May 13, 2010

  • Throwing my heart around

    Sometimes I wonder if people really want honesty.  I really appreciate authenticity, and for a long time now, I believed everyone else did too.  But it's come to my attention in more recent times that being truly honest may be considered "TMI" to some and can often be misconstrued as too much complaining to others.  Honesty, to me, consists of vulnerably laying out my struggles and the challenges I'm facing.  It's resisting the urge to put on a clown smile and simply respond that everything is great.  In truth, everything is great.  Blessings abound in Jesus, and I don't have anything to complain about -- but this doesn't mean life is not without its challenges.  So if I were to give you a little more of myself, then I am to tell you what lays beneath the surface.  To me, it is loving to reveal more of my heart.  It is not loving to say nothing at all.

    But it's not always easy to tell who wants to engage in conversations that delve deeper than the surface and difficult to know unless I throw it out there and see how it is received -- and by "it", I mean my heart.  But one can only throw their heart around a few times before it can no longer bear the beating it gets.  Sometimes it really just seems far easier to lovingly say, "everything is great" than engage in true discourse, but does anybody gain from that?  I'm not sure they do. 

    For a long time now, I've taken my wounded heart and gone into hiding.  I mastered the art of sharing things that appear deep but are not truly personal and have often opted to say nothing at all.  As I begin to seek deeper intimacy with Jesus again, I am finding that hiding away is not the same as hiding myself in Him.  What does it mean exactly?  I'm not sure, but I am wanting to find out.    

Comments (7)

  • What a good question, and so vulnerable of you to share it.  I have gradually learned who the deep (and gentle!) people are in my life--the ones I can trust my heart to--but it's an ongoing process of discernment.  The beauty of our personality type is the ability to go deep quickly with people, but we live with the tension that other personalities aren't ready to go there as quickly as we are!

  • Okay, now I have to know ya'lls personality types.   I can go deep very quickly and I am a very high D personality with shades of S around the edges.    

  • @Gwen Meharg -  I think on the DiSC, I most identify with the "I".  But I think Corrie was mostly referring to the Myers-Briggs, where we are both INFJ.  What's your Myers-Briggs type?

  • @Corrie - Yes, I think also, when someone has hurt/rejected me one too many times, I tend to close myself off.  And due to the number of ppl and times that this has happened, I have found myself to be more and more guarded over time with everyone.  However, I don't want to be such a guarded person that I cease to be relevant -- or that it would hinder me from developing deeper relationships.

  • personally, i love it when people give a real answer to a simple question like, "how are you doing?". i'm a major introvert, and i sometimes i don't share myself/ my heart with people unless they specifically ask me to. but if someone is real with me, then i feel like i have the freedom to be who i really am with them too.

    i will say that detailed descriptions of almost any bodily function fall in the TMI category for me. but other than that, i like hearing about another person's life: the more honest, the better.

  • I'm so sorry to hear that you've been hurt by others' comments when you were being completely honest with them. I agree with you - honesty does mean that you're laying out all of your struggles and not pretend that everything is fine.  And yet at the same time, I don't think the other people whom you're referring to are not being honest with you.  In fact, I suspect that perhaps they are being quite honest and authentic with you when they mutter those statements.

    To me, being real, honest, and authentic has little to do with how 'deep' your conversation can go with another person. It only means that your thoughts and emotions are in congruent with your actions and words. For example, a shallow person can be very authentic & real with you even when you guys are discussing on a topic that is so seemingly shallow such as fashion, beauty and make up. A person who's racist is being real with you when he's telling you how much he dislike his neighbor because of his ethnicity.  Daniel is being real with me when he tells me he doesn't like Chinese mushroom after i cooked a meal with Chinese mushrooms in it for him.  I'm being real with him by saying that I didn't like the overcooked ramen he made for me. Your friend can be honest, authentic and vulnerable in different levels of social interactions (deep or shallow).

    Feedbacks such as "TMI"  or 'too much
    complaining" are merely social cues suggesting that 'they are ready for this type of deep conversation or information".  They are being honest by giving you such feed back.  Don't take that too personally. On the other hand, they would not have been honest, real, or authentic with you if they actually had felt that way but didn't say it because then their feelings and emotions would have been incongruent with their actions. Of course, I don't think people should intentionally say things that they know would hurt others. But that's a whole different matter. 

    I would encourage you to not feel discouraged to be yourself even when you received comments such as 'TMI'. You're being true to who you are.  :)

  • @kanfood - Thanks, kanfood, I appreciate your taking the time to write such a reply.  :)   I agree with what you wrote here, "In fact, I suspect that perhaps they are being quite honest and authentic with you when they mutter those statements."  Yes, you are right -- if they were to tell me that straight-out, then they are truly being honest.  (But often they do not tell me straight out.)  But for them to have those sentiments means that they dislike my honesty and authenticity, which is what I've been coming around to realizing.  (It's not that I don't think they are being honest, it's that I don't think they appreciate MY honesty.)  But you are right that I need to be true to who I am.  When it comes to blogging, I should be able to be who I am, because those who think it's TMI aren't exactly being forced to read it anyway. 

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