It was on Thursday that I was sitting at the end of my baby's hospital bed, watching her sleep in the dim lighting, with the EEG electrode cap on her head.  It had been three weeks since we had observed some things that had brought us to this point.  And as I sat there with possible prognoses as a specter overhead, I thought about how God had asked Abraham to sacrifice his son, and I wondered how the story might have been different if God had asked Sarah instead.  I won't pretend to know what a father's heart is like, but I do know a mother's.  It is not a nearly impossible, but a truly impossible request.  I am quite certain that asking me to put myself on that altar and sacrifice myself would be infinitely easier than the thought of my child being placed in harm's way.  But if God were to ask me to do something similar, what other choice do I have?  I can't fathom following through with such a request, but I knew in that moment that hinneni ("Here I am") is the only option for me.  My desire to hold on tightly to my baby to protect her was being eclipsed by the realization that she belongs to God.  For as intense as my desire might be to shield her from a life full of challenges, there is really nothing I could do to prevent it.  She belongs to God, and if he wanted her to have an illness for her whole life in order to bring him glory, then there's little I can do - nor should I do - to change it.  If his calling for my life is to focus on care for her, then that's his will for me.  A calling is not something I can fight.  It's a privilege.  It's a destiny.  When we fulfill his calling for us, we bring him glory. 

While I sat there with my little baby, waiting as the test was running, and wondering about the result, I prayed over and over again, "She belongs to you, she belongs to you..." as an act of surrender, a declaration, an affirmation, a confession, and a request to help me remember and believe.  I am only given charge over her life to nurture her and help her understand and fulfill her giftings and calling.  She does not belong to me.  She does not belong to me.  This was surely another defining moment in my young career as a mother...

The results came later affirming what we had prayed for all along -- the EEG proved normal.  I guess God has a different calling for the three of us (and I must admit -- as I'm sure Abraham could concur -- how thankful I am for that!). 

When I was younger, I somehow acquired a red box (from I don't remember where) which I designated as the keeper for my awards.  Over the years, I collected all my honor roll awards, perfect attendance awards, good citizenship awards, awards for writing contests, and various certificates for high achievements and placed it in the box.  It was a treasure trove of hard-earned 'striving' and its subsequent recognition. 

One Sunday morning many years ago, as I was teaching Philippians 3 to a class of high school students, I brought the red box to class.  In demonstrating that I really do "consider everything a loss (worthless, rubbish) compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things", I took out a handful of the awards, ripped them up and tossed them on the floor.  I don't know if the act brought about its intended effect (or if it was just overly-dramatic) for the students, but it had its impact on me.  Who knew better than I did what value was placed on those silly pieces of paper?  Before I was a Christian, all my life was bent on earning respect and recognition from people; all my worth was based on how well I could perform.  Being received by Christ meant that I had all the worth in the world and none of those things mattered one tiny bit. 

As I was praying today that God would remind me of how surpassingly great He is compared to everything else in this world, He brought that Sunday school moment to mind.  At that time, I didn't think it was anything more than another one of my teaching illustrations.  But looking back, I realize the symbolic nature of the moment.  In destroying those awards, I had cut myself loose from the strings of this world which had me bound for so long.  It was freeing.  And to this day, I don't have any idea at all what happened to that little red box or the rest of its contents.

Confession:  I haven't "poured myself out for God" for years.  Not since 2003 when I left the Nav ministry in utter and complete, immobilizing exhaustion.  What a sham of a Christian life I have been living all this time and nobody even knew it.  These last few years, I haven't refused to serve God, but I have been the one to carefully pick and choose what I will do for God if it seems good and safe to me.  I've held back from him, had an inability to surrender, because I just haven't trusted Him.  He didn't protect me last time.  And feeling like I can't trust Him has probably been the most painful part for me.

Looking back to the season of my life that started it all, I realize now that I had really high expectations of what I needed to do.  There were a lot of sheep to shepherd, and I felt a personal responsibility to care for them.  It was all motivated by love, but it was also motivated by a desire to control.  Things could have been different if I had asked God to make it different, but I didn't because I wanted to do it all, and I thought I was the only one who could do it.  It was my own fault, not God's.  But I've been running from Him ever since -- and finding that it is far more exhausting to run from Him than with Him in the way He wants me to go.

