After our first foster parenting class tonight, the reality set in that the goal of fostering is reunification of the child with the parents.  If the parent fulfills certain requirements set by the court, the child will be reunified with their parent -- whether or not we feel that it's the best home for the child. 

Knowing this, I find my heart crying out to God for the strength to walk so willingly into heartbreak -- for surely, to become a foster parent means that my heart will be broken a million times over through the process.  I would only be deceiving myself if I think I can walk away untouched, unscathed and dry-eyed.  For being one who seeks so much to guard my heart from unnecessary pains and nuisances, this certainly will turn my world upside down.  How long has it been since I have built a tiny retaining wall around my heart?  I am so afraid of putting myself in positions of vulnerability that will result in a bleeding heart -- am I now to run headlong right into it?  I have been running a hundred miles per hour in the opposite direction for who knows how long.  And now I have to ask why do I run so fast away from pain?  To truly hurt means that I have truly loved.  It's the heart that has not loved that remains untouched - and that would place me nowhere near the heart of God.

And as I think about it all, I find myself crying out to God to help me trust Him -- to trust that when we have to give up a baby, He will take care of the baby ever after.  I know He will, but it's easier to say it than live it.  About a million miles of toil stand between these words and their corresponding reality.

I find myself thinking that it would be far, far easier to take the traditional route and just have biological children! 

But there are 7,000 kids in the foster system in SD while there are only 1,400 foster families.  God will not let us stand on the sidelines and do nothing.  He didn't call us to be benchwarmers.  His love for orphans echo through the pages of Scripture, and we can't deny it.  Taking care of them is His idea of "true religion".  And having already been led 20 miles down this direction, there's just no turning back.  How can I see and know and understand without acting?  That would just be pure hypocrisy.

Yes, (I'm coming to grips that) my heart is going to break a thousand times before it's over.  (And so I confess that) I need God so desperately in this.  Can't do it without Him!  Deathly afraid of heartbreak am I.  But, oh, how much better to be heartbroken, intimately involved, and praying than to be walking around blindly pretending that these injustices don't exist.  How far - so very far - I'd be from the heart of God.

As Sam and I approach parenthood (see Sam's post from today), we've been thinking a lot about how we want things to look like.  One thing I realize is that my list is mostly based on things I really loved about my childhood or appreciate as I look back or based on things that I wish it had been more like...  I think we all have these lists.  What's one or two things on your list -- please share with me something that I could add to my ever-growing list.

Things I loved from my childhood that I'd like to do the same:
- Go to the park on weekends - ride bike, play different sports together as a family
- Play boardgames together
- Eat dinner together as a family every night and have a "no tv during dinner" rule
- Have the "always volunteer and pitch in where needed" rule for chores for the kids (but differ in that "Dad" won't be the exception to the rule in our house)
- "Less is more" with toys (less toys means more room for creativity and imagination)
- No fear of lack of food or shelter or that "Mom & Dad" will take care of things
- Take kids to the library and let them check out as many books as they want

Things I'd do differently:
- More affirmation
- More affection - hugs and kisses and "I love you"s
- Open conversation and communication, dialogue and discussion (kids have a say and their opinions will be valued and considered)
- Children are allowed to run around and laugh, have lotsa fun and even be loud sometimes
- Parents will say sorry to kids and admit when they are wrong
- Friends will be welcomed to come over -- and not have to feel like intruders
- Kids will be encouraged to explore every gift or talent (music, art, writing, sports) while they are younger and to dream big dreams of all they might do to follow God and honor what gifts He's given them as they grow older and mature into the men and women of God He created them to be
- Christ will be the center of our home and Lord of our lives (not money, safety, security, material things nor traditionalism, culture or 'what others might think of us')

[Edit]  I just found this list from June 9, 2000 called "Notes for Future Family"
- No TV, arrange sofas to face each other to promote conversation
- Build relationships with children's teachers, know schcool activities, be involved
- Go to my kids' games and plays
- Put notes in their school lunches
- Let them do what they dream of (music, dance, etc)
- Share my stories with them (past failures, mistakes, "crushes", everything)
- Keep house open to all friends
- Read to them; take them to the library
- Reaffirm them after disciplining them
- Say sorry
- Be supportive; give good reasons and explanations (don't just say "because I said so")
- Be consistent
- Give them room to fail
- Make hot drinks for my kids' friends on cold days -- even when they're 22!

