February 7, 2008
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Pressing into the Pain
In response to a comment to my entry “Unresolved Disappointments“
Commenter wrote: “mary ann – i’ve been dwelling on the same thing and have wondered how
to “get over this,” esp. during lent. anyway, if you have more
thoughts on this, please share!!!” –llaiHi llai, I don’t know really, but I think the only way to ‘get over this’ is to press into it –
actively, pro-actively, unrelentingly — to consciously choose over and
over again to pursue God and to pursue the unresolved things that are painful –
to ask, “Lord, please show me the things in my life that are keeping me
from you” and to wait for an answer, and once you hear the answer, to
press into the pain of it and to ask God’s perspective in it so that
all the “Why, God!!”s are answered, so that He can bind up your wounds
and you can move forward in faith and trust in Him (which you are able to
do because He has given you His perspective in those matters).Tonight I am up because I realized that there is a tear in my PJ
bottoms. I’ve worn it so many times that it’s worn down to a nice
hole. These pants are actually a pair of Adidas active-wear pants –
Navy blue — from my friend Julie. She had thrown them in the dryer
one too many times and they had shrunken and gotten to be too small for
her, so she had given them to me. I’ve worn them ever since because
they are so comfortable — and after she passed away, they have been a
nice reminder to me of her. But when I realized there was a tear in my
pants, I started thinking that maybe I would have to replace them
soon… and realizing that I didn’t want to replace them, because then what will
I have to remind me of her? And then I thought of how silly she would
think me to keep a pair of worn Adidas pants to remind me of her. And
then I started wondering if I could ask her family for something else
of hers so that I could remember her by and thought how awkward and
difficult that would be. And I started thinking how much I really
missed her… and began to wonder if I have ever gotten over the fact
that God took her away so suddenly because suddenly my heart aches so
much and my stomach feels like it’s been punched and a headache has
come out of nowhere. And then I wonder if I am angry with God? And if
not, then have I chosen to hold all my friends at arm’s length so as
not to feel this kind of loss again? And I wonder if I keep God at a
distance in the same way. And these thoughts cause me to run to Him
with my arms outstretched and my heart in my hands… Lord,
I know only you know what to do with this ache and only you can bind my
wounds. I don’t know why you took her. It’s not fair, Lord. Didn’t
you give her so many wonderful dreams? There were so many things you
could’ve used her for. And then I realize that He had already
used her for so many wonderful things, and by His sovereign scope of things, she
was done. Her work here was done…. and so He took her away from this
world of trouble and pain — and that was His gift to
her! And I am now standing there in front of His throne realizing that I
will never understand Him — never, never, never — understand or grasp
Him fully. He is God. His ways are just and right. And I am just
me. But I am just me — closer to Him now because I am daring to press into the pain to gain His perspective so that I can walk with Him again…
Comments (6)
wow. thanks for writing that maryann. that articulates it excellently.
you know, i haven’t been checking xanga regularly, but i’m glad i did yesterday and today. thanks for trying to answer my question and sharing your thoughts!
mary ann,
i remember you told me my freshman year of college how the disciples’ issue in the boat (in the storm) was that they forgot who Jesus is. “Who is this . . . ?” they asked.
we know enough to trust, to love, to have peace in any circumstance. that was what you comforted me with.
this post was another semi-reminder of that lesson :] thanks.
i miss you.
sure thing, llai. your question and my thoughts regarding all this collided all at the same time. the more i press these matters with God, the more i realize that there are many things, many reasons why i feel distant from God. there’s the unanswered prayers, there’s the ministries that didn’t go the way i planned, there’s the job expectations that weren’t met, there are the sins that have been unconfessed and bad patterns that haven’t been changed… all of these fall under the ‘unresolved disappointments’ category. and i’m finding that the more i’m pressing into these things, talking it out with God and asking for His perspective, the more i am able to draw near to God. and i’m realizing that i need to press into it, choose it, and choose him every day, every moment — i can’t do it just once and expect a lifetime transformation.
tiastar, thanks for the reminder of those God-words.
i miss you too!
Thanks for sharing that Mary Ann. Sometimes it takes a lot of courage to put one foot in front of the other, doesn’t it?