December 11, 2008
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Who should be the initiator?
I read in a book tonight that if a woman wants to let a man knows she's interested in him, she should tell a friend so that friend could tell his friend so that it would eventually get to him; and if he liked her, he would initiate with her. She has to do this because "the man is supposed to initiate" and "the woman is supposed to respond." This is supposed to be the godly way. Actually, this seems rather manipulative to me. Maybe she should tell him herself. I think it works out better for both the man and woman involved when there is honesty and straightforwardness. None of these games. Games are the way of the world. She should be able to say, "There's X event on Saturday, would you be interested in joining me and my friends?" The Bible never says, "A woman must wait for a man to ask her out on a date." The Bible doesn't even say the man must be the initiator.
In some Christian circles, however, a woman initiating is seen as practically sinful! And admittedly, I used to write to that end, until I realized that the Bible doesn't teach that.
Just look at the book of Ruth. Ruth initiatied with Boaz when she went to him on the threshing floor to tell him he's a kinsman redeemer and would he do something about it? She's asking him to marry her (and save Elimelech's family name and redeem the land). And Boaz is the one who responds. As a result of her request, he goes out and does everything he can to answer her rather high-stakes request. As he does so, his manhood is not decimated, his eventual marriage with her is not ruined and the townspeople do not criticize/condemn the fact that she initiated. Instead, everyone rejoices and gives praises, and a son is born who becomes the grandfather of King David and the ancestor of King Jesus. Clearly, the Bible does not condemn Ruth initiating, and it doesn't condemn other women following in her footsteps.
I think Christian men and women would be better off if they would be honest with each other -- they should wait for God to lead and initiate and they should follow and respond to Him. Sometimes this means the girl asks the guy. Sometimes this means the guy asks the girl. But no matter what, they need to submit to His lead.
Comments (6)
FASCINATING. Good use of Ruth.
A teenage friend of mine recently asked me if I thought it was okay for a girl to ask a guy out. I told her that it's not bad for a girl to say, "Hey, would you like to go do this/that activity with me?" But it's often better if the guy does the asking because it sets up a good precedent in the relationship.
I say this from out of my own experience with 1) non-committal, indecisive, I-like-you-but-I-really-don't-know-what-I-want guys, as well as 2) non-committal, flirtatious, I-seek-attention-from-women-as-a-way-to-feel-good-about-myself guys.
@licoreen - You're right. I think it totally depends on what guy, what girl, what age, what stage they are in. And what Christian subculture. In a certain subculture, a guy or gal can ask someone out for coffee and it's no big deal. It's not a life-long commitment, and neither should see it that way. But in others, a "date" could mean pre-engagment. Since there are higher stakes involved in the latter culture, some guys may not be able to handle a girl asking them out because maybe they weren't even thinking about it yet, but since there are lesser stakes in the former, some might really like it.
It's true what you said about the type 1 guy you mentioned -- or even the "I'm not sure I like you" guy. That's why I think that if you are in the one-date=pre-engagement subculture especially, you should prayerfully, prayerfully wait til there's direction from God before initiating.
I definitely don't think that if a guy and gal have already been 'getting to know each other' but things are unclear, she needs to wait around for him to initiate the DTR (defining of the relationship) when things really need to be defined. This is what I had I thought I had to do in some previous aborted relationships, and that led to messier endings because it had dragged on for so long as I waited for that guy to initiate that conversation. It would've been far nicer to have known that I had the freedom to say, "What's going on?" and have that cleared up earlier on.
thank you for writing. i guess i'm pessimistic of it changing the christian subculture, but i hope people read and think about it. i guess i feel the expectation that they guy must always initiate puts a lot of pressure on a guy. i have a lot of feelings on this that i just can't put into words, so for now, i'll just thank you for sharing.
i agree and also agree with licoreen. i've heard it this way. the girl can initiate. but at some point, the guy has to take over. i do believe that God created men to be the aggressors, brave, courageous, "go out & kill for food" instincts. this is a generalization though. it's always ok for women to initiate, but i personally would feel uncomfortable with i always initiated. i think women at some point, want to know that now the guy's going after me. she could get his attention but i don't think in the long run, things'll work out if she kept at it & she was always in the lead.
i hope that made sense!
@starcatch89 - i agree that there shouldn't be an uneven amount of initiating in a relationship by one of the individuals. both should be able to lead and initiate. both the girl and the guy, not just one.
however, regarding your other comment, i would disagree because i do also think that women are also brave & courageous and can be very strong leaders and that God calls women to be strong leaders as well. i don't think that the guy needs to 'take over' the leadership of a relationship... but anyway, this is a whole can of worms.
I agree with your statement about games. let's stop the games people...
Guys need to step up and embrace the brave courageous strength that God intended for them as men. Girls also need to step up and embrace that strength albeit to a different degree, maybe. I also think sometimes girls need to be patient... and be understanding of guys that are still being shaped by God and maturing into their brave selves.
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