This past weekend, I ran into Pastor Lam (senior pastor at Chinese Bible Church) who told me, "I was just thinking about you yesterday."  It's kinda amazing that the senior pastor of such an enormous church would be thinking about me -- but when I talk to him, the personal interaction we have makes me feel as though CBC is still a tiny little church. 

I always love running into Pastor Lam.  He really cares about me and it shows.  He's known me since I was a senior in high school, remembers when I would spend hours in the church library studying the Bible and come over and bother him with my millions of questions, has given me great advice on how to love my parents, has even talked to me about 'boys' in my single days and has supported me 100% in my call to being a missionary.

I told him about our decision to become foster parents -- and to no surprise -- he was very supportive.  He also asked whether we would choose to adopt.  I said, "yes probably."  He asked if we would have biological children, and I said, "yes probably."  "But you would adopt first?" he asked.  I said, "Yes, we want to do it this way so our adopted child would know that it wasn't an afterthought but that we are really choosing him/her."  At which point, he began to share with me that he had just preached a sermon about adoption -- how God has adopted us and how it was His choice and that there was nothing we could've done to make God choose us.  And I just nodded in agreement, happily, knowing that we were on the same page about the incredible Christ-like love that is demonstrated when adoption takes place.

Speaking of sharing the news, it's been fun in the last few weeks telling friends about becoming foster parents.  We've been amazed at how much support and enthusiasm we have met with and how many people we have found who were either adopted, fostered or knew someone who fostered -- and all of these people have shared good experiences.  Sam's coworkers have intentionally stopped by his cubicle just to ask him about fostering again and again.  They have all shown excitement, interest and given us much encouragement.  As a result, I can't help but think about how tangible we are making the love of Christ to them.  Now his coworkers will have a clear example of what God's love is like:  He takes in the lonely and adopts them as family.  As Christ-followers who are following in His footsteps, we are able to point people in His direction.  And because we are able to point people to Him, we are affirmed that we are following God's will. 

Verse of the day -
"Through the praise of children and infants
       you have established a stronghold against your enemies,
       to silence the foe and the avenger."  Ps 8

Somehow God uses children to silence those who are not totally with Him.  Isn't that interesting?  It seems strange that a baby would have such power... and if I had never looked into the beautiful eyes of a baby before, I would have my doubts about this verse.  But babies do cause hearts to melt.

We had a pretty rough week last week because we made the big announcement to our family about fostering and were not exactly met with enthusiasms all around.  Though the ones who were enthusiastic were so incredibly enthusiastic, the ones who were not... were definitely not.  We were not at all surprised by the response -- but the reality of the rejection that we faced was so terribly disappointing.  It pretty much breaks our hearts and I am without adequate words to describe the amount of angst and wrestling conversation that has transpired between Sam and myself.   We are mostly sad that they will miss out.  We are not sure what the real issue is (beyond all the worse-worse case scenarios that they posed) except that perhaps the foreign concept of inviting others into our home really
challenges their core value of what ‘the family’ is.  We are breaking
up their idea of family.  But we are hoping that, in the end, they will
see that rather than breaking down the family, we are, in fact, enlarging it (by inviting 'strangers' in).  Perhaps the praise of infants and children will melt their hearts.

In the meantime, I wanted to share more about the WHYs we are doing this.  Though we have not started the 8-week course, in which we will learn a whole lot more, we have been doing a lot of research, so this is what we know thusfar.

At any given time in San Diego, there are over 6,000 children in
foster care who do not have parents to love them and teach them what is
right.  Without families, it would be unlikely that they will grow up to be helpful to our
society but, more likely, harmful.  If they have families, on the other hand, they could grow up to be contributors to society.

