Being Christian and Asian American at the same time can sometimes be very challenging.  Well, it's quite all right to be a "normal Christian" (as my dad calls it) who simply attends church every Sunday and doesn't do anybody any harm, but being a radical follower of Jesus and an Asian American at the same time is sometimes quite nearly impossible.  How do you strike a balance?  How do you follow Jesus "wherever" He leads you without offending the high values of your Asian American culture?  It doesn't seem possible to do both at the points where they are in opposition with each other.  One has to take precedence over the other -- and the latter must be nailed to the cross.  But words can't describe how costly and painful this necessity is for an Asian American who is Christian.

Asian American values consist primarily of the importance of security and family.  This means that you must do everything you can to ensure financial security and you must take care of your family (family is defined as those in the same blood line).  Above all else, you give your family the best (not strangers) and do all you can to protect it ("because outsiders will trample you").  The motto is, "You've gotta take care of your own first."  From my observations, the Asian American mentality is rooted in a survival and defense mode.  I can understand this mentality because it is the result of the difficult Asian American journey of having to leave everything behind and then start from scratch in a (sometimes inhospitable) foreign land.

These values of security and family have their place and are valuable to a certain degree as they ensure that you will grow up with a sense that you will be taken care of.  However, when these values are taken to an extreme, they can stand in direct opposition of God's desire and will for our lives.  And when that happens, I know I have to make a resolute decision to be free of them in order to embrace God's perfect values.

As a follower of Jesus, I need to be free to take the kinds of risks that God wants me to take, which would mean forsaking the Asian American definition of success (which includes a masters degree, marriage, children, a house and a backup plan); to be generous with my money to complete strangers (instead of saving it only for ourselves); and to love others outside of "our own" as if they were our own (instead of taking care of our own only).  The Asian American motto I grew up with and that still keeps me in check at times doesn't embrace these ideals.  But as I look into the eyes of the One who leads me, I know I have to leave those cultural values behind and follow Him.  It pains me greatly to leave it behind, but to not follow Jesus is to not live at all.  It is a fate worse than death.

I find myself at odds though because I don't want to hurt or offend the ones who sacrificed so much to get me where I am (my parents) -- and the reality is that I need their blessing even though I can't have it in this.  I need it but I can't have it.  To me, this is one of the most heart-breaking things in the world.  And even as I break away and move forward to chase after my Jesus, I am still plagued with this longing for my parents to get on this train too.

These days, I am still tearing up whenever I talk about how my dad didn't talk to me for three months while we had our foster baby.  Even though I knew then as I believe now that it was the right thing to do, and it will always rank at the top as one of the greatest experiences of my life, with God by our side, walking with us through every moment, the lack of solidarity from my father continues to leave an indelibly painful mark in the deepest part of my heart.  I have no regrets about following Jesus, but it doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt.  I am Christian and Asian American at the same time.  And sometimes this is what it means to be both.

And Jesus continues to beckon me forward into a life of putting His priorities first and foremost in my decisions and choices -- into a life of caring for the oppressed, the broken, the lost -- to love with an unconditional love that topples over my Asian American values and casts it resoundingly to the ground, and I can't stop moving, I can't stop following Him.  It's not that I won't but that I can't.  He keeps beckoning and there's nothing else I can do. 

When our generation thinks about becoming parents, we think about how we want a relationship of open communication with our children.  When our children are younger, we want to teach them the way that is right, but when they are older -- when they have become adults, we want to release them into the Lord's hands and walk beside them as friends.  When they are adults, we want to have intimate conversation with them, we want to laugh with them and cry with them, and give them the freedom to make wise or foolish decisions (they are adults after all, and we want to treat them as such).  That is a high value of our generation. 

The generation before us, however, has a different value.  They see themselves as the teachers of their children - no matter how old their children may be.  They believe that if they provide for the children when they are young, then they have successfully shown love.  When their children are older, they want to continue to share from the knowledge of their years and experience. 

