June 18, 2004
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So last week I got an email from the China Program Director of PESI with a proposal: would I consider leading the team?
I felt like Peter in John 21. After having denied Jesus 3 times, Jesus reinstates him. For every denial, he’s given the opportunity to take it back and declare love in its place. To top it off, Peter is given an assignment – a “charge” – to be a shepherd and feed Jesus’ flock.
This past year or two has felt like a series of denials from me toward Jesus. How many times have I turned away from Him and said, “I can’t”? I’ve been too scared and fearful of investing, committing, loving, being vulnerable, giving my heart and life away to others. I’ve been afraid of exhaustion, afraid of not bearing fruit, afraid of burn out. I had, in essence, run away from what I was created to do – make disciples.
It was only a few days prior to getting the email that I had recognized, admitted and confessed my fears with a committed willingness to invest in others again. And I was humbled. Humbled because, God didn’t say, “No, Mary Ann, too bad, you lost your chance!” He didn’t say, “Since you rejected my previous proposals and denied those opportunities, I’m never going to let you lead, teach or shepherd again.” He doesn’t punish me or put me on probation. Instead, He says, “Good, you’re ready! Here you go!” And I’m given a second chance.
It’s like a second chance at life. Because to serve Him in this way, to exercise my gift, to be a shepherd – it makes me come alive!
And though I stand unqualified with no experience on the field, He says, “That’s exactly as I want it, so that my power might be displayed and demonstrated.” (2 Cor 4:7) He will make me competent. (2 Cor 3:5)
It is ineffable, this love. [selah]
