A new reality show called "Dating in the Dark" aims to determine whether people can make connections without physical appearance as a factor.   The show makes me wonder about the importance of the physical and reminded me of the conflict I felt when I was a single.

This conflict could be epitomized by the advice given to me by my well-meaning aunt during my single days, "You have to dress (more) sexy in order to catch a man."  I remember feeling really shocked when I heard her say it.  As I looked myself in the mirror, I knew that by the world's standards, I was not exactly the prettiest girl on the block.  Therefore, I must admit that there were certainly many moments back then when I put on the make-up, fixed up my hair and chose certain kinds of clothes which I thought might make me more appealing to men -- with the sole purpose of appearing more attractive to them. 

There came a point, however, when I became more secure that I didn't have to dress more sexy in order to catch a man.  Because while the world looks at the physical appearance, God looks at the heart (1 Sam 16:7).  And anyone who is in Christ should no longer consider others from a worldly point of view, but, instead, in the way that God looks at us (2 Cor 5:16).  The conflict continued to plague me, however, even with these biblical truths -- because the message that continued to blare at me was that though Christian men were supposed to embody these principles, they were still men who responded to what they saw visually.  So what's a girl to do?

With Jesus as my guide, I eventually came to a series of realizations, including, "Just because someone is uninterested in you, it doesn't make you uninteresting" (See this entry).  I realized that, "It's not about how beautiful you may appear to be but how beautiful you truly are" (See this entry).  I also realized the importance of just following God and being in the right place at the right time doing the right thing (See this entry).  And ultimately, I realized too that, "I can’t be spending all my single days altering myself for their sake.  For if some guy becomes attracted to the alteration of myself, will he be disappointed when my true self resurfaces?"  (See entry on Alluring Femininity).

This past weekend, out of the blue, Sam said to me, "I'm glad you don't wear makeup."  It was a comment that was out-of-the-blue, but it spoke right to this old issue that I had long forgotten about.  I danced inwardly with glee as I realized how thankful I am that God brought me through that journey of having confidence in my identity in Christ.  If I had not and had tried to allure him with things that are not truly "me", I may have never known the freedom of being fully loved just for who I am.  He loves me for me, without those supposedly alluring feminine accouterments, and he thinks I'm beautiful.  Hallelujah! 

And so perhaps it may actually be possible to 'date in the dark' and, in a way, be blind to looks if one has both feet in the Kingdom, only measuring others by His standard of grace and beauty...and waits for another who is doing just the same.  What do you think?

Our Story, cont.

When we last left off here, I had asked, "Is Sam really the one you have for me, Lord?"

Settling

It’s amazing how ready God is to answer our questions and address our fears – even the ones that we don’t know that we have.  More imminent than finding out whether Sam was the one or not was my need to make the shift in mindset from “single missionary” to “married missionary”.  And that was what God wanted to tackle first.

In the last few years prior to meeting Sam, I had become convinced that marriage and missions were mutually exclusive for me.  It had been a long journey of putting on the altar of sacrifice that which I desired most -- “marriage”.  Growing up, I had always dreamed longingly of a whirlwind romance, and after I had become a Christian, romance was superceded by ideals of a dynamic partnership of being “better together for God than apart.”  But even so, if it really had to come down to it, I would choose missions over marriage any day – a conclusion that was tested half a dozen times.  Over and over again, I had to consider whether I really was called to be a missionary – because if not, then I could date and marry Billy, Joe, Bob… 

Which I almost did.  And that would’ve been settling.  Settling doesn’t mean ending up with a loser.  You could end up with a good Christian who was a leader in a church but still be settling.  You settle any time you choose the path that God hasn’t made for you.  But sometimes it’s easier to choose the good that is right in front of you than the “best” which you can’t see, taste or touch.  It requires faith of the truest kind to be so certain of what we do not see that we would disengage from what we’ve wrapped our arms around and then wrap it around God alone. 

I had done this very thing the previous fall -- which left me resigned to believing that I had given up marriage for good.  If this great Christian guy whom I had been dating did not have the same dreams and passions that God was calling me to, then how in the world could it be possible that there would be anyone like me in the world at all?  It seemed like a lost cause.