Our generation longs for authenticity and relationship.  So in seeking this, we share honestly with our parents.  We take them with us on our journey of processing through dreams and decisions, and in our more courageous moments, we even tell them our doubts, because we long for them to be our friends, to just listen and allow us to make our choices and to be supportive of our decisions as our friends would.  Our parents, however, perceive these moments as another opportunity to teach us, instruct us and thereby, to give us their 'wisdom'.  In their minds, this is their 'job', their responsibility, and we will never be as wise as them.  But, often, the feedback we get from them feels more like criticisms and commands tied up with an expectation of obedience (and not merely 'suggestions'), and we sigh because it doesn't seem to us that they really believe that we have matured.  Their desire to maintain the role of 'teacher' in our lives feels like lack of faith that we have ever grown up. 

Some of us struggle long and hard to prove ourselves to them - to help them understand that we really have grown up, that they need to stop treating us like children and more like adults.  Others of us give up all together and choose to exclude them from much of our musings, our doubts, our thoughts -- we shrug it off, saying that it doesn't matter that we are not taking them on our journeys, but all the while we feel that something is not quite right.  The reality is that our hearts are still aching for that close, intimate relationship with our parents -- the kind of relationship that we value so much and they know so little about.  But we continue to be at such cross-purposes:  We want authenticity and friendship; they want to be our teachers. 

So is there a middle ground, a way of mutual satisfaction of expectations?  For awhile now, I thought I had found it.  But then there are days when this miscalculation flies back at me and tells me I didn't have it quite right after all.  So I am still searching.  What about you?

Giving out affirmation and words of appreciation does not come naturally for me.  Does it come naturally for anyone?  As far as I know, most people have to go out of their way to remind themselves to dish out the praise -- and this is even more so true if you're an Asian American.  Perhaps it is only me, but in my limited experience, I've observed that many Asians have trouble saying, "You did good."  "Thanks!" and "I appreciate you." 

Most of us would agree, however, that we just can't get enough affirmation.  We'd love it if our peers, our spouse, our teacher, our boss and our parents would say more often and with genuine enthusiasm, "You're doing such a good job."  And while we ought not live for the praise of people and nor are we able to force others to affirm us, we certainly can choose to be more affirming toward others.  Perhaps as we seek to affirm others, we can create an 'affirming culture'.  Is there such a thing?  I don't know, but I'd love to see it happen.

Sam and I practice affirmation in our family.  We say thank you to each other all the time.  We say, "You're doing a good job."  We say I love you at least thirty times a day -- probably more.  We are creating an affirming culture now because we believe it's important.  And when our family grows bigger with children, they will never feel the lack of affirmation or love.  Why should they have to wait until graduation day to finally hear, "I'm proud of you" and then never again?  We want to celebrate every little milestone as well as all the big ones and tell them every day that we love and appreciate them -- not simply for what they have done right but simply for who they are. 

It's funny because while it took a lot of effort to develop the habit of affirmation, now I just can't do without it.  There's something so incredibly freeing about encouraging others.  The glimmer I see in the eyes of the one affirmed shows me that the gates of Heaven were thrown open for a moment as they realized how much value they have as a beloved of the Creator.  In affirming others, we receive the great joy of giving a free gift to someone -- it always somehow comes back to bless us in return.  And most times, I find, that is all the affirmation I need. 

Why Asian Americans are not obeying the Great Commission... 

Parental Barriers (what parents say): 
Filial Obligations:
1.  We came over here to make a life for you.  Look how much we sacrificed.
2.  You need to be able to support us when we're older.
3.  If you're over there, how will you take care of us in our old age?
4.  You're going to cheat us from getting to see our grandchildren grow up?

Expectations:
1.  You need to go to grad school and get a masters first.
2.  You need to get married.
3.  You need to buy a house (it's a good investment).
4.  You need a retirement fund (401K) to fall back on.

If this is what is holding you back, you are seeking the Asian American Dream.

Personal Barriers (what I say):
1.  I can serve God here... Why go there?
2.  I need to get married first.
3.  I don't have the gift of evangelism.
4.  God is not calling me.
5.  I have a Masters/Ph.D.; God wouldn't want me to waste my intellect on the field, would He?
6.  I like my car, my house, my friends, my fellowship and having everything I want when I want it - with ease.

But these are all excuses.  What would happen if we were willing to go out on a limb by casting these obligations, expectations and personal desires aside and offer ourselves as true disciples ought and say, "Lord, please have my life and use it any way you choose."? 

