January 13, 2012

• One Step, Two Steps

  I thought I was very self-aware, but it has only been recently that I’ve been able to recognize my battle with mild depression.  The tell-tale signs got swallowed up by continual changes and transitions in my life.  All this time, I just thought different life events were throwing my boat off kilter.  Looking back now, I see that the one constant in my life has been the up and down battle throughout it all.  I’ve articulated how it feels in a poem:

  A sense of dread.
  Burdened.  Overwhelmed.
  Can’t get out of bed. 

  Wanting to crawl into a hole. 
  Desire to quit everything. 
  Can’t be consoled. 

  Heavy weight dragging me down. 
  Can’t move forward. 
  Withdrawal from all around. 

  Battle rages every other day. 
  Can it be defeated? 
  Impossible to say.

  One step, two steps,
  three steps, four,
  progressing forward
  from the day before.

  Jesus, my lifeline,
  I grapple to hope.
  Choosing a way
  from the downward slope.

  I’ve been finding that I have to continue to choose to move forward.  The hard part is that sometimes I feel like I can’t choose it.  No, scratch that.  Depression is that I feel incapable of anything (I can’t even choose), but LIFE is continuing to walk in the way that God has already been leading me despite how I feel in this moment, because how I feel is not actually reality.  And as I put one foot in front of the other, I find life. 

  And I pray, “Lord, please fill me with joy in your presence.”  “Spirit of the Living God, fall afresh on me.  Mold me, melt me, fill me, use me.  Spirit of the Living God, fall afresh on me.”

  • 12:25 am
  • 3 Comments