May 4, 2011

• Inner healing

  Recently, I received a newsletter from one of my former workplaces.  Just holding the envelope in my hands inspired strong negative feelings, which made me realize that I was still unknowingly holding onto some unresolved hurts and disappointments from my time working there.  To be free from those feelings, I knew I had to identify the root of all my negative feelings (i.e. what incidents led to these feelings?), allow myself to explore the depths of those emotions, and then at last ask God to enter into those moments and bring truth into that situation (i.e. show me how that situation should've been).  These are the usual steps for inner healing.  But I was feeling resistant because it's often a grueling, time-consuming process.

  Saturday, I attended an inner-healing workshop, and, Sunday, I led a Bible study that happened to be about healing as well.  All this pointed to the fact that I needed to bring this work situation before God.

  Sunday night, I had a dream.

  In the dream, I was at work.  There, I had decided to work on a project that I felt was an important need.  While working on it, my boss from my first post-college job approached.  As I saw him, I was filled with a feeling of dread.  Was he going to be critical and tell me I shouldn't be doing what I was doing?  I almost scrambled to find something else to do.  But he came.  When he asked what I was doing, I told him, and he said genuinely, "That's a great idea!"  Then he told me he had a new, big project for me where I could employ my creativity and even do it from home.  I had the choice of whether or not to do it; it was up to me, and he would pay me extra for this project. 

  That was the extent of my dream, but when I woke up, I knew right away that it was God bringing truth to my work situations.  Because, though I had only been thinking about one work place, I have actually had two very negative work experiences.  Both were addressed in the dream: 

  1.  In Workplace #1, my boss was very critical and unaffirming.  I felt like my spirit was crushed while I worked there.  In this dream, my boss was actually affirming, and it was genuine. 
  2.  In Workplace #2, the work environment was very micromanaged.  I felt like someone was always looking over my shoulder, correcting my work and telling me to re-do it.  In this dream, I was being given freedom to choose, flexibility, independence and an opportunity to be creative.
  3.  In Workplace #2, there was a general sense of stinginess.  The obsession with being good stewards of time and money bordered on oppression.  In this dream, my boss was generous and gracious.

  As I wrote these three points down and began to journal about my past work situations with specific incidents, I realized that this dream sums up the core issues.  And through it, God speaks to my heart, saying, This is how it should've been, Mary Ann.  He wants me to be affirmed, to have freedom to be creative, and to experience grace in relationships. 

  Psalm 16:7, "I will praise the Lord who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me."  I love that even in my dreams, God desires to speak his words of love to me.

  • 3:33 am
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