December 31, 2003

• What Happened with Me in 2003.

  
  

  This year, I took a huge step of faith by following Jesus’ radical commands.  I quit my secure job, trusting that God wanted to take me somewhere.  I was gonna go to China to see what God had for me there.  Upon reflection, I still can’t believe I did that.  I willingly stepped into the utter unknown, because when I told my parents I was quitting my job, I had nothing lined up.  Funny thing, I didn’t end up going to China – and nor did I figure out (as of yet) God’s big assignment for my life.  I somehow got this part-time job with CCC and am still in SD after all these years!  But it has been good.  God knew what I needed.

  
  

  This year, for the first time in my life, I feel beautiful and attractive – and confident.  I’ve never felt that way before.  God has made me beautiful.  I  understand that better than ever before.  It’s so strange.  There has been so much freedom in this.  I’m no longer insecure, no longer hampered by the stigma of being born with a birth defect. 

  
  

  This year, I also learned better and experienced how to be friends with men – and even to talk to them, in general.  I’ve actually found myself thoroughly enjoying conversations with men – and observing too that they are enjoying conversations with me!   Amazing!  No more fear of men.

  
  

  (Interesting that I had breakthroughs about both of those two above topics in 2002, but it wasn’t until this year that they got fleshed out in my reality.)

  
  

  This year, I broke free from an addiction that had held me in bondage for almost all my life.  I defied all odds set against me; I chose to believe and found that it’s true, if the Son has set you free, you are free indeed!  The chains are broken.  There’s no more yo-yo effect. I don’t have to go back to it.

  
  

  This year, I was set free from the umbilical cord.  I became an “adult” to my parents.  I no longer live to please them, to serve them, in fear of them — over my God.  Although that idol had been removed from my heart the previous year, it wasn’t until this yr, that there was true evidence of it.  I made it clear to them that God is my Master, not them, and they understood.  What an amazing moment that was!  And today I continue to live my own life (my dad has ceased to give me pointers on what I should do with my life), and though I’ll always be their daughter, there’s more of a friendship there. My parents know that I love and adore them, and I think that’s what makes the difference.

  
  

  This year, for the first time in my life, I found myself in a place where I could no longer “do” ministry.  I lost my desire and drive to serve.  I had no wisdom or fresh revelation to do so.  I’ve never burned out so completely.   This led to my first sabbatical as well.

  
  

  This year, I moved residences two times and found that I need less stuff, have too many books and love being by myself.

  
  

  This year, I learned how to love being a woman.  I discovered what that means and have found so much fulfillment in living it out.  It’s such a joy to be who God created you to be.

  
  

  This year, I literally ran from God for the first time in my life since coming to know Him.  I felt so much pain, I didn’t know what to do with myself.  The most memorable moment being when I stood in the shower, sobbing and sobbing, tears and water mingling together, hearing the echoes of my own anguish bounce off the walls, getting in the car to run away, and finding in real experience that the coldest and darkest place to be is anywhere without Jesus. 

  
  

  This year, I have begun a new journey in learning what it means to be Vietnamese.  (More on this later.)

  
  

  This year, I opened myself up to the possibility of love, marriage and romance.  It’s not that I hadn’t always been open – but there was always a screen door hindering any real possibilities and desires for it.  In college, God kept saying no, no, no, and even I was led by Him to pray, “Lord, I give you this  year.  No dating for me” for the first 3 yrs.  But even after I had ceased to pray that prayer, there were still no’s.  Post-college was challenging in having to learn what it means to have healthy friendships with men.  I’ve never had that!  The screendoor at that point was in my inability to be friends with guys in a healty way.  Talk about obstacles.  I was so not ready for anything.  Then after all was said and done, I laid “marriage” on the altar of God’s will for my life.  I wanted Him to reign unchallenged in my heart – no other idols beside Him (and truly, “marriage” had become an idol to me).  So I put “marriage” on the altar, stabbed a knife into it and literally walked away.  I welcomed a life of glorious singlehood with Jesus as my #1 Love, ultimate satisfaction with no distraction.  So that’s where I was for almost a whole year, when God prompted me to pray that silly prayer, “Lord, I pray that I be next” – and suddenly, I had welcomed all sorts of possibilities – with no screen door to brace the tidal wave.  No screen door!  Weird.  But this was the year!

  
  

  All in all, it has been a good year.  It’s always good as a child of God.  What’s next, Lord?  Help me live for You in a big way in the coming year.  May 2004 belong to You.  May it only consist of choices which glorify you alone and not myself.   Amen.

  • 7:55 pm
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