And these are the lies I've been believing since then:
1.  God will not protect you from exhaustion and pain.
    - He doesn't care about you.
    - He is impotent to help you.
    - You're on your own. 
2.  If you surrender yourself to Him, He will take advantage of you.
3.  If you pour yourself out for God, you will become so exhausted, you will be immobile.
4.  It's not worth it to love other people.  There will not be any reward for it.  You will be tired.
5.  Don't commit yourself to anything because you're just going to get tired anyway or change your mind AND disappoint those people you made a commitment to.

These are the truths I need to embrace:
1.  God will protect me.
    - He loves me.  I can trust Him.
    - He is powerful (able and willing) to save me.  I can trust Him.
    - He is with me and "for" me.  He is not against me.  I am not alone.  I can trust Him.
2.  If I surrender myself to Him, I will experience greater things than I can imagine.  He will lead me to amazing places and He will fill and satisfy me.  Surrender = Satisfaction.
3.  If I pour myself out for God, He will pour Himself out into me.  My cup will always be full to overflowing; I will never be dry.  (Just need to stay under the faucet.)
4.  It is worth it to love people.  This is the only thing in life worth investing in.
5.  I need to commit myself to the thing that God tells me to commit to (and not all the things I think I should), and He will give me the strength, energy and wisdom to invest to the end.

It really all comes down to believing that God loves me.  He loves me, therefore, He is trustworthy.  I can trust Him.  And when I surrender myself to Him, He will not take advantage of me.  Instead, He will take me to places that are beyond what I can fathom.  This is what I need to believe in order to move on beyond the pain.

[Edit:  God has taken me deeper since I posted this entry.  I need to change the first part of Truth #1.  God loving me does not mean that I will never experience pain.  I should never make that correlation.  Sometimes He will not shield me from pain.  But that doesn't mean that He doesn't love me.  This is a hard, hard truth.  But here it is:  God loves me.  Period.  I can trust God.  Period.]

I was journaling one morning about two months after Sam & I started dating, and I was inspired to write this poem.  It's funny because I don't write poems, they just write themselves.  I just happen to be the one holding the pen.  And this one, I'm certain, was inspired by God.  It came true!

taken by surprise (written on Oct 14, 2005)

i had a way of doing things -
i'd read my books and study my Bible
and memorize my verses
and run my mile.

i'd disciple my girls
and love my own lost,
and i'd follow Jesus anywhere (alone)
no matter what the cost.

i was planning for singlehood
for the rest of my life,
never thought i'd change tracks
to be "somebody's" wife.

i had gone to mt. moriah
and offered "marriage" there,
an object that i cherised,
but God said, "you can spare."

the ram that He provided
was "singleness" instead.
"get ready, my darling daughter,
for soon you will be wed!"

what shock and surprise
and utter amazement,
i'm standing in awe
with no abatement.

God took me by surprise -
i'm scrambling to adjust
to receive what He has given
and live a new way of trust.

now i must plan for something different?
now i must change the i's to we's?
now marriage & missions are together?
how in the world can this be?

i'm falling for him,
this man of the Word.
how we fit together -
oh, Lord, You heard!

oh heart's desires
and whispered dreams -
how lofty and ideal
and impossible it seemed.

but You are God Almighty
and Father of all.
Your greatest desire is
to withhold nothing at all!

oh Love supreme,
there's none better but You.
i know it better now
and give my life to worship You!

I don't think God was playing favorites when he looked on Abel's fat portions more favorably than on Cain's crop offerings.  God was not playing favorites!  But He knows what we don't know as we read about this event centuries later.  God knows Cain's heart!  Cain brought God the offering that was required, but he did not bring God his heart. 

Ever done that?  I know I have.  The scenario goes something like this:  Hrmm...I probably cherish this (whether it be a relationship or desire/dream or material object) more than I should and I probably cherish it more than God, so I should give it to Him.  Oh, but it's so good.  I love this thing.  All right, all right, I'll give it to God.  (So I do.)  Oh no, why did I have to give it up?  It was so great.  Why does God make me give up something good?  Doesn't He care about me?

To actually bring God your heart would require a full-out recognition that God is the best.  It's similar to when you have two options.  To choose one of the options is to say that you think that option is the best choice of the two. 

