August 12, 2009

• Reflections on our marriage

  It's our wedding anniversary today, and I'm more in love with Sam than the day we married. 

  Reflections on what I think makes our marriage great:

  It's hard for me to imagine marriage working without Christ.  We are naturally selfish as people, always looking out for our own good, protecting ourselves and reserving a little bit for ourselves.  The reigning philosophy is that if we don't, no one else will.  Only in God's kingdom does it make sense to live differently.  We don't have to look after ourselves because God does.  In His kingdom, the selfless and the sacrificial get counted, rewarded and elevated.  But to truly experience the joy of loving and giving selflessly, we must follow His example of loving without expecting return.  I think our marriage is working because we strive to love like this.   

  Another aspect of Christ in marriage is having Him as the acknowledged "Head" of our home.  He is the "spiritual leader", and we (husband and wife) submit, follow and yield to Him.  He has the final say; He's the tie-breaker with the veto power; He's the decision-maker.  There is only one level of hierarchy in our marriage, and it is Jesus as King and we together are under Him.  And the beautiful thing is that Jesus' form of authority is not like that of the world's.  He doesn't lord his authority and power over us.  He leads by serving and sacrifice.  And that's who we follow in our marriage.  So our marriage looks like a continual pursuit of sacrifice and service to one another, no holds barred.

  A second key element that I think makes our marriage so good is our communication.  In our marriage, we communicate about everything.  I love knowing everything Sam is thinking about, and he loves knowing everything I'm thinking about.  At the end of the work day, we always make time to share with each other about our days:  what we did, who we talked to, what we thought about, what we read, our highs and lows -- so that even if we weren't with each other all day long, we're filled into those missing gaps in each others days.  It's strange to have a day go by without this kind of meaningful connection.  We cuddle and connect.  Even when we had foster children in our house, we always found ways, made an effort, to connect -- whether while cooking together, bathing our baby or after they were asleep.  It's challenging when we're that busy and everything feels so hectic, but life is just incomplete without that kind of depth of intimacy with the most important relationship in your life.

  A third key element, I'd say, is coitus.  Early on, I realized that sex is just an extension of that deep communication with one another.  It's an intimate connection that is a continuation of the conversation you're already having in your marriage.  It's not a separate act, isolated from one another.  It is conversation.  Without the depth of relationship that comes from marital commitment, the act would be devoid of meaning.  The act itself communicates messages of oneness and mutuality as both seek to give and receive to and from the other.  Ability to communicate desires and preferences in this arena means ability to communicate in every arena in your marriage (at least, this is my opinion).  And though the busyness of life, especially with different demands that come from external circumstances and seasons, will always threaten to crowd out this aspect of marriage, and it becomes easy to dismiss and discount as a non-essential element, the reality is that much marital happiness comes from intentional, active pursuit for intimacy.  Just as with the other 2 key elements, marriage has more flavor and color when this is not neglected.

  My marriage with Sam -- I believe is so good because we actively pursue these 3 things.  It's not the 'perfect formula' for everyone and there are tons more reasons for good marriages, but if I had to boil it down to three things, that's what I'd say today.

  • 6:09 pm
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