August 30, 2005
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I slept for the first time last night in over a week.
When I woke up this morning, my body *ached* and clamored for more sleep – and I was reminded of Psalm 63:1. “O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water.” The way that my body aches and longs for rest should be the way that I ache and long for my God. What a beautiful illlustration!
In His presence I find the fullness of Joy.
Last week was such a strange week – sorrow and joy for me both.
I am the official reflections-editor for www.juleschen.com. I have read every tribute that has been submitted. How beautiful a life that would inspire so much beautiful writing. I’ve not read so much good writing in a long time. Each story fills my eyes with tears. I miss her.
Julie never got to meet my boyfriend. But they corresponded for a bit. In one of her last emails to me, she wrote, “hey..i’m really happy for you! in your email you sound like you’re quite in shock..quite in awe! =) i like this one..everything in me says, ‘wow!! he is being such a man..so godly..has such integrity about it!’ ”
I like that she liked him.
This morning I am still in awe about this man that God has brought into my life. Yesterday, I re-read an old email that I had written to an older, wiser woman of God last December – way before I ever met S. This is what I wrote:
“I am twenty-five and feel called to go overseas for long-term missions. I don’t want to go to a big city as a tentmaker. I want to go into a miniority group, a village, a remote place. I am passionate about the lost. I want to marry someone who shares these same visions and passions… but it seems virtually impossible to find someone of like-heart. I know 25 seems “still young”, but it’s not reassuring to me to think about all those older single ladies. If those other older, godly, beautiful single ladies want to live a normal life and still can’t find a husband, what makes me think that I, who want to do something crazy like go overseas for good, would be given a husband?
“…of course I would rather not date or marry a man who is not driven with the same visions as I… so I have given it up to God.
“But suffice it to say, it is one thing to give God the offering, but another thing to bring Him your heart along with it. I think I have resented God for it since then. Why do I have to be called? My complaining rationalizations (or irrationalizations): If I wasn’t called, I could get married and live a normal life!! I think I have also convinced myself that marriage and missions are mutually exclusive and that basically, somehow, God’s best for me is to not get married. — which makes me feel pretty downcast. How come for everyone else “God’s best” is getting married and for me it’s not? I know it seems like I’m jumping the gun a bit, but it’s hard not to think that way when statistics show there are 10 women to every 1 man missionary and dozens upon dozens of single older sisters in the church… and no men around me who will really answer the call with reckless abandon. I feel almost like I need to be reconciled to the possibility that marriage and missions are mutually exclusive.
“I think simply put, I’ve forgotten how to trust Him. Forgetting that His best for me really is THE best. So could you pray that I would just trust Him?”
Reading my thoughts from last December takes my breath away because I am reminded of how convinced I was that I would never find someone who had a similar heart and passion to reach the unreached in the specific and precise way that I saw God calling me. I layed it on the altar completely. …but then to my utter surprise, this man really does exist… and I am thunderstruck that he found me and…and… I think he sorta likes me!
*whoah* I am the lucky one. * stay tuned for the story *
Comments (10)
really, really neat to read the thoughts from this older woman, and the earnest prayers to the Lord to fashion our heart’s desires to His… wow. very real, and very encouraging.
staying tuned! julie’s site looks awesome.
nice work on julie’s site! =)
i’m glad that you got some sleep finally! =) you’re the lucky one. it was nice to see you again in SF! take care, sister! =)
love,
marcia
Your faith moves mountains, Mary Ann…or perhaps your faith helps to see the spaces that He has moved the mountains from! Thanks for always being such a faithful sister…an encouragement to us all and certain joy to His heart!
Those are very real sentiments. I met up with a Wycliffe mobilizer after turning in a preliminary questionaire and he told me that my death knell for missions would be if I dated/married someone who was merely open to missions. I became very discouraged as it eliminated everyone I knew. He retold story after story of how he met a person who was passionate about missions and then married someone who was open to it. Out of the dozens he knew, only one couple actually went out to the field.
Thanks for your reminder of the glory and the riches to be found when following His heart to the nations, nothing can compare.
Wow, thanks for keeping us up with these developments — you’ve met someone?! So sorry to hear about your friend. Glad you got some sleep. All glory to God admist mourning and rejoicing.
I “praise God from whom all blessings flow” for you
Praise God for this awesome testimony!! literally laying your hopes on the altar and waiting upon the Lord. You have been an immense blessing to me.
Hi Maryann, This’s Pauline. I got your email and realized that you moved back to San Diego. So, we can’t meet up and talk about the Bible in the Bay Area any more. Maybe, we can meet up in SD if I will travel to SD in the near future. Hope all is well with your bf and yourself!