July 10, 2007

• My Whole World

  "If this god of yours was so powerful, why didn't he save (Apostle) Paul from execution?"
  "I don't know:  however hidden it may be, there was a purpose." - from "Echo in the Darkness" by Francine Rivers
       A reminder to me again that we do not live in chaos and at the mercy of circumstances and events as we see them unravel.  God is sovereign, in control of it all.  There is always a purpose.

  I think that was the truth that hit me again Sunday night while I was praying as Sam packed for yet another work trip.  All kinds of fears came to my mind (perhaps mostly because we just watched Miss Potter followed by The Notebook):  What if his plane crashed?  What if he died?  What if I never see him again?  That night, the realization that my husband is very much 'my whole world' hit me.  Surely this was something I had always wanted to avoid when I had a crush on him, when we were dating, when we were engaged...  But somehow in the weeks and months that have passed since we became one, he has become the most important person to me in the entire world.  On the surface, it seems that this is how it should be.  But delving deeper, the scary implication is that he has come to mean more to me than God - as my grip around him is so tight, I can't even fathom the heartache that would ensue if it was God's will to take Sam away.  If there was a choice, I don't want God's will; I just want Sam.  In realizing this, I know something absolutely must change.  I need to break the lies that incite the white-knuckle grip on my husband.

  Truth:  Sam belongs to God.  He is a gift from God.  Whatever God's will is, it is good.  Everything happens within God's will.  He will give sufficient grace for wherever He will lead us.  If He were ever to take Sam away, He will provide for me emotionally, physically, financially, and every which way.  He has always done it - all of my life; He will never stop.  He is my lover; I am His beloved.  He will never abandon, leave nor forsake me.  I can trust Him.

  Before, I never felt like I had anything to lose - not really.  Yes, there's my parents, sister and nephew, but somehow, it's easier to believe they could be entrusted in God's hands.  I wasn't really afraid of losing them - or my self.  It was a lot easier when I was single to give myself up completely - to live in reckless abandon to His will.  Go anywhere?  Sure.  Die?  Sure.  Persecution?  Sure.  Suffering?  Sure.  No material possessions?  Sure.  But with a husband - one whom I love so much, who is inextricably connected to my very own heartstrings - it seems nearly impossible to be so reckless.  My life and his life cause gigantic ripple effects on each other.  Imagining life without him is imagining a degree of pain of the greatest kind which I have never come even close to knowing before.  I want to run from pain, avoid pain, pray pain away -- and yet, I know pain cannot be avoided until His Kingdom comes.

  I long for a painless life for my husband, who is me -- and for the future children who will come out of the union of our love.  It's a thing beyond comprehension to have parts of myself walking outside of my body, but that's what I imagine my children will be to me.  That's what Sam is to me.  They are separate persons and yet they are not.  They are a part of me.  And yet where they go is outside of my control.  I can't always protect, I can't always guard, I can't always shield. 

  Thinking about all this, I realize that there is just no possible way to "live" but to trust God, to entrust these beloved parts of myself to Him.  He can always protect and guard and love in the way that I cannot.  Pain for myself I can bear, but pain in my beloved I cannot.  And yet His grace is sufficient.  He can carry them through their pain and present them before Himself in exactly the way He would so desire - perfection.

  I need to stop living in fear of pain.  God hasn't given me this life to be in pursuit of Easy Street.  My purpose here is to worship my Creator and become more and more like Him.  Both of which come at a high cost (read: pain).  Costly, but worth it.  So here is to saying, "Yes, Lord" again to whatever road He wants to take me on.  Me and Sam.

  • 4:37 am
  • 6 Comments