God gave us a baby girl!  Hopefully, I'll have more time and energy to write about it soon...

Sometimes "knowledge is power", but with language, it often feels like ignorance is bliss.  Having studied both Biblical Greek and Hebrew, it is hard for me be a passive learner when Biblical language is mishandled in sermons or worship songs.  I don't want to be critical but there's a certain amount of angst that comes with the power of knowledge. 

Take for example "Jehovah", a popularly used name for God.  It's actually not a real name of God but a made-up one.  Its history goes back to a reverence for God and His name.  "Yahweh" is the real, revealed, personal name of God, but because the Jews didn't want to take Yahweh's name in vain, they came up with another name to denote His name in the Scriptures.  They used the consonants for "Yahweh" and the vowels of "Adonai" (which means "Lord") to make a new word...which roughly reads "Yehovah".  But this was only a code word.  Anybody who actually read the Scriptures knew that when you got to this code word, you wouldn't read "Yehovah", you would read "Adonai", and when everyone heard "Adonai", they knew you really meant "Yahweh".  In other words:  pretend we had an abbreviation/code word for Jesus like "J-SOG" (Jesus, Son of God) and then we decided to use "J-SOG" to address him in worship and in prayers.  "Oh, JSOG, we love you...."  Sure, it might work as long as we know who we're talking about, but it's still not quite the name of God.  But then again, what's in a name?  Does it really matter?  We call God by different names in different languages, after all.  I've been back and forth on this because of the fact that "Jehovah" has kinda trickled down through the years to become a sort of name for God.  But you can kinda see where my angst is coming from... 

My conclusion so far?  There is a great need for humility that comes with the privilege of learning.  And I confess I am only a preschooler in the school of humility.

Simplicity is freedom.  It brings joy and balance and sets us free from anxiety.  The Christian discipline of simplicity is an inward reality that results in an outward lifestyle.  It begins with living out what Thomas Kelly called "The Divine Center."  God = the Divine Center.  If we seek first the kingdom of God and the righteousness of His kingdom, then everything necessary will come in its proper order.  God desires for us to have adequate material provision, but the Bible is very clear about its stance against the inner spirit of slavery that idolatrous attachments to wealth brings.  Simplicity sets us free to receive the provision of God as a gift that is not ours to keep but as something that can be freely shared with others. 

And this is the key:  "If what we have, we receive as a gift; and if what we have is to be cared for by God; and if what we have is available to others, then we will possess freedom from anxiety.  This is the inward reality of simplicity.  However, if what we have we believe we have gotten; and if what we have, we have believe we must hold onto; and if what we have is not available to others, then we will live in anxiety.  Such persons will never know simplicity regardless of the outward contortions they may put themselves through in order to live 'the simple life.'"   -- Richard Foster, Celebration of Discipline

I've been thinking about the freedom of simplicity a lot this past month, especially as we have been on a long journey of cleaning and organizing our home to make space for the baby.  And the fact is, with babies, there's this sense of overwhelming need to buy a lot of (unnecessary) things.  But as a result of prolonged meditation on this discipline, I truly feel that there's FREEDOM to simplicity.  The less we have, the more free we will be.  Living simply, though, is truly a challenging discipline.  Though I'm truly convinced by this truth, living it out seems to be a whole 'nother matter. 

Foster's key statement that we must see every object as gifts that we have received, as objects that God will take care of and as resources that should be available to others are not attitudes that I grew up with.  This is why it is challenging for me.  But I realized that in order to possess this attitude, one must have a super-glue gripping trust in God.  There must be certainty and unwavering, steadfast confidence and trust that He will provide for you always. That is what is meant by Hebrews 13:5, "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.'"  This is an exhortation to be free because God promises that He will provide us what we need -- namely, with Himself.

On Friday, Sam and I were praying through Psalm 112, and I felt convicted by verse 5, "Good will come to those who are generous and lend freely..."  Living in this way is not my natural disposition, but my prayer continues to be that God would help me trust in His provision more and more that I might be more and more generous toward others.  There will be sweet freedom there.

When God enters into a space, He gives meaning and purpose to that space.  The result?  That though I had felt so tired and exhausted, His purpose-infusing presence gives me a new kind of energy.  So when I am tired from parenting and don't think I have enough energy to take time out to be with Him, I must remember that it is then that I all-the-more need to do it because He will give me an energy and strength that I'm missing.  There is a kind of rest in His presence that is so different from any physical kind of rest.  It's a different kind of peace.  He really does cause me to "soar on wings like eagles" (Is 40:11).

As the days of pregnancy are quickly coming to a close, I had the brief thought today that I might miss a bit of this season in my life.  Not that I would want repetition of the nausea, vomiting, dietary restrictions, needle-pricking or this reality of a train running over my body -- but I will miss waking up every morning with the constant, continual, everyday hopeful, expectant anticipation of a miracle.  That's what this season has been like - I and everyone else around me are all looking to the future, eagerly expectant of something wonderful that's going to happen.  Even strangers look at me with knowing smiles and sparkles in their eyes as we share in this universal feeling of Hope from the anticipation of new life.  Joy really springs from the Hope of something wonderful to come, doesn't it?