And though I had chosen well, I quickly became bitter.  God, why can’t I have both missions and marriage?  My heart ached and ached. 

“It wasn’t for nothing, Mary Ann.  Whenever you let go of the good that you hold onto, you don’t end up with nothing.  You end up with Me.”  I think it was then at the beginning of 2005 when I really understood this that my life began to take a different turn.  Because I had God, I had everything.  Truly, I had everything!   

Soon after, I read the story of how God brought Rebekah and Isaac together.  While reading, I felt God’s breath giving life to the words, speaking directly to my heart.  “Oh, could it be?” (A twinge of hope was rising.)  But then, “That’s impossible.”  (Seemed too sweet a promise to be mine.)  But when I read it, it felt almost like God was giving me a promise.  So why not?  Why not pray for a husband?  God desires for us to live in hope, not in resignation.

So I prayed that God would make me the woman He wanted me to be, to be in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing, “right with God”, so that I might be the answer to someone else’s prayer.  (Just like Rebekah was.)  That was it.  That was all I needed to do:  be right with God, living and breathing at the center of His will, and His blessings and favor would pour out.  I knew that praying that kind of prayer and living that kind of life was the only place of joy. 

And God answered.  He put me in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing – and it brought me so much joy.  And it was in the midst of all this joyful walking on air that God brought Sam into my line of sight. 

For more of our story, click here.

Gen 24.  What strikes me about Rebekah's story is that what made the servant realize that she's the person he was looking for was not that she did anything unusual or out of the ordinary.  In offering to water the servant's camels, she was probably just doing what she would normally and naturally do.  She didn't do it expecting a payback.  Her actions stemmed from her character.  Her mind was set on doing the right thing. 

From my reflections on this passage, I've been asking, "Lord, I pray that I could be in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing," because this passage is about being Christlike.  If my pursuit is always to be like Christ and to do what Christ wants me to do, then I'll always have God's favor on me.  How wonderful to be in the right place at the right time doing the right thing -- you can be someone's answered prayer!!  And it's interesting because it's something I can only ask and pray for but not anything I can actually "plan" or arrange.  Only God knows where the right place and time is and what I should be doing.  Only God knows, so I need to continually be asking and listening for God's direction in my life.  I want to always be someone's answered prayer.

gen 24 is the story of how rebekah ended up hooking up with isaac.  when i read the chapter the other night, i felt God's breath giving life to the words, speaking directly to my heart.  "oh, could it be?"  (hopeful) and then, "that's impossible" (doubtful).  when i read it, i felt almost that God was giving me permission to hope.  yes, why not?  why not pray for a husband?  God desires for me to live in hope, not in resignation...

i prayed that God would make me the woman He wanted me to be, to be in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing, "right with God", so that I could be the answer to someone's prayer.  (just like rebekah was!)  and i prayed that God would give me a man of faith, like this servant, a man who asks very specifically and believes on God so that he would know that it's God answering.  i prayed that he would be someone who bows and worships God, just like this servant (v. 26 & 52).  and then i prayed that i could have faith like rebekah - to be ready to just "go" - even to the unknown and the unfamiliar, even to a place i've never thought of before (and you know how hard that actually is for me!)...    

oh Lord, how much so do i just need to be right with You -- in sync with You -- O Lord.  make me the woman of God" You created me to be.  i know that is the only place of Joy.

My reflections of this morning...

I'm a virgin
and I'm unwed.
No one else has shared my bed.

I've been spared
of the kind of pain
of a man who "loves" me in a way that's feigned.

No regrets
no guilt or shame.
My innocence is still the same.

I've saved myself
for a commitment "for life"
to the man who takes me as his wife.

I'll be a gift
with a wedding ring
to the one who has offered his everything.

What freedom then
and reason to rejoice
that I'm giving myself to God's own choice.

No baggage there,
just ecstasy,
as (for the first time) I give all of me.

I'm a virgin
and I'm not "late."
I'm simply choosing just to wait.