Here you have two options: 
1. Cherished Object
2. God 

So when you give something to God, it's not that you end up with empty hands and have nothing.  No.  What you are doing in giving up that thing is choosing God instead.  You are saying, "God is the best option here."  So what you have in your hands is God. 

When you believe that in faith ("in faith" because it looks like you have nothing but empty hands), then you have at last brought God both the offering He requires and your heart.  And your heart, by the way, is actually what He wanted all along.  Not the offering.

Excerpts from my Heart

I've been told a few times that I seem to write a lot about relationships.  I confess:  I do!  I do it because it's far easier to write those brief thoughts and have it make sense without having to explain everything than to tell you what I'm really thinking about - because what I'm really thinking about requires a lot of explanation.  Today, I've decided to give you a glimpse into what really occupies my mind.  True excerpts from my secret journal. 

Mar 13 - I've always wondered if it's true that God could satisfy all our desires with "good things" (Ps 103).  What about physical?  How does God "satisfy" sexual desire?  Then I realized today that it must be that the satisfaction of the soul and spirit is so fulfilling that it leaves physical longings in the dust.  God's love, reality and presence satisfies your soul & spirit so well, your body is not left in want. 

Mar 14 - I don't know what the "best thing" I could do for you, Lord.  It's a mystery.  I pray that you would lead me to that place and that I don't cling to my lesser dreams.

Mar 19 - What if God didn't give me this internship after all, then what?  My first thought for Plan B was to find a job with a comfortable salary.  My flesh longs for security so badly.  It seems so much easier to make lotsa money and offer it to missionaries and stay here and live comfortably ... I remember when I could pick up the tab for dinner.  That was nice.  If I must keep waiting (and not have some sort of assignment), can't I have that life?
    It seems like God is saying no.  That life is not meant for me.  (Oh, the battles of the flesh - the temptation of materialism and the false security that this world offers!)  -- I must remember that it is false security.  Satan uses this false security to lull and lure even the most fervent professing believer.  And that could easily be me!  I could be distracted straight out of missions and then out of the Kingdom in no time.  Forget bringing Jesus' love to others; I would've forgotten it too. Scary!  True security comes from Jesus, not a job!
    ...Plan B. There is no Plan B!  Plan B is God.
    But the point of this whole anguish of soul, I realize now, is that Plan A should also be God.  My hope - not in this internship, but God.

Mar 22 - My heart & my hope & my mind has been fixed on such temporal, horizontal things.  It is a foolish way to live.  Oh Lord, I pray that you break me of the habit of fixing myself on things that won't last forever - not on the next plan, the next place or the next person - and not even on the next purpose.  May it be on you, instead.  Oh Lord, help me to hang my heart and hope upon You alone Jesus.  May you have my rapt attention.  May my heart be wrapped around You.  You must be the prize I pursue, the goal I run after, the treasure I seek.  Otherwise, this journey becomes an insipid waste.

Is this really my life?  ... It seems so surreal - like I should wake up any moment now and all these things were just a figment of my imagination.  And of all the things that God is teaching me, it is that I can't put my hope in anything but Him.  He's really ramming that message in my head.  Anything could happen tomorrow.  Nothing is a sure thing.  Life is full of surprises.

Mar 24 - At the end of the day - though there was no struggle or battle, I still find myself facing an altar (namely, a pile of rocks) - so the question always stares me in the face - will I offer or will I not?  Everything I want and I think I want or even only half want gets placed on the altar.  It's material for sacrifice.

Mar 25 - Is it really my turn now to pick up and leave?  I'll really get to go to China this year?  All these yrs I said that I wanted to follow You anywhere and I said I'd leave things behind - fam, frenz & field - and I thought it'd be so hard a sacrifice...and now could it be that it's time?  Now that it's time, it's not so hard.  It's not so terrible when compared to the incredible privilege of being able to leave it behind for You.  I get to leave stuff behind for You?!  You count me worthy, Lord?  I'm one of your chosen ones?  Oh Lord, I can't believe it.

Mar 26 - I had all this longing to watch Pride & Prejudice, but alas, I barely got through the first disc before I had to stop it.  It was too difficult to watch when I was battling the question - would I even have my own love story?  I couldn't watch while I feared that the answer was no.  Darcy says to Eliz, "I must tell you how much I ardently admire & love you."  The longing of my vulnerable heart is to be wooed in such a way.

