November 1, 2010

• It's just you and me

  Three weeks ago, I started teaching a class at my church for a basic discipleship series.  In the course of these weeks, I have been unceasingly humbled by the reality of my limitations.  Keenly aware that I am so in over my head, the only thing I can do is plaster myself to my Papa God.  And in the midst of it all, there are two things I will never forget.

  On the morning of the first class as I was getting ready to leave for church, I suddenly felt a piercing pain in my foot.  I couldn't walk on it or stand.  I realized immediately that it would be impossible to teach with that pain in my foot.  So Sam and I sat down and prayed that God would heal my foot and take away the pain.  After we finished praying, I stood up and the pain had decreased significantly.  It wasn't gone though, so we sat down and prayed again.  After that prayer, the pain had decreased even more and become very faint.  I walked on it for a few minutes and then it was completely gone.  God answered our prayer.  This was incredible because we have prayed for healing over many things but this was the first time that we experienced it that instantaneously.  In the gospels, physical healing was often more importantly accompanied by a spiritual reality being unveiled.  In healing me at that moment, God not only enabled me to do what he had called me to do but he affirmed that this was exactly what he wanted me to do. 

  In sweet juxtaposition, that morning I had awoken from a very vivid dream.  In this dream, I was a little girl about 12 years old.  This little girl was wearing a school uniform and standing in front of the school with a man.  He started off by saying, "Well, I sent out the invitations."  It was evident that this news produced in the little girl about a hundred different thoughts and emotions.  But she said, "What if no one comes?"  He said, "But we've got the Jonas Brothers."  The girl, who was 12 years old at the beginning of the dream, appeared to be about 5 years old at this point.  I knew, as the scene unfolded, that the girl was really 12, but to the man, who was clearly her father, that's how he continued to see her and love her.  She was near tears but couldn't verbalize her gratitude.  The whole time, she had been wavering between approaching and coming near to him and walking away.  She moved a few steps away from him and then came back. 

  In that moment, I understood her history.  She had been adopted by him, and because of the broken family she had come from, she had become a 'punk' kid.  She knew she had not been a model child, so she wondered how she could be loved by him and how she could fit into this new school.  She wasn't well-bred like the rest of the kids and she didn't have an unblemished record.  She was being placed into this school with a clean slate; she was starting over, but would others accept her?  This man had adopted her, but does he really love her?  So when he decided to throw a party for her and send out invitations and invited a celebrity band, she was speechless.  He was doing everything he could to make her able to fit in and be accepted.  She was going to be a new person with a new life!  She couldn't believe it but felt so undeserving of it all -- that's why she kept edging away from him.  She just felt so undeserved. 

  Then the moment came that would make everything fade away.  He said, "There will be all those people, but just remember, it's just you and me."  Those words broke down her walls.  Tears spilled down her face as she ran into his arms.  Even though he would and could and will give her everything that she has ever wanted, deep down, the only thing she really wanted and needed was a father's love.  That was it -- and she had it.

  God's message to me was so clear.  He wants to and will give me everything I want (namely, to use my gifts to serve him), but all that really matters is the him-and-me.  It's just him and me.  And even as I 'get' all these things, all I should worry about and focus on is us.  In ministry, sometimes you just want to seek to please other people, you might treat it as a performance, you want to see a response, outcome, fruit -- but God says, "No, that's not what this is.  Ministry is you living out this relationship.  I'm the only one here.  I'm the only one you have to worry about -- and that means that you don't have to worry."

  It's been a long, winding journey through the wilderness for me, but I feel like I have finally come home. 

  • 7:32 pm
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