I think this is what (should) make the gospel so enticing.  In the gospel, we are promised an inheritance beyond comparison and guaranteed a future full of good and wonderful things.  We have Hope like no other.  Therefore, we ought to wake up and live every single day with hopeful expectation of a miracle that is about to happen that very day.  As Frank Laubach wrote, wouldn't it be glorious to live a year with the view in mind that you will say at the end of it,"This, this has been the finest year of my life" or to be able to look ahead and say, "The present year can and shall be better!"?  That is the hope he anticipated as he resolved to fill every minute of every day full of God.  Just because this season of my life is coming to an end, it doesn't mean that my life has to slip back into some kind of dreary existence where there's nothing to look forward to.  That would be false living.  With Christ, I really can keep on living with a constant, continual, everyday hopeful, expectant anticipation of a miracle. 

It's our wedding anniversary today, and I'm more in love with Sam than the day we married. 

Reflections on what I think makes our marriage great:

It's hard for me to imagine marriage working without Christ.  We are naturally selfish as people, always looking out for our own good, protecting ourselves and reserving a little bit for ourselves.  The reigning philosophy is that if we don't, no one else will.  Only in God's kingdom does it make sense to live differently.  We don't have to look after ourselves because God does.  In His kingdom, the selfless and the sacrificial get counted, rewarded and elevated.  But to truly experience the joy of loving and giving selflessly, we must follow His example of loving without expecting return.  I think our marriage is working because we strive to love like this.   

Another aspect of Christ in marriage is having Him as the acknowledged "Head" of our home.  He is the "spiritual leader", and we (husband and wife) submit, follow and yield to Him.  He has the final say; He's the tie-breaker with the veto power; He's the decision-maker.  There is only one level of hierarchy in our marriage, and it is Jesus as King and we together are under Him.  And the beautiful thing is that Jesus' form of authority is not like that of the world's.  He doesn't lord his authority and power over us.  He leads by serving and sacrifice.  And that's who we follow in our marriage.  So our marriage looks like a continual pursuit of sacrifice and service to one another, no holds barred.

A second key element that I think makes our marriage so good is our communication.  In our marriage, we communicate about everything.  I love knowing everything Sam is thinking about, and he loves knowing everything I'm thinking about.  At the end of the work day, we always make time to share with each other about our days:  what we did, who we talked to, what we thought about, what we read, our highs and lows -- so that even if we weren't with each other all day long, we're filled into those missing gaps in each others days.  It's strange to have a day go by without this kind of meaningful connection.  We cuddle and connect.  Even when we had foster children in our house, we always found ways, made an effort, to connect -- whether while cooking together, bathing our baby or after they were asleep.  It's challenging when we're that busy and everything feels so hectic, but life is just incomplete without that kind of depth of intimacy with the most important relationship in your life.

A third key element, I'd say, is coitus.  Early on, I realized that sex is just an extension of that deep communication with one another.  It's an intimate connection that is a continuation of the conversation you're already having in your marriage.  It's not a separate act, isolated from one another.  It is conversation.  Without the depth of relationship that comes from marital commitment, the act would be devoid of meaning.  The act itself communicates messages of oneness and mutuality as both seek to give and receive to and from the other.  Ability to communicate desires and preferences in this arena means ability to communicate in every arena in your marriage (at least, this is my opinion).  And though the busyness of life, especially with different demands that come from external circumstances and seasons, will always threaten to crowd out this aspect of marriage, and it becomes easy to dismiss and discount as a non-essential element, the reality is that much marital happiness comes from intentional, active pursuit for intimacy.  Just as with the other 2 key elements, marriage has more flavor and color when this is not neglected.

My marriage with Sam -- I believe is so good because we actively pursue these 3 things.  It's not the 'perfect formula' for everyone and there are tons more reasons for good marriages, but if I had to boil it down to three things, that's what I'd say today.

So how does it start?  How do I get back to that place of constant communion with God?  Honesty leads to intimacy, and a key ingredient in relationship is intentionality.  If you're not intentional, if you don't make an effort, then you are sunk. 

Some people don't think it's important to have a quiet time with God every day.  They have told me that, for them, prayer every few days is sufficient.  Personally, I've always been a proponent of daily quiet times - that extended heap of time with the Lord every day which sets the stage for constant communion all day long... but in the last few years, I've unintentionally lived out the opposite philosophy as I've only "checked in" with God every few days.  For me, it's contributed to a status quo existence of mediocre living.  Without that time with Him, it's hard for me to shake any subtle fears which leach onto me and ends up causing an inability to take steps of faith.  I'm tired of crippled living - of only being half of who I am destined to be in Him.  Who wants to be only half of their potential?  Who wants to miss the life they were destined for?  Surely, without constant communion with Him, I am only living a shoddy shell of His dreams for me.