Studies show that without a consistent caregiver during the critical
period of infancy to 2 years, a baby will not be able to develop proper
attachment.  Their brains will not physically develop as it normally
should and will not be able to after this time period has passed.  This
means that they may not be able to relate with people in a healthy way --
they may not be able to have compassion on others and so would not feel
bad about hurting someone.  So, really, there is such a necessity to love the baby and bond with them by a consistent caregiver (i.e. foster parents).

The babies that might be placed in our home may have some minor developmental delays due to the abuse they may have experienced like being kept in a playpen all the time, so they may not crawl at the usual age, but they are very resilient at this young age and will catch up very quickly.  Since these babies are so young, they will not have much cognitive memory of any negative events they may have experienced so are unlikely to have any emotional issues.  And, furthermore, as they are placed in the loving and nurturing environment of a foster family, they will receive any emotional healing that they need.  Our agency has followed-up on babies that they have placed into homes who are now older, and they are doing well -- well-adjusted like other kids. (Isn't that exciting?)

As we have shared this news with friends, we have received a wide range of responses.  Mostly, good and very supportive - but for those who don't know much about it, there are lotsa questions.  We want to answer questions and help educate people and perhaps even inspire others to do the same!   

One question that I get often is the matter of whether or not we are going to get 'real children' of 'our own'.  This question could probably be better formed differently because the opposite of real children is fake children, and I sure hope that adopted children are not fake (seen or treated as fake or second-class).  Any kids who come into our home will be 'our own' kids, and we will treat them as if they are our flesh and blood.  We will treat them as the 'real kids' that they are.  So to answer the question...at this point, we are not sure how long we will foster for, we are not sure if we will adopt, we are not sure if we will have biological kids and when.  We are just following God one step at a time, one day at a time... 

If you have any questions about what this fostering thing is about, please ask!  We'll try to find the answer for you if we don't know it.

We celebrated Valentine's yesterday because we were busy with seminary studies on Thursday.  Sam brought some special food home and decorated the table with candy-hearts, candlelight and chardonnay.  After dinner, he played some love songs that he had picked out just for us, and he asked me to dance.  So we danced and danced, just the two of us... and enjoyed ourselves in our very last Valentine with just the two of us.

They say that when you have a lot of love, the natural thing is to want to share that love. 

And so after much talking and praying and hashing things over, Sam and I are going to become foster parents.

What does it mean for us to be foster parents?
The foster
care agency that we have our eye on specializes
in babies from infants to 3 year olds, who have been taken from their
parents because the parents could not care for the baby (neglect, abuse or
abandonment, etc).  The babies, therefore, need to be put in foster
families as the courts give the parents time to become more responsible
individuals.  If the babies don't go to a foster family, they stay at the Polinsky Children's Center, where they will not have
a consistent caregiver.  So for us to be "foster parents", this means
that we will have one baby (at a time) that we will take care of until the courts
are able to decide what is best for the child.  The goal is for the
baby to be reunified back with his/her mom/dad if the parent has taken positive
steps (get a job, become sober, etc).

What do we have to do to get prepared?
We have to become "licensed" in
order to be foster parents.  This process will take a few months,
because we need to take an 8-week course on foster parenting, become CPR
certified, do lots of paperwork, etc 

So why do we want to do this?
It will give us an
opportunity to contribute to a baby's life, give them love and
structure -- and hopefully, give them the foundation for a better life
in the future. 

If the courts decide that the parent of the child or a biological
family member is suitable for taking care of the baby (because they taken the positive steps so that they can be reunified), then we will
relinquish the baby to the biological family (and entrust him/her into God's hands).  If the courts decide that none of the biological
family is fit for raising the child, then the child will be up for
adoption.  In this case, there is a possibility that we will consider adopting the child.

In conclusion...
So the exciting news is that if the Lord continues to lead us as He has been, sometime
this summerish, we will probably have a foster baby!  We are both really
excited about all this.  We
continue to talk and pray about all the different things that may come
up, all the difficulties and challenges that we may face, and the more
we talk and pray, the more we know that this is what we want to and must do.  We believe our lives will be wonderfully changed from this
experience -- and anyone else's too who would like to be a part of our lives as we take this journey.