On this Mother's Day, I am thinking about our little foster daughter, wondering where she is and what she is learning right now, and wishing that she was still in our care.  I'm thankful that God is her perfect Parent who can love her perfectly and transformatively.  I am praying that she would know his perfect love for her and that he would transform any ashes in her life into beauty.  I miss you, my little girl. 

Some decisions you make impact you for the rest of your life.  That's how it feels about our decision to foster two years ago.  We only had our foster daughter for three months, and yet it somehow seems like she was in our lives for so much longer.  I don't know why that is, but our lives were changed forever by our time caring for her.  I still think of her as my first baby, my firstborn.  I can't even imagine not having done it, not having gotten to love and care for her (and the joy of having her learning to love us back!).  Choosing to foster really was one of the best decisions we ever made.  So often, I think of her and miss her with a mother's longing.

Our little foster baby turned two last month.  TWO!  It's hard for me to imagine that the little, tiny baby who was only crawling when she came to us is two years old.  As I have been parenting our little (biological) baby, I often reflect back to the time when we fostered.  I am kinda amazed, actually, when I think that we actually decided to foster.  I half think to myself, "What the heck were we thinking??" because parenting is such hard work.  If I knew then what I know now, I'm not sure I would sign up to foster.  But the reality is that even though we only fostered both the baby girl and the baby boy for a very short amount of time, it really felt like a lifetime (at least, for the little girl), and I will always think of them as our children.  I know that no one else considers this to be true, but I will always think of that little girl as my first baby, and there's a part of my heart that will always be hers.  Happy birthday, little one!  May God continue to watch over you wherever you go.

Our little baby is coming soon -- very, very soon -- and we are super excited to be parents again.  Again.  Although this will be our first time as biological parents, it won't be our first time as parents.  It feels a little different this time around.  The anticipation of our biological baby is visible with my growing belly, with all the doctor's visits, with physical changes in my body, the ultrasounds and the universal excitement from all.  The anticipation of our foster baby was less visible - no bodily changes, no ultrasounds and mixed feelings from everyone around us.  Expecting a biological baby has been quite an experience.  There really is something so incredible and amazing about God developing a little life inside of me and the bonding I've already gotten to experience with this little baby.  But expecting a foster baby was also quite the experience as well.  It is no less wonderful and no less special to have an adopted/foster baby.  Having been down both roads, I wanted to set the record straight.  Some people foster/adopt because they are unable to have biological children.  Some people foster/adopt because they have been given that unique ability to love the orphans which God so often speaks of.  Both find, in the adoptive experience, the wonder, the beauty, and the joy in giving love in the way that the Father does.  There is nothing on earth that can replace doing as He does, imitating His character, being obedient to His will, embodying His love, and identifying with His heart. 

We absolutely love, love, love our coming biological baby!  But we also absolutely love, love, love the little foster baby that God gave us a year ago, and we will absolutely love, love, love the future foster/adopted babies that He will give to us.

Without flipping through the pages of my journal, I believe 2008 could probably be very easily summed up with one word:  fostering.  Most of the year was spent thinking/praying about the possibility of it, preparing for it, doing it and then letting go.  Looking back, I'm so amazed to think that it was really something we did.  Were we really given that incredible responsibility of taking care of a little helpless human being?  It seems so immense when I think about it now, I am surprised we weren't scared out of our minds that we'd mess things up - or mess her up.  After all, we had never been parents before - plus, dealing with all the legal procedures - things completely unknown to us before.  But I guess the truth is that when we are busy just focusing on God and following the very next step that He shows us, we just don't have time to worry or fear.  Looking back, I don't remember being afraid at all.  We were more concerned about wanting our families to embrace our foster child than afraid that we wouldn't have the strength, skill or wisdom to parent.  We were so 100% sure of God's leading in this decision that we had no doubt that He would be right there beside us to show us the way.  Fearlessness can come from faith.  Fostering turned out to be one of the most rewarding experiences of my life -- if not the most.  I'll never forget our dear little foster daughter nor all the ways she grew under our care and all the ways we grew too. 

Tonight we watched several videos we took of her while she was with us.  It was fun to watch and sweet to remember her.  She will always be our first little baby.  What a special time for us.

Here's a picture of her during bathtime.
 

Other remarkable events of 2008 include my finishing a year of New Testament Greek in the Spring and beginning Biblical Hebrew in the fall.  And finally being led to a church that we love - a church that we agree with theologically as well as in practice - a church that we're proud to be a part of.