Mar 28 - Sometimes when I'm just standing there thinking, my mind flashes back to some sort of memory that fills me with warmth. I realize that it is simply an ache or longing for a place called "home."  My mind just naturally defaults to a place of love, hope and happiness, of safety & comfort.  My heart is searching for a place called home - only it can't find it really - b/c all the places it reaches for are places that no longer exist.  I can't go back "home."  I'm a permanent sojourner as long as I am on earth.  Everything is transitory.
    If I'm going to be a missionary, I really must learn to make my home in Christ.  Jesus will never leave me nor forsake me.  He must be "home" to me.  He must be my restingplace, my safety, my happy thought, my cherished love divine.

Mar 29 - Mark 4:35-41 - In the storm, Jesus is in the boat with me.  He's in control.  I guess the disciples panicked b/c they thought Jesus wasn't aware of the problem. I mean Jesus wasn't doing anything at all.  I guess they thought they needed to make Him aware.  So relevant!  How often in the silence of waiting do I think that God doesn't "know" what's going on?  But He knows.  I have no need to fear.  He will keep me safe.  He is Master over even the wind and waves.  Why not trust?

Mar 31 - I never thought the cross (at Mt. Soledad) meant anything to me - but I guess it does.  It's existence has been a significant spiritual landmark.  But it's just another marker in my life - and now it's removal is serving as a significant marker as well.  How strange.  Stop being so sentimental, Mary Ann!  It's time to move on.
    Sometimes I feel like I could so easily burn all the bridges behind me - and in my excitement & enthusiasm, I pro'ly would (but then afterwards weep over the ashes & the fact that I can't go back, so now it's too late and time to move forward).  But then sometimes my feet feel as heavy as lead, and I simply can't move from where I am.  It must be Christ's love that compels me, b/c nothing else would be powerful enough impetus to move me forward and leave everything behind.

Apr 1 - His words are comfort to me, "Take courage!  It is I.  Don't be afraid" (Mrk 6:50).  He is saying, "It is I AM" - I AM God, don't be afraid.  In between the lines, I think God is whispering to me to just sit back and simply wait.  Don't do anything.  Don't worry.  Don't be confused.  Just wait.

There is joy to sacrifice.  You come to recognize that joy when you stop looking at the ashes but to the One you have chosen to make that offering to.  It's a choice that He gives you and a choice that you made, so there is joy in that choice.

Anywhere.

I have this certain, sure, strong conviction and call - not to "do" missions, but to help others to Jesus, coupled with an adventuresome spirit and a heart that trusts God for anything...

I will be a globetrotter for You, Lord.  I'll walk that second mile, third and fourth.  I'll leave all my belongings behind.  I won't invest in this world.  I won't kick off my shoes and settle down.  I won't grow roots anywhere - but in, You, Lord.  I'll go anywhere, Lord, anywhere - as long as I get to be with You.

The cross is before me, the world is behind me, and there is nothing in between.  Nothing to obstruct and no one to stand in the way.  There are no other loves before me that exceed my love for You.  There's nothing I desire besides You.  God, I can go anywhere with You!  Not even the sky's the limit.  And greater still is always Your love, which is limitless.

I have no ties.  I'm free to go.  No sibling I must take care of.  No parents who have me on a leash.  No husband or children to be concerned of.  No boyfriend who's asking me to stay.  Not even a dog or goldfish to worry or care for.  No furniture or belonging that I would flinch to leave behind.  No debt I couldn't pay off with a flip of the dime.  What freedom!!  I really can say, "Lord, anywhere" and mean it... 

And this, my friends, you who have been wondering... is the reason why excitement fills my heart to overflowing.

Whispered Prayers

Oh, Papa, this is not the world I dreamed up... but what You've given me is so much better.

I've laid all my plans and dreams on the altar and set fire to it, but now I don't remember what they were because THIS is so much better!  The offering up really meant empty hands that You could fill.

You treat me with so much love it's like I'm Your only child!

Papa, what other way can I respond but to look up at You with my adoring eyes?  You are my Papa, my Abba Father, my Daddy, and I love You.