I just found this poem I wrote on our honeymoon a few years ago, which I wrote in my Palm Pilot as we were driving around...
trees ever-stretching before us, vast and wide, a multitude unending, surrounding, around, all around us.
arms outstretched to heaven giving praise, pouring out the gratitude that spills from the depths of our souls to the Maker who brought us together to this place.
rivers stretching, winding, wrapping around sandpoints, the foot of mountains – miles of glass, mirrors of, reflections of, the trees of praise.
25 miles an hour --
a quiet town sleeps, sits, stands, settles without hurry, whispers praise to the God of all creation who speaks in magnified magnificence to all who pass through --
Some people have a loss of words - some of the time. For me, it's more like a lack of words - most of the time. It hasn't always been like this, but it has been in recent times. To quote a friend -- my life seems like a string of awkward moments. Conversations with acquaintances are often stilted and full of pauses, with silent ums, more pauses and then something rather pedestrian spat out. The awkward moments in my life seem to be piling up very high and make me bow my head in shame. How often do I review those moments and think of things I could've said to generate better conversation which result in deeper meaning, instead of dead-end questions or answers which fall flat with a splat on the cold, hard floor. And how many times have I bookmarked questions to ask in the next encounter only to find myself in that later encounter, blanking out and in the middle of another awkward conversation. So many awkward moments with a lack of words has left me so disheartened. It's not just that I feel embarrassed by those vapid conversations. It's that my heart longs for deep and meaningful moments with people. Who wants a life filled with polite, meaningless exchanges? I don't think anybody does really. But how do I get beyond those awkward moments?
“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” Elizabeth Stone
I had heard a mom share this quote with me ages ago when I was fresh out of college and quite far from being a mom. At that time, I could only imagine what that truly meant. But it took only seconds of having my baby outside of my body for me to begin to fully grasp what those words mean. She is my heart, my very heart, walking around outside my body. For days after we first brought her home, I kept finding myself suddenly aware of the fact that I had been holding my breath for an indeterminable amount of time -- waiting, wondering if she was okay. Certain questions kept pursuing me. Why is she crying? Was she breathing? Was she eating enough? How come she's not sleeping?
One day after I had put her down in her crib, hoping desperately that she would stay asleep, I had a meltdown. And as I cried and poured out my heart to God (the worries and anxieties about her well-being and the disappointments about the pregnancy and the birth), I came to a critical moment where I knew that I had to make a decision. Either I would spend the rest of my life worrying about her every waking moment or I could give her every waking moment to God. The former seemed like a horrific way to live, but I knew it could easily be something I would slip into. The latter seemed like the only way to go, but I knew it required a very conscious decision to surrender -- in that moment and everyday ever after.
My surrender in that moment allowed me to breathe again.
But if I want to keep breathing, I need to keep surrendering -- because God really is the only one who can keep her safe. No amount of worry will add a day to her life.
But I am still learning. Sometimes I still find myself holding my breath when she cries. Oh Lord, please teach me to surrender.
A Mother's Prayer, Celine Dion
I pray you'll be my eyes And watch her where she goes And help her to be wise Help me to let go
Every mother's prayer Every child knows Lead her to a place Guide her with your grace To a place where she'll be safe
I pray she finds your light And holds it in her heart As darkness falls each night Remind her where you are
Every mother's prayer Every child knows Need to find a place Guide her to a place Give her faith so she'll be safe
Lead her to a place Guide her with your grace To a place where she'll be safe
Our little foster baby turned two last month. TWO! It's hard for me to imagine that the little, tiny baby who was only crawling when she came to us is two years old. As I have been parenting our little (biological) baby, I often reflect back to the time when we fostered. I am kinda amazed, actually, when I think that we actually decided to foster. I half think to myself, "What the heck were we thinking??" because parenting is such hard work. If I knew then what I know now, I'm not sure I would sign up to foster. But the reality is that even though we only fostered both the baby girl and the baby boy for a very short amount of time, it really felt like a lifetime (at least, for the little girl), and I will always think of them as our children. I know that no one else considers this to be true, but I will always think of that little girl as my first baby, and there's a part of my heart that will always be hers. Happy birthday, little one! May God continue to watch over you wherever you go.
Praying is so futile. That was the thought that rammed hard against the walls of my mind the other night as I stared at the ceiling listening to my baby cry, yet again. Why did she wake up? She's supposed to be sleeping. I've prayed the prayer for her to be able to sleep at least 10 times every day for the last 7 weeks of her life. And yet, she still goes through every day with only two or three short 20 minute naps. Nights are better usually because she'll have at least two sleep cycles where she'll sleep for a few hours. But there's always those times when she won't go back to sleep after she wakes up for a feeding. Now what? God, why don't you answer my prayer?