Goals for 2009 - getting back to basking in God's presence daily - through reading Scripture and prayer, finding our niche at our church and when the time comes, learning how to be parents all over again.

There are fewer things in life that make you fall face down in humility as quickly as parenting.  As many books as you might read, as many kids as you might've cared for previously, and even if you've had a child before, every child is different.  They have their different temperaments and personalities, they have their different physical ailments and needs and preferences, and they have their different rhythms. On Friday, I found out again, as I was faced with a brand new baby, that it was like I know nothing at all. 

At almost two months old but born premature by a month, this little baby boy came with a gift from God.  The gift?  The beautiful realization that if I do not pray, I cannot parent.  There's no better gift than understanding that I need God.

It really only took an hour for me to realize that I was clueless of what to do with this new little baby.  He seemed to cry whenever he was awake.  In fact, he seemed downright miserable unless he was asleep.  Even in the midst of drinking his bottle, he was unhappy.  And I didn't know how to soothe him.  On that first night, he did not sleep for any length of time that granted me rest.  Even so, it wasn't until the next day that I started to pray.  Lord, help me understand him.  Help me know how to help this helpless little baby.  I started realizing that I had really taken for granted my ability to know and anticipate our previous baby's needs.

And last night was much better.  We swaddled him at bedtime (a la Dr. Harvey Karp) and he slept more soundly and for longer intervals.  He's now comforted by my holding him (found good positions that work for us).  And he seemed pretty happy being awake in our arms for awhile tonight, watching the Chargers game with us.  He's no longer miserable when he's awake nor miserable when he's drinking his bottle (which he likes warm, by the way).  I'm still sleep-deprived... but so happy that we have a happier baby, thanks to God.  Seriously, can't parent without the best Parent of all.

Last week at this time, we got a call from the social worker telling us that the court had ordered for our foster baby to go to a new guardian.  We knew it was coming but when she told me, the officiality of it all hit me:  our little girl was really going to leave us!  After I got off the phone, I cried and cried.  How we would miss this little person walking around our home, babbling and talking to herself as she played, coming up to us to pat our legs to get our attention, always asking us to read a book to her, making signs to communicate with us!

It's now a week later, and we have found ourselves, in this past week, talking about her whenever this or that other thing reminds us of her.  We walk by her empty high chair and her empty crib and we think of her.  We miss the way she smells.  We miss the way she smiles.  We miss all her little sounds.  She is a special little girl and we will always miss her.  She will always be our first little baby. 

As we reflect back on the last few months, we are mostly grateful for the opportunity we had in providing a home for her.  I remember the first day we got her.  When they handed her to us at the Center, she was crying and crying.  When we brought her out to the car, she kept looking back at the Center as she continued to cry fearfully.  It took us half and hour to calm her down enough to put her in the carseat.  When we brought her into our house, she kept looking around, terrified.  She clung to me and wouldn't let Sam near her, and she didn't let me move an inch.  What a difference that was from the baby that we relinquished.  In the three months with us, she had become a happy and secure little girl.  She had stopped being clingy to me.  She fell in love with her dada Sam.  She loved new people.  And she would wander around, not only our house, but everywhere else we went, happily exploring, as if she had nothing to fear.  That's one of the greatest signs of a secure baby.  We're so thankful for how God transformed the terrified little baby into our happy little baby...so glad that we got to play a part in it.  I can't imagine what she would be like today if we didn't foster her -- or if there were no other loving foster parents to step in.  Thank you, God, for bringing her into our lives!

In a few hours, we are going to get a little baby boy.  We will only have him for ten days -- but we are excited to have another little one in our home to love.  He'll be ten months younger than what we are used to, so it's going to be a challenging, adventurous change!  Come by and meet "Caleb" (not his real name). 

Our foster baby will probably be leaving us at the end of this week.  It's about 98% certain.  We are making her a photo album, and I've written her the following letter, so that she will know what life was like for her while she was with us.

Dear Baby,
You probably don't remember the brief time in your life that you spent
with "Mama Mary Ann" and "Dada Sam", but we remember it very well.  We
had the privilege of caring for you during the first year of your life.  We will always remember what a happy
little baby you were while you were with us.  You blessed us and
everyone who had the chance to meet you.  People would literally walk
away smiling after they passed you by. 

