October 5, 2009
-
Prayer is futile?
Praying is so futile. That was the thought that rammed hard against the walls of my mind the other night as I stared at the ceiling listening to my baby cry, yet again. Why did she wake up? She's supposed to be sleeping. I've prayed the prayer for her to be able to sleep at least 10 times every day for the last 7 weeks of her life. And yet, she still goes through every day with only two or three short 20 minute naps. Nights are better usually because she'll have at least two sleep cycles where she'll sleep for a few hours. But there's always those times when she won't go back to sleep after she wakes up for a feeding. Now what? God, why don't you answer my prayer?
It makes me feel so lost when the deepest depths of my heart is being poured out, and it seems like there's no answer in return. Feels like I'm pushing hard against a brick wall, and it won't budge an inch. I'm pushing with all my guts, my eyes are popping out and my hands are turning white, but the wall just won't move. And so it seems that prayer is futile, and I don't want to pray anymore. At least, that's how I felt the other night. I was in tears from tiredness and feeling shunned by God... but even so, in the depths of that desperation, I knew I was cornered. There's nothing I can do but pray. There's no other way out of my dilemma but to pray.
Because only God can grant sleep.
So why doesn't God answer my prayer? I don't know. If every prayer was written on a piece of paper and deposited into a bowl, I'm sure my bowl would be piled mountain-high, slipping down and overflowing with slips of paper with the same desperate plea over and over again. God will need a new bowl soon. And even though He won't answer me the way I want Him to now, I know He will one day soon. He said "ask, seek, knock". He said to pray boldly, courageously, unabashedly, and He WILL answer. So I'll keep pushing hard against this wall until He keeps His promise to me.
Comments (2)
Mary Ann-
I've read a few entries so far, and I'm really enjoying your blog. I'll join the chorus of commenters and say that the things you write are very thought-provoking and inspiring. I also have to say that I hope my blog will be this cool someday.
I'm definately looking forward to having lunch with you and Sam sometime soon.
See you at church,
Margaret
Hmmm...
All I can say is that some babies don't sleep well, even the ones with moms who pray.
I think it's really cool that you're willing to share about how much you don't feel like praying. It's so valuable not only to others (because everyone feels that way sometimes and it's nice to know you're not the only one), but also for yourself. When I don't feel like praying, nine times out of ten I just don't pray. So what could be a valuable experience, seeking the Lord in the desert, becomes a missed opportunity to grow and be in step with Him. I just let myself become distracted with entertainment or busyness or get really bitter.
Whereas by writing about it, you have recognized your attitude and it has revealed the underlying belief that prayer is futile. So now you are prepared to deal with it by meditating on the truth (that doesn't feel true right now) that prayer is NOT futile, that God DOES care, and that He IS with you.
Keep on praying, girl! It's worth it.
Comments are closed.