January 13, 2010
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Vicarious Living
Growing up, I rebelled at any attempt by my parents to live vicariously through me. Haven't we all? Recently, though, I found myself doing this unthinkable.
I started to observe this phenomenon around Christmastime when we were frequenting stores. At Target, I saw a Cabbage Patch doll, and I wanted to get it for my baby girl. At Costco, I saw a miniature kitchen, and I wanted to get it for her. At Ross, I saw a tea party set, and I wanted to get that for her too. There were all kinds of toys, stuffed animals and books that I wanted to get her. I had to stop myself. What was the deal with pushing gender stereotypes with my daughter? She may not end up liking dolls or care to have a tea party at all! As I thought about it, I knew that I would love it if she was well-balanced --loved sports, played with balls, enjoyed building things, putting things together, creating things, etc. I rebel at the thought of making her into a little princess. So it wasn't about gender stereotyping; it was about my wanting to live vicariously through her. I want to get her all the things I wanted when I was little but didn't get. I want to lavish her with these playthings that I had wanted so badly. I want to do it simply because I want her to have fun and be happy.
This gave me great perspective about parents wanting to live vicariously through their children. Ultimately, they just want the best for their kids. They want to give good gifts to their children. Just like God. That was something Jesus said, "Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" Of course, it's not exactly the same thing, because I'm still "evil", so my good intentions could quickly turn to bad... so the bottom line is that as I seek to give good gifts, I need to filter out any vicarious living that I'm doing as well. Please keep me in check.
Comments (1)
Ooh. Good thing you recognize this early on as a mom!
I can think of a few people our age who grew up with moms who were always buying them "what I never got to have." It's possible for a mom to continue to live vicariously through her thirty-year-old child and always have her life wrapped up in his or her accomplishments/priorities/emotions/needs.
So I say, kudos to you for recognizing your desire to fulfill your wish for a Cabbage Patch Kid through her.
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