I guarantee God will clear the obstacles, answer the doubts, and use you to do great and amazing things... 

Look how much HE sacrificed.  And it wasn't just for you.

College is a difficult time for Asian Americans.  You move away from home for the very first time and you transition into becoming an adult.  You begin to choose on a daily basis how you will invest your time:  when and if you will study, eat, date, sleep, do your laundry, etc.  The freedom to make these choices establishes your identity as an independent individual, and you grow accustomed to being able to make decisions about your own life.

Meanwhile, your parents are still back at home with only the memory of you as their teenage son or daughter.  When you go home, they treat you as the person they said goodbye to at the airport in the September of your freshman year.  "No freedom," you call it.  And you begin to revert back to being a high schooler because they've treated you like one.  You yell at them (even though you promised yourself you would not), you omit the whole truth (it's less hassle if they don't know everything), you hide in your room (you don't want to contend with them), and though you know you shouldn't, you resent them.  They give you a curfew, they're on your case about hanging out with your friends so much ("you care about them more than us!  why don't you spend time with us?" they say), and nag you about what you are going to do with your life 24/7.  By the time you get to the second day of break, you can't wait to get back to campus.   Sound familiar?

A parent's job is to help you grow from childhood to adulthood.  They are to teach you the ways of the Lord and ultimately entrust you into His care - as you grow into maturity.  There's a point when they must let go.  There's a point where they no longer should be the voice of authority over your life, but your friend. 

The problem is that parenthood doesn't come with a manual.  Most parents don't know this, don't recognize that it's time to let go, or just can't bear to let go.  For your mom, you are basically her "heart," walking around outside her body.  And your dad has a stake in you; he's invested in you all these years; he wants to guard you, protect you and make sure you settle well in life.  It's hard for them to let go.

So what do you do?  As you grow up, you've gotta help your parents understand that you've grown up too.  You have to give them the chance to see that you have grown up.  It's not going to happen in a summer, and it may not even happen by the end of college, either.  It's a gradual process that you have to keep working on.

Some things I recommend: 
1.  When you go home for vacation, make sure that the first thing you do is to hang out with your parents.  Don't call up all your old friends and hang out with them on the first night.  Don't bring home all your college friends and ignore your parents.  They haven't seen you in a long time, talk to them.
2.  Communicate with them what you are thinking and planning for the future.  Tell them how you got from A to B.  If you don't have a concrete plan (and that's the problem), communicate to them how you are thinking about it.  They just want to know that you're not just frittering your life away at college and that you are taking life seriously.
3.  When you know that God wants you to do something that they do not, make sure you communicate to them first that you respect their opinion and you've considered their counsel, but that you really think God wants you to do such-and-such; tell them the reasons why and your plan of action.  Don't be afraid to do what God wants you to do.  This is a critical part of establishing independence.  It's also a critical part of becoming a man or woman of God, which is what you are destined for.
4.  Communicate verbally with your parents as often as you can how much you love them.  Along with that, show them that you love them in their love language (e.g. wash their car, wash the dishes, mow the lawn, write them notes, go out with them one-on-one, talk - whatever makes them feel loved).
5.  While you’re away at college, make it a point to call them regularly and keep them in your life (i.e. every Saturday morning or every other Saturday).  Update them on the daily grind of school, life and friends.  That's how you will establish a friendship with them.
6.  Remember that though they have brought you up and cared for you, you do not owe it to them to do everything they want you to do.  They should not be dictating your life.  Only God should, because, ultimately, you belong to God.  He is your master.  Your parents had you on loan.  
7.  If you do not feel like you love your parents, then you must pray for love.  Only God can (and will) give you that kind of love.  Act toward them in love (serve them!) and your feelings will follow.

If you are out of college and still fighting for your independence, then I would recommend 1-7 (those that apply) as well as the need to get financially independent as soon as possible.  You might also want to seek wisdom in regard to whether or not living at home again would be of benefit or not.

Ultimately, your relationship with your parents ought not be considered a dark cloud of oppression over your head nor should it act as a hindrance in your ability to serve and follow God.  Rather, as you grow into mature adulthood, it should transform into a warm and wonderful friendship which inspires you to live and love more for Jesus.  I believe that's the way God would want it.