While you were with us, you learned how to wave hi and bye to people. 
You learned how to go from crawling to walking (we have your first
steps on video).  We remember how you took one tentative step and then
two and then three.  In a matter of weeks, you were walking so fast, we
could hardly catch up to you anymore.  Most people thought you were two
years old, even though you weren't even one yet.  You have been so
developmentally advanced in so many ways.  Recently, Dada Sam taught
you how to "give fives", point to your head, and point to your nose. 
We were also able to teach you how to do some baby signs, like "eat",
"more", "milk/juice", "all done", "up" and "help."  We've been so
amazed at your ability to communicate with us, and we know you have
felt much relief at finally being able to communicate too!

During the time you stayed with us, we took you to the park (you liked
walking around looking at all the other kids more than actually playing
on the playground), we took you to the beach (where you fell down into
the water when a wave came up, and that scared you), we took you to the
zoo (you really liked the giraffes and elephants), we took you to a
Padres game (you didn't really like this because you had to sit still
on our laps and you really wanted to get up and run around; however,
you did like going on the trolley to get there), we took you to the San
Diego Fair (you spit up on us a few times that night perhaps from being
over-stimulated), we took you to our seminary (you loved walking around
and saying hi to everybody and everybody loved saying hi to you), and
we often took you on walks (but you would rather pick up and examine
all the blades of grass and pebbles along the way than actually walk). 

We also had fun throwing you a little birthday party when you turned one.  You had such a good time with all the people who came.  You also really loved the balloons (and the presents).  We have some beautiful pictures of your party from a professional photographer so that you can remember that special day.

While you were with us, your favorite foods were chicken, rice, peas, green beans, carrots,
applesauce...and definitely watermelon.  We would cut up little pieces
of watermelon and you would stuff as many as 3 or more pieces into your
mouth at the same time.  Every morning, also, we made you eat oatmeal
because we wanted to make sure that you would have fiber.  You were a
good sport about eating it, but that was probably also because we mixed
it with juice.    We were very careful to give you only healthy food
(sorry, you basically had no sugar while you were with us except from
fruit) -- but we did experiment with different foods with you.  One
time, we were eating a Thai noodle salad dish and you were staring at
us, so we gave you a few bites of it.  It was spicy and you made such a
face from it!  That was probably the first time you ever had something
spicy in your whole life!  and you were very displeased! 

Your favorite time of the day was bath time.  Dada Sam would usually
give you a bath every night to give Mama Mary Ann a break from caring
for you all day.  You would be playing in the living room, and he'd
come out with one of your bath toys (a squishy fishee), and as soon as
you would see it, you would drop what you were doing and follow him
like a zombie.  It was so cute!  You had a couple of fishees and a
ducky that you loved to play with in the tub.  After bath time, we'd
lotion you up and put you in your jammies, brush your teeth (you had 8
when you came to us and 12+ when you left), and read you three books every
night.  Then Mama Mary Ann rocked you while singing, "Jesus Loves You,"
and you'd always hum along.  We'd both kiss you goodnight and put you
in your crib and you would fall asleep pretty quickly.  (We taught you
how to settle yourself down and fall asleep on your own when you first
came to us.  It took two weeks: you cried a lot when we put you down in
the beginning, but by the end of the two weeks, you knew how to fall
asleep on your own!)

We took you to church with us every Sunday.  Your favorite parts were
the singing part (you would dance to the music that the worship band
was playing) and Joshua & his mommy.  Joshua is our 4 year-old
nephew, and you used to just love watching him running around
animatedly being hyper.  He also really loved you.  He'd always come up
to you and kiss your little feet, and you would always giggle with
delight.  You were also always so happy to see his mama.  You would
have a big smile on your face when you'd see her, and she would have a
big smile too.  We know they will both miss you very much.

As do we.  You will always carry a piece of our hearts with you.  We
are going to miss all the little kisses and hugs that you would give us
spontaneously -- your laughter and your giggles.  We are so glad that
you felt safe while you were with us and that you knew that you were
loved by us. 

We prayed for you every night after we put you to bed.  And we continue
to pray that you will always know that you are loved by us -- and,
especially, that you are loved by Almighty God.  He loves you with a
limitless love.  He is a perfect Parent and Friend, who is faithful and
trustworthy.  He will always be there with you, stand by your side,
never leave your nor forsake you.  We pray that you will one day come
to know His unconditional love through His son Jesus.  It is through
His love that we have loved you fully and truly.

