August 22, 2007

• Sunny Side Up Marriage?

  I am still thinking about what I learned from a marriage workshop I went to at the conference.  It was taught by two professors from Denver Seminary (Fred & Heather Gingrich). 

  There are two EXTREMES that can occur in marriages, which you want to avoid.
  1.  Dependent - where the two individuals want to be so equal in everything, share everything and do everything together.  The two lives are completely enmeshed with each other.  This kind of marriage can be likened to scrambled eggs, where the eggs are so mixed up, you don't know where one person starts and the other person ends.
   
  2.  Dissociation - where the two individuals are so afraid of losing their identity, uniqueness and giftedness to the other that they choose to live completely separate lives.  This kind of marriage can be likened to hard boiled eggs.  Each individual (egg) is so completely contained -- there is no real hint of being a part of one another.
  

  The IDEAL would be eggs which are fried 'sunny side up'.  Here you have the egg whites of each egg touch and overlap, meanwhile, you still have the yolk of the uniqueness of each egg preserved.  It's balanced - a little bit of both.
  
  I love this visual.  It's tangible enough to be able to pursue -- though I guess I'm not quite sure how to break this analogy down to the day-to-day.  I know, though, that I want my life to overlap with Sam's -- to be able to share our hearts with one another -- although not necessarily needing to be exactly the same or always experiencing the same things in the same way all the time.

  Sadly, I must admit that at the beginning of our relationship, I kept thinking that we were the same and kept wanting that we would understand, perceive and process everything in the same way.  This was obviously unrealistic -- and yet, I really did have this unbalanced desire to be completely enmeshed.

  I've never really wanted to have a 'dissociative' marriage of being two completely individualized hard boiled eggs -- although there are definitely *m o m e n t s* in extreme conflict.  Sometimes, in the passion of the moment, it does seem like it'd be much easier to not have to share, figure everything out and get to a place of understanding with the other or to a place of complete reconciliation and resolution.  It seems much "easier" to go your own way, do your own thing, your own way -- but that's not really a marriage, is it?  I feel like any argument left unreconciled would be like laying down a brick between husband and wife.  The more arguments that are swept under the rug, the more times a spouse walks away or when both choose stubbornly to 'agree to disagree', the more bricks are built on top of each other until you have a thick, overbearing wall.  You just don't want that.   Need to reconcile, need to talk, need to break down the wall and not have a hard boiled marriage.

  But 'sunny side up' -- how do you do it?  How to maintain the delicate balance of uniqueness in the midst of unity - a twoness in the oneness? 

  I don't know, but I feel also like I don't need to answer that question in a concrete way.  I do, however, want to keep pondering the question and holding it before us as we move forward with this visual as our goal.           

  • 10:46 pm
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