July 26, 2006

• Pivotal Moments
  All my life, I had dreamed of getting married.  It was an unhealthy obsession, a bottomless ache, an unending yearning for a state of being that was magnified to such exaggerated proportions, it was so far from reality that Jesus had to come in and eradicate it completely.  The idea of marriage was not only an ideal in my heart but it was also an idol which distracted me from keeping God central.  I was fearful of the question, What if God didn’t want me to get married?  Typical of most women, I feared a lifetime of loneliness.  But atypical of most women, I also greatly feared that being single might make me useless and irrelevant in a couple’s world, where everyone seemed to be paried off somehow.  How could I minister to other women (especially ones who were in relationships)?  The pivotal moment in my life came four years ago in a conversation I had with the Lord:

  
  

  June 19, 2002
  I realized today after an amazing conversation with the Lord that what I need in my life is not a man to fulfill all my wishes and dreams – because that place, that role, is already filled by the Son of Man.  I will not be any less useful to the Lord as a single person.  I am not “half” of a better whole.  I am whole and wholly useful.  In fact, I am unhindered and unencumbered.  Today, I put marriage on the altar and stabbed a knife right through it and walked away.  I really gave it to God this time and I did not take it back.  I believe I will never be the same again.

  
  

  Here’s the conversation:
  Me:  Will the women whom I am to shepherd seek me less becuase I am “single”? 
  God:  No.  It’s a lie to believe that.  If they are truly seeking after me, they will seek godly counsel and heed it.
  Me:  Lord, what if my lack of personal experience leaves me wholly unprepared for the questions that will come?
  God:  Godly, biblical counsel does not come from personal experiencce but from the Bible.  There will be enough wisdom gained from being a disciple and really pressing into that to give good counsel that applies to relationships.  Besides, the Spirit will lead.  Listen to Him!
  Me:  Will I be satisfied (if I am to be single all my life)?
  God:  Should that be a question?  You will be more than satisfied and fulfilled.
       The bottom line:  Keep following.  Trust me!  [Long pause.]
  God:  I am honored that you are offering me all of yourself like this.  I know how much marriage meant to you and how much it has always meant to you.
  Me:  Lord, I choose you as better and best.  There is no other besides you.  I love you above all things.  Even the things that have always meant so much to me.  I love you, Lord.  I love you.  Thanks for giving me the chance to offer you something that I love, that I’ve always dreamed of.  Thanks for the opportunity to show you how much you mean to me.  You have my whole heart, Lord.  May this truth never change.

  
  

  [A little while later.]
  Me:  I understand that right now, you want me to love you only, offer myself to you only, plan my life around you only.  I do not know what you will ask of me in the future, but for now, I know I want to offer you all of me.  No marriage – just missions.  And may it be so.  As you wish.  Thy will be done.

  
  

  [Later]
  Me:  Children.  What about children, Lord?  I’ve always wanted to have children.
  God:  You will have spiritual children.  Different than you ever dreamed of – but ever more wonderful and beautiful and lovely to love – because they will be precious gems from Me.
  Me:  But, Lord, I can’t imagine a whole lifetime being alone.  Thinking about my whole life down the line is overwhelming.
  God:  Don’t think about that.  I will lead you step by step in the way you should go.  Just trust me.  I’ve led you thusfar, haven’t I?
  Me:  Yes, Lord.

  
  

  [Long Pause]
  Me:  And so…this is it?  This determines my future career as a single person?
       I do not exclaim that mournfully…just overwhelmed by this.
  God:  Oh, Mary Ann!  You’re gonna love what I have planned for you.  You’re gonna love it!  It’s simply delightful.
  Me:  And you will always be my companion?  I will never feel alone or lonely?  You wll satisfy my every need?
  God:  I will give you everything you need.
  Me:  I will get to a deeper intimacy and dependency than the average believer, won’t I?
  God:  Exactly.
  [Pause]
  God:  Is it worth it to you, Mary Ann?
  Me:  Yes, I think so, Lord.
       But will you show me even more?
  God.  Of course.

  
  

  July 26, 2006
  And He did!  It’s now four years from the time I had this conversation with God, and truly, He allowed me to counsel and minister and be relevant to other women (single, dating and married), He gave me spiritual children who are such precious beautiful gems, He led me step by step all those years, and best of all, He gave me a companionship with Him which was more wonderful that anything I could’ve ever imagined.  I know that moment of putting marriage on the altar of sacrifice in 2002 and the journey that He brought me on were all necessary before bringing me to today.  Today when I am wondering if my being married will make me irrelevant to women who are single – and praying that it would not be so.  (I want so badly to always be wholly useful to the Lord in every way with every changing season and role which God gives to me.)  Married. I’m going to be married soon.  Married with the deep, deep knowledge that the fullness of satisfaction only comes from my Lord Jesus.  And oh how I have loved what He had planned for me.  It really has been simply delightful — just as He promised.  This morning’s quiet time – “The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all He has made.”  Ps 145:13b.  Amen!

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