Mary Ann Nguyen

[Private journal entry from May 9, 2003]

 While shopping today, I found myself shirking off girlishness as the world has deemed it.  Something in me rebels and is repulsed by the provocative adornments that are proffered to women today.  I just don’t want to be that kind of woman.  I embrace my femininity but I do not want to do it the way the world dictates.  Embracing femininity by the world’s standards, seems to me to be like exploiting my femininity.  As much as I might want to be alluring to men, I don’t want to do it at the expense of displeasing God.  I despise the subliminal message that is being sold along with the product.

            I know most men appreciate women who are armed with what they would define as femininity.  To some men, that might mean wearing or choosing certain feminine clothes or accessories that I don’t routinely choose.  Sometimes I wish I could embody the kind of femininity that would conform to the sense of womanhood that most men uphold.  I find myself wanting to be someone I am not in order to be attractive to them.  And I wish and I want, but I can’t spend all my single days altering myself for their sake.  For if some guy becomes attracted to the alteration of myself, will he be disappointed when my true self surfaces?  Have I not deceived him?  Will I be insecure later on down the line and wonder if he truly loves me for me or for the person that I created myself to be – the one that I think that he would love?  Will I end up the loser in the long run? 

It’s just not worth it.  I am only feminine to the certain extent that God has made me to be, and it’s okay to be just that.  I can’t go around beating myself up for not being good enough – not meeting the supposed standard of a man who’s opinions I might respect.  Let me be the woman God wants me to be, and let that be all.  I want him to choose the me that I am and not the me that I am not.  If he does not choose, then I have not lost the better that God has for me.

Just because someone is uninterested in you, it doesn't make you "uninteresting."  Just because someone rejects you, it doesn't make you a "reject" (a loser).  Just because someone doesn't accept you, it doesn't make you "unacceptable" (i.e. invalid).

A few months ago, I had this breakthrough.  I always thought that if someone decided that they were not interested in me, that makes me uninteresting and in the worse case, a reject.  But then I realized that if a guy was not interested in me, it doesn't make me uninteresting.  It just means that it's not the right guy and/or it's not the right time.  Meaning... God is doing some wonderful protecting.  Ah.  Now that was a new revelation!

I concluded this morning that waiting is not so bad.  It's not so difficult when I know that if I wait, I will get the best.  If I rush it, I get a mess. 

For example, waiting for the bus to arrive and getting across town in it is better and much more efficient than being impatient because the bus hasn't come yet and taking off in a run.  Running across town might make me feel in control, but it's pretty stupid when compared to the easy ride I could've had if I had just waited a little longer.

Waiting for food to finish cooking is also highly recommended.  Cramming food down my throat after it's only been cooking for 5 minutes when it needs to cook for 30 minutes is pretty stupid.  I might be super-hungry and dying for food, but eating the raw stuff is nasty!  Not filling!  But if I wait til the proper time, the cooked food is delicious and satisfying. 

In the same way, waiting for the man God has created for me comes highly recommended.  If I try to take off in a run, it'll result in so much more complications - sweatyness, exhaustion, mental planning and plotting that can cause me a headache... ick. -- when I could've just taken the easier and more comfortable ride if I would but wait.  Yes, I need to wait for God to initiate.  There's no need to think of ways to hint or prompt and escalate a relationship, because then I'd be hastening something that isn't ready to be disclosed.  Why would I want to take a huge raw and nasty bite into something bloody and uncooked?  Not only would it not be filling, it would make me sick!  But if I wait til the proper time, it's going to be delicious.  Waiting is good when God tells you to wait.

reasons why i love being single:

1. i'm super-satisfied with God.  He makes my heart sing.  and i guess i've realized that i don't really *need* anything else in addition to Him.

2. i'm lovin' the thrill of adventure with Him.  i could just go anywhere, anywhere He wants me to.

3.  i love the freedom of serving Him, unattached.  relationships are time-consuming.  of course, they're lovely and wonderful, and if the timing is right and the person is right, then it can propel you into an awesome God-glorifying relationship... but it's still time-consuming.

this doesn't mean i don't want to be in a relationship, but... i'm just happy about this "portion and cup" that he has assigned to me today.    

but maybe tomorrow...??