slow to change, slow to adopt new ideas. Anything foreign to me needs to be reasoned out and somehow reconciled in my mind before I am willing to accept and embrace it wholeheartedly. I am afraid of bugs and disease and filth and smelly things. I’m afraid of illness… and rejection (being with people who don’t want me to love them), of persecution, torture and being misunderstood. I’m afraid of being poor and going hungry and making my parents feel as if I have abandoned them…
but more than all these fears, there is one fear – the greatest fear – that surpasses them all. It is the fear of not living out my life for Christ. It’s the fear of not being a true disciple. It’s the fear of going my own way rather than His and maybe not necessarily ending in “destruction” but not necessarily ending in the greatest Joy either. It’s the fear of missing out on God’s Best for me (and therefore indirectly, for others as well), the fear of not “going on” in Christ, the fear of not being at the center of God’s will. Yes, the greatest fear that surpasses them all would be the fear of the consequences that would come from my conscious or unconscious willful disobedience to the desires of my God and King.
And so I plow on and plunge in, willing to…pick up my cross and follow Him – even to the depths of the unknown… which is really only “unknown” to me, but not to Him… because no matter how awful “unknown” may seem, it would not be as awful as having the “greatest fear” lived out in my life.
Comments (4)
what a great encouragement, and so beautifully written
thanks for sharing, and reminding us to live for what’s most important…. hmmm.. i also don’t want to have a masters in suburbia, but just have one Master & Savior.
God does not command obedience through fear.
“He fulfills the desires of those who FEAR him; he hears their cry and saves them.” Ps 145:19
“For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who FEAR him…as a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who FEAR him…But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord’s love is with those who FEAR him…” Psalm 103
“The FEAR of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge…” Prov 1:7
I fear the Lord and stand in awe of Him, in humble reverence and worship… and will follow in obedience for all the days of my life.
hehe, i don’t know of ANY of us is meant to be a missionary. ie. we all are tempted to think, “i can’t be a missionary; i’m not spiritual enough nor strong enough to live like that. and i don’t wanna come home in a few years with terrible fashion sense” (just like how we see old missionaries who still wear clothes which went out of fashion 5 years ago). but that’s where His grace comes into play! it’s a humbling, breaking experience, but there is NOTHING better than to answer His call. what a great way to say to God that it’s all abt Him and not abt me, and that He would increase and I would decrease (jn3.30).
…and once again i’ll say that i’m so glad that we’re on the same page on this! you are really cool, sweetie!