It makes me feel so lost when the deepest depths of my heart is being poured out, and it seems like there's no answer in return. Feels like I'm pushing hard against a brick wall, and it won't budge an inch. I'm pushing with all my guts, my eyes are popping out and my hands are turning white, but the wall just won't move. And so it seems that prayer is futile, and I don't want to pray anymore. At least, that's how I felt the other night. I was in tears from tiredness and feeling shunned by God... but even so, in the depths of that desperation, I knew I was cornered. There's nothing I can do but pray. There's no other way out of my dilemma but to pray.
Because only God can grant sleep.
So why doesn't God answer my prayer? I don't know. If every prayer was written on a piece of paper and deposited into a bowl, I'm sure my bowl would be piled mountain-high, slipping down and overflowing with slips of paper with the same desperate plea over and over again. God will need a new bowl soon. And even though He won't answer me the way I want Him to now, I know He will one day soon. He said "ask, seek, knock". He said to pray boldly, courageously, unabashedly, and He WILL answer. So I'll keep pushing hard against this wall until He keeps His promise to me.
Now I know what it's really like to GIVE myself for another. When Jesus calls us to lay down our lives, I always accepted it in the spiritual sense. Now I know what it means to do it in the physical sense. My body feels so wrecked. And yet what mom would hesitate to give the very best to her child? Though my sleep cycle is being dictated by my baby's eating cycle and though breastfeeding causes me to wince in pain, it would take something tremendous before I would give this up. I will keep pushing and persevering though every part of my body aches in pain.
Isaiah 49:15 has new meaning to me as well -- The Lord says, "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!"
A mother WILL NOT forget. How much more so will God NEVER forget us??
Not to neglect the depth of a father's love -- Psalm 27:10, "Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me."
Fathers and mothers do not forsake their children. How much more so will the Lord never forsake us?
I'm understanding a new depth to God's love. How vast and deep is His love! --
Babies know their mother's scent. I am constantly amazed by this. When my baby is in my arms and her face is buried in me, it calms her like nothing else. Even when she is screaming like it's the end of the world and her need still hasn't been met, as soon as she is there with me, resting between my shoulders, she quiets down. She feels so safe there, she often falls asleep within a minute of my holding her. The first time I noticed this was when we were still in the hospital. She was crying and crying, and my mom was trying to rock her and quiet her down. She tried all kinds of things to comfort her but to no avail. Finally, I said, "Mom, let me have her." And then it was like a light switch. She immediately fell silent.
I am reminded of when the Lord said, "As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you..." (Is 66:13)
There is definitely a reason why God compares Himself to a mother here. There is such an incredible connection between a mother and a child! And this is the picture I have of God. That we can rest securely in Him... be so at ease, knowing we are in His arms and in His care that all our cares slip away and we can fall fast asleep.
"Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for He shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders." Deut 33:12
Here's a picture of my baby resting securely "between my shoulders."
May we be a people who are so secure in God, knowing that He will take good care of us, that our worries and concerns slip away.
I'm starting to have quiet times with my baby in the mornings. I've been reading psalms to her and teaching her what it means and praying with her. It occurred to me this morning as I prayed for her what a wonderful thing it will be for her to get to know God and walk with Him from an early age. That wasn't something that I had... and I just hope that she will have more security, confidence and JOY as she puts her identity in Christ and puts her hope in Him.
This morning, we talked about Psalm 62.
"My soul finds rest in God" - again, reminded that though our bodies ache for physical rest, true rest only comes from God. If we don't give God our "selves", we will always be restless and tired. (Great reminder during these exhausting days of caring for her as a newborn.)
"Trust in him at all times...pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." "Do not trust in extortion or put vain hope in stolen goods..." "Power belongs to you, God, and with you, Lord, is unfailing love."
My baby and I talked about being people of integrity. We never have to steal, cheat or manipulate because we can trust God. Because power belongs to Him, He is able to meet and provide for all our needs. And because of His unfailing love, we know He will meet our needs, specifically. He loves us. Pretty awesome. I pray that we will be a people of integrity who always trust God and do what is right.
Haven't had time to get caught up with things...so no time for blogging...but just wanted to jot a few thoughts from the last few weeks:
Parenting without prayer is impossible.
If it wasn't so hard, I wouldn't pray.
I have to decide now whether I will worry about every moment of her life or trust God for her every moment.
"I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ -- so firm on His promise I'll stand." (Desert Song)
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