Therefore, I take it back.  I claim it again -- a life lived in constant communion with my God. 

I remember Brother Lawrence writing that he treated this aim as an experiment.  If his mind should wander from God, then he would just bring it back to God again.  It's an experiment.  No need to beat yourself up.  As long as we are still in our earthly tent, it's a given that we are prone to wander.  To think otherwise would be to set myself up for failure, and I will never move forward in the way of faith.

In reference to having constant communion with God, Frank Laubach wrote, "I feel convinced that...there lie ahead undiscovered continents of spiritual living compared with which we are infants."  Continents of undiscovered spiritual living??!!  Sounds simply tantalizing.  I want to join him in his experiment of asking, "What, Father, do you desire done/said this minute?" at every minute... to invite Him to pour into my every minute.  Now that would be glorious living!  I want to fill every minute full of God - to open the windows and let Him in - to invade, fill, permeate all my life and all my being!

Dear Jesus,
It's been a long time since we've had a deep, meaningful conversation.  Well, we might've had one last week, but missing even one day with you feels like a thousand years have passed.  I feel estranged from you -- like you are on the other side of a Grand Canyon cliff.  If I'm not in constant communion with you (as Brother Lawrence was), it feels like I have to make use of this Bridge you've provided for me (again) and make that treacherous journey across.  I feel distant from you.  I feel embarrassed that after 13 years of knowing you, I'm still such an infant in my spirituality.  Why am I unable to keep in step with you at every minute of every hour?  Why is there still such a battle with the flesh?  My mind is not as much aware of you as it should be, my heart not beating in unison with yours, my spirit not responding to every nuance of your Spirit.  When "deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls", I can't seem to block out the roars and hear the deepest part of you calling out to the deepest part of me.  And yet my heart aches.  My days are filled with things I must do, finish and accomplish.  They seem so urgent and important, and they crowd you out.  And yet my heart aches.  I can continue on this pretense that life is manageable without constant, continual acknowledgment of your presence, but I am only tiring myself out.  Jesus, I need you.  I'm sorry for the pretense.  I'm sorry for the distance.  I'm sorry for always standing on the other side of the cliff when you've been waiting every moment for me to be right by your side.  I want to have deep, meaningful conversations with you again -- the kind that exists between old friends as they sit in the same room together for hours on end without ceasing...

Someone was wearing a shirt yesterday that had Jn 12:24 on it, and it reminded me of the truth I can cling to for the pains of the impending labor.  It's inevitable, this labor that will come!  But it's my Lord and Master Jesus who tells me that "unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed.  But if it dies, it produces many seeds."  Do I want my life to be self-contained?  Will my final breath be the end of me - or will my life give way to more life?  It was because Jesus CHOSE to give Himself up that millions and billions have the life that is truly life.  If He had not suffered and died (and came back to life), I would not have life.  Though I have no real "choice" at this point (for the giving up of my body happened about 9 months ago), and this death of my "self" is impending, there's still this need to choose in my heart to die.  I must choose to imitate Him because that is how I will take hold of this "life" more firmly, more surely, more fully, more deeply.

Lord, teach me (show me, give me the strength and ability) to die so that another might live.  Continue to show me in labor, as you have through this pregnancy, and then with this given pattern, help me to continue on in this way of sacrifice and self-giving for all the days of my life.  Help me, Lord, to not focus on "death" and dying but to fix my gaze on the Life and the fullness of Joy which stems from this life that You bring.

Our little baby is coming soon -- very, very soon -- and we are super excited to be parents again.  Again.  Although this will be our first time as biological parents, it won't be our first time as parents.  It feels a little different this time around.  The anticipation of our biological baby is visible with my growing belly, with all the doctor's visits, with physical changes in my body, the ultrasounds and the universal excitement from all.  The anticipation of our foster baby was less visible - no bodily changes, no ultrasounds and mixed feelings from everyone around us.  Expecting a biological baby has been quite an experience.  There really is something so incredible and amazing about God developing a little life inside of me and the bonding I've already gotten to experience with this little baby.  But expecting a foster baby was also quite the experience as well.  It is no less wonderful and no less special to have an adopted/foster baby.  Having been down both roads, I wanted to set the record straight.  Some people foster/adopt because they are unable to have biological children.  Some people foster/adopt because they have been given that unique ability to love the orphans which God so often speaks of.  Both find, in the adoptive experience, the wonder, the beauty, and the joy in giving love in the way that the Father does.  There is nothing on earth that can replace doing as He does, imitating His character, being obedient to His will, embodying His love, and identifying with His heart. 

We absolutely love, love, love our coming biological baby!  But we also absolutely love, love, love the little foster baby that God gave us a year ago, and we will absolutely love, love, love the future foster/adopted babies that He will give to us.