Your foster parents,
Mama Mary Ann and Dada Sam

In a child’s life, things are always developing, changing
and evolving.  When you finally make note
of it, you realize that it’s actually been happening for at least a few days, a
week, a few weeks!  It was that way today
when I had just finished changing Baby's diaper.  I put her down on the ground to
wash my hands and the next thing I know, she has disappeared from the room and
is wandering down the hall into the living room!  She used to stay put.  She used to only crawl. She used to only sit
at my feet, very close to where I was. 
Now she moves so fast.  Now she
walks instead of crawls.  And now she has
no fear of being in a different room from her mama! 

The other day while I was brushing my teeth, she was playing
in our bedroom on the other side of the wall. 
I heard her crawl towards me and poke her heard around the corner.  She usually does this to check to see if I’m
there.  Then she disappeared behind the
wall again.  A few seconds later, her
head poked around the corner again, but this time she was walking toward me.  It was like one baby left and another baby
appeared. 

When did it become so easy for her to walk?  One day, she was accidentally taking two
steps on her own on the way to one of us. 
The next week, she was taking 15 steps across our living room.  And then sometime after that, she just
started walking from place to place whenever she felt like it.  These days, she seems to want to walk more
than crawl.  And it all happened so fast.

She has this way of carrying things.  She always rests things on her shoulder,
leaning the object on her neck.  Curious
George, a ball, a cell phone, a blanket. 
Today she was carrying Curious George all around the house.  She used to not even care about stuffed
animals!  Suddenly, she holds them
closely and kisses them affectionately.

Here's what I mean.  (You can't see her face...so I think I can post it here...:)

And it wasn’t that long ago either that she loved to
self-feed.  This was when she first discovered
her pincher fingers and wanted to use them all the time.  Unfortunately, she would often miss her mouth
and food would roll down into her bib. 
Nowadays, her use of her pincher fingers is so precise.  She can grasp the smallest food bits and put
them squarely in her mouth.  Today,
however, she purposely pretended to miss her mouth and stuffed the peas down
her bib instead – simply because she didn’t want to eat them.

And if that wasn’t surprising enough, earlier today, she came
over to me and put her pincher finger and thumb of one hand together to hold
her other thumb.  She looked at me as
though she wanted to tell me something but I didn’t know what it was.  Then it suddenly dawned on me!  She wanted me to sing “Itsy Bitsy Spider” to
her.  I must’ve understood her right,
because when I started singing and doing the hand motions, she smiled and
clapped her hands with delight.  She
remembered it from yesterday, and she was able to communicate what she
wanted.  Amazing!  She clapped every time I finished the
song.  Funny that just the other day
(although I don’t remember when), she didn’t know that clapping communicated
appreciation for something.

She turned eleven months on Sunday, and it seems that we no
longer have a little baby.  She can wave
goodbye and hello, blow kisses, voluntarily give kisses and kiss on command,
snuggle and hug and point to things that she wants (I remember when I would
point to things and she would have no idea to look where I pointed).  She knows how to be defiant and how to be
obedient, how to be affectionate and how to be distant, how to communicate
happiness, boredom and displeasure.  It
all happened so fast.  I didn’t even have
a chance to record when it first began, but I’m so proud of our little girl and
all the amazing things that she can do.  

Happy eleven months, little baby!  Mama & Dada love you!

I had myself a good cry tonight.  It's been a long time since that has happened.  I've been feeling really tired and exhausted and angry lately.  The exhaustion is on the surface, but the anger is deep, down in there somewhere and I only know about it because every once in awhile, it rises up when I am impatient with our baby.  As I cried, I kept thinking, "Lord, why am I so angry?  Why am I so tired?"  Fostering presumes that you are going to give a better home to a child than the one they came from.  How presumptuous.  Lord, what made me think I am so much better? Seems like there's so much anger in me.  I don't know where it comes from.  I am so controlling.  When she doesn't do what I want her to do, I get angry.  I am the kind of parent I never wanted to be.  And then I began to realize that I was angry at my dad.  Anger comes from hurt.  I am hurt that he hasn't spoken to me since we became foster parents.  I am hurt that he is treating us like we have committed the worse crime just because we did what he didn't want us to do.  I am hurt that he didn't even call me on my birthday.  I am sad mostly because I love my dad so much, and it hurts me that he has shut me out.