September 11, 2004
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been struck by the startling realization the past few days that i have trouble really believing that God would give me what i really want. it’s not those simple things that i won’t believe he’ll give me. but it’s those longings that are inextricably tied to the deepest most vulnerable parts of my very being that i fear he wouldn’t allow for.
there are normal people. and then there’s me.
normal people go to college, get a degree, date someone wonderful, get married, buy a house, have babies, go to church on sundays, serve in their fellowship, support missionaries, live near their parents, get to watch their nieces and nephews grow up…
but me? i can’t do it. i can’t even walk down the street in my neighborhood and pass high school students getting out of school without feeling a deep pain in my heart knowing that they do not know the Lover of their souls. i can’t peruse books in a bookstore without aching for the searching, empty hearts of all these authors who are just voices representing a whole nation that does not know its Creator. broken hearts and broken people and broken lives… not just in this nation but the whole world over..
i am driven by a need to go here and there and everywhere and anywhere the Lord urges me to go in order to proclaim the greatest News i have ever heard and the greatest Heart i have ever known. oh taste and see how good the Lord really is! the One who turns my mourning into dancing, my death to life, my nothing into something.
and in all this drivenness comes the deep resounding heartaching question, God, even despite my not getting to be (and not wanting to be) a “normal” person, can i… is it possible that… well, i just… don’t know if i can really live out all these dreams without someone to walk beside me and lead me on. my dreams of pioneering new ground and preaching the gospel where Christ is not known (acts 15:20) may trickle away between my fingers… i don’t want to be a normal person, don’t wanna settle down, don’t want to set down roots. just want someone to run around with.
but because my calling and passion and drivenness are so strong and specific, it just doesn’t seem possible. and anyway, could there really be someone so wonderful? and would he really want me to pursue You with him? so Lord, here’s to impossible dreams. wanting, Lord, that you will help me dare to dream that my life can be really as good as you promised.
Comments (9)
i like that we’re not normal…it makes life more interesting:0)
wow.
hey there Mary Ann,
ooh! thanks for sharing! it’s been so long since i’ve talked to you…but yea…that’s awesome that you have such a heart for the Lord. what you said was like “deep crying out to deep”… blessings!
have you ever heard chris rice’s “deep enough to dream” ?
so in other words, you want to get married. It’s just that it seems harder for you to meet the right person, but hey, Sam met one.
so will you.
Being married is hard work, and lots of compromise. Be careful what you wish for!
You know, Mary Ann, sometimes you make me wonder if maybe you are the normal one, and we are the ones who have not quite realized it yet.
Ever thankful for your insights.
Hey Maryann, i don’t think you remember me, but i kidna introduced myself at the last wcc. I’m one of victor’s friends from ucla dental.
ANyhow….i just wanted to let you know that I feel the same way. What’s normal anyways? I think I have the same struggles as you, and it’s even harder when you have an older sister who is living the “normal” life. I don’t think i want normal though.
Do we want to be normal when we realize how not normal we are?
Or do we want to be not normal when we realize how normal we are?