A new reality show called "Dating in the Dark" aims to determine whether people can make connections without physical appearance as a factor.   The show makes me wonder about the importance of the physical and reminded me of the conflict I felt when I was a single.

This conflict could be epitomized by the advice given to me by my well-meaning aunt during my single days, "You have to dress (more) sexy in order to catch a man."  I remember feeling really shocked when I heard her say it.  As I looked myself in the mirror, I knew that by the world's standards, I was not exactly the prettiest girl on the block.  Therefore, I must admit that there were certainly many moments back then when I put on the make-up, fixed up my hair and chose certain kinds of clothes which I thought might make me more appealing to men -- with the sole purpose of appearing more attractive to them. 

There came a point, however, when I became more secure that I didn't have to dress more sexy in order to catch a man.  Because while the world looks at the physical appearance, God looks at the heart (1 Sam 16:7).  And anyone who is in Christ should no longer consider others from a worldly point of view, but, instead, in the way that God looks at us (2 Cor 5:16).  The conflict continued to plague me, however, even with these biblical truths -- because the message that continued to blare at me was that though Christian men were supposed to embody these principles, they were still men who responded to what they saw visually.  So what's a girl to do?

With Jesus as my guide, I eventually came to a series of realizations, including, "Just because someone is uninterested in you, it doesn't make you uninteresting" (See this entry).  I realized that, "It's not about how beautiful you may appear to be but how beautiful you truly are" (See this entry).  I also realized the importance of just following God and being in the right place at the right time doing the right thing (See this entry).  And ultimately, I realized too that, "I can’t be spending all my single days altering myself for their sake.  For if some guy becomes attracted to the alteration of myself, will he be disappointed when my true self resurfaces?"  (See entry on Alluring Femininity).

This past weekend, out of the blue, Sam said to me, "I'm glad you don't wear makeup."  It was a comment that was out-of-the-blue, but it spoke right to this old issue that I had long forgotten about.  I danced inwardly with glee as I realized how thankful I am that God brought me through that journey of having confidence in my identity in Christ.  If I had not and had tried to allure him with things that are not truly "me", I may have never known the freedom of being fully loved just for who I am.  He loves me for me, without those supposedly alluring feminine accouterments, and he thinks I'm beautiful.  Hallelujah! 

And so perhaps it may actually be possible to 'date in the dark' and, in a way, be blind to looks if one has both feet in the Kingdom, only measuring others by His standard of grace and beauty...and waits for another who is doing just the same.  What do you think?

I don't know about you, but I know I've asked this question before - quite often and quite desperately, in fact.  The insecurity was exacerbated by the descriptions I found of the notable women of the Bible:  Abraham said to his wife Sarah, "I know what a beautiful woman you are." (Gen 12:11)  Of Rebekah, it was written, "The girl was very beautiful..."  (Gen 24:16)  "Rachel was lovely in form, and beautiful.  Jacob was in love with Rachel."  (Gen 29:17-18)  These women got these men simply because they were beautiful, it seemed.

But is that God's way? 

The other night, I made a striking discovery.  Of Ruth, Boaz declared, "You are a woman of noble character."  (Ruth 3:11)

Interesting.  Among the prominent females of the Bible, Ruth is the only woman in the Bible who was described as a woman of noble character.  Nothing is mentioned about her beauty.  But she is a woman to be emulated and admired -- and she was admired by Boaz.  He took notice of her right away, welcomed her ("Come over here.  Have some bread."), went through a lot of trouble to protect her from harm and give her what she needed, and then ultimately to marry her (although within the framework of that time and culture, it was sacrifice on his part to do so) -- and yet, it was never written about her that she was beautiful. 

What is prominent and notable about Ruth is her character.  She is attractive and she is honored for her faith, her courage, her steadfast love, and her boldness.  This story gives hope -- for those of us who feel far less than beautiful.  Those who are not drop-dead gorgeous can be recognized, honored, have amazing influence... and, just as icing on an already good cake, can captivate the heart of a man of "good standing" and repute - a quality guy!!  

It seems to me that Ruth's story highlights and enlightens that it is far better to be known to have character than beauty.  For the other women who were known for their beauty are also remembered for their godless actions (Sarah had a hand in Abraham's doubting of God's promises with regard to Hagar, Rebekah encouraged Jacob to deceive, Rachel was spiteful and ungracious toward her unloved sister).  We are all able to recognize that we can admire certain aspects of these women, but it's also true that we must be discerning about what we emulate in them. 

In the end, it seems that it's not about how beautiful you may appear to be but how beautiful you truly are.  We are never clued in to the beauty of the surface of Ruth's face, but we will always remember her as beautiful by her life full of grace. 

With God, there is always victory.  
 
For years and years, I had a thorn in my flesh which often hampered my ability to follow God with freedom and confidence.  It came in the form of an insecurity I felt about the way I look.  Whereas it is true that every girl has general insecurities about her looks because she compares herself with the world, mine originated with the fact that I was born with a "birth defect" called a cleft palate.  Because of the stigma of the words “birth defect” and some teasing from my childhood, I was sure that I was ugly, unseemly and unbeautiful.  This agonizing thought wrenched my heart and stripped me of any sense of confidence.  When it came to relating with others, a wave of insecurity would often wash over me of how "un-cool" I was and made it practically impossible for me to step out, share my thoughts and ideas, life and love with others.  I would hesitate, refrain and hold back in fear that they would wrinkle their noses at me and shirk back in disgust.  As a result of my insecurities, I lost so many valuable moments with people and missed out on many of the experiences of life that I’m sure God had dreamed up for me.  Many people did not come to know me and Christ in me because I feared too much the idea of being known.
 
I knew it was destructive to my ability to truly live, but I didn't know how to be healed from those deep wounds in order to be all that God had created me to be.  

But God knew.  
 
At that time, two of the closest people in my life were continually compelled to squelch the lies that were running through my head.  One of these dear friends wrote to me, “He chose you because in His eyes you are beautiful, gifted and charming.  That’s it.  He made you the way you are because He wanted to.  He loves all of you.”  And the other, a colleague, said to me one night in the middle of a ministry staff meeting, “Mary Ann, I want you to know that I think you are such a catch…  Don’t put yourself down.”  Their words of affirmation brought tears to my eyes.  I was taken aback by the love and grace in their words and simultaneously filled with disbelief as to its truth.
 
You see, for longer than I could remember, there had been a broken record that played in my head every single day of my life.  It said unflinchingly, "No one will ever want to marry you.  You’re just not beautiful.”  
 
So God intervened.  One Friday a few years ago during a fellowship meeting, the message that kept being repeated was, “God made you and He thought that it was good.”  It was God's way of setting up the stage.  The next morning, I came before the Lord and asked, "Really?"  I brought my hurts before Him as raw, open wounds, and I just cried and cried and cried.  
 
In response, the Lord brought me to Luke 1.  What a disgrace Elizabeth must’ve been and what agonies she must’ve suffered during those long years because she could not have a baby!  And the thought came to me, why did God let her agonize all those years if He was gonna give her a baby anyway?  The answer?  A very personal drawing of her to Himself.  He chose to do it that way to reveal Himself to her in the most clear and poignant way.  And, in reading all this, it was like He said to me that when He was creating me in my mother’s womb, He put His finger on me and especially crafted this “mark” to say, “Spare her.  I love her.  I do not want to toss her out.”  He had a special plan to reveal Himself to me in a way that no one could ever grasp.  It’s true.  I would’ve never come to know Him if it weren’t for my birth defect.  Years of lies were being torn up in that moment.  Psalm 139 hit me hard as I heard Him say, “You are not an accident.  You’re not a mistake, a manufacturing defect or booboo.  You were not meant to be discarded.”  These truths set me free.    
 
And yet still, I painfully remembered all the surgeries and all the ridicule, and in agony, I cried out, “Lord, am I so hideous?”  He enveloped me with His love, reminded me of Song of Songs 4 and said, “I love you more than anyone ever will.”  
 
But even so, I anguished, “But, Lord, what of people who think I’m dull, not pretty?”  And He said, “It’s not applicable.  Stop putting one foot in this world and one foot in my Kingdom.  My standards for perfection are so much higher than this world’s standards of beauty, and when we are measuring by my Ruler, you are beautiful.”  And He whispered to me, “You have a beauty that far exceeds all the ‘pretty’ girls in the world -- because your beauty comes from the glow of Christ in you.  That sparkle in your eyes exceeds everything else because it is Christ!  That glow can never be taken from you.  Exterior beauty fades, but this never will.”

And that settled it for me.  Ever since that day, I have lost the sense of insecurity that used to paralyze me day by day.  My beauty is a radiance that comes from Christ.  It wells up and bubbles over in my words, movements and actions - not just in the surface of my face.