May 19, 2004
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Man’s Touch/Woman’s Touch & Affirmation
My boss is a man-man. His actions are very male: simple, direct, in control, takes responsibility and never hesitates to take the lead.
We went out to lunch today and I noticed these things again. He always opens the door for me to the car; when we’re in the restaurant, he asks me what I want and then he tells the cashier/waiter what we are ordering; he always pays; he always prays. There is just no question who’s leading.
At work, he is always affirming. “Mary Ann, you’re irreplaceable,” he says. “This is very difficult, but you do such a good job with it.” And even when he’s teasing, it’s affirming. He says to someone else, “She types faster than I think.”
He even affirms me for being a woman. Though he’s such a man, he affirms me for bringing such a woman’s touch into our office. I love that I don’t have to feel embarrassed by wanting to personalize things or bring a sense of femininity to things or doing things way different than he would do them (simply because I’m a woman and not a man). ‘Cause though he wouldn’t think of it, he’s glad for what I bring. The other day, in reference to something I suggested, he said, “That’s why God gave man woman!”
Lessons Learned:
- I realize this about myself. I love being a woman. And for me, I’d better find a man – who is not necessarily feminine – but a man who appreciates the femininity in me – not despising, scorning or scoffing at it.
- The more of a “gentleman” a man is, the more of a “lady” a woman can be (and vice versa). That’s just the way it works.
- Affirmation is so important. I think I’ve been too much in a context of people who are too hesitant to affirm. I believe there are two reasons: 1. We’re afraid it might seem shady if we affirm the opposite sex too often and 2. We grew up Asian. Well, I say, get over it. We really need to practice affirmation regularly.
- I realize this about myself. I love being a woman. And for me, I’d better find a man – who is not necessarily feminine – but a man who appreciates the femininity in me – not despising, scorning or scoffing at it.
Comments (9)
word. i quite agree. :D
mary ann, your weirdness and dorkiness are unique characteristic traits held by few others that i know.
who said asians can’t be affirming!
haha…terrible. that’s exactly why asians aren’t affirming!
right on mree!
yeah, thanks for the case in point of nonaffirming asians, dopepigoo
hahaha, ok, seriously now.
what do you mean by:
The more of a “gentleman” a man is, the more of a “lady” a woman can be (and vice versa). That’s just the way it works.
cuz haven’t you seen it where the more gentleman-ly (servant-like, caring, sensitive) a guy is, sometimes a woman can take it for granted and become more “manly” (un-caring, bossy, harsh)?
to answer dopepigoo: of course a woman can take advantage of it. my statement wasn’t cause & effect nor was it absolute, it was more proverbial. if a man behaves like a gentleman, it gives the woman freedom to be a lady. she then doesn’t have to take on the roles that she doesn’t feel comfortable with b/c they’re supposed to be taken by the man.
i’ve never seen it when a guy acts more gentlemanly and the woman becomes more bossy. why would she do that? seems so counter-intuitive.
more thoughts on this from: http://www.xanga.com/item.aspx?user=searchingfortreasures&tab=weblogs&uid=63475467
your boss seems to have a healthy balance of affirmation without crossing any boundaries – that’s what we need in life! I remember my old pastor up north used to say that the guys (just friends) would need to be more gentleman-like and we girls had to accept it (b/c sometimes I would be stubborn and say, “I can do it myself!”) But over the years, I really take that to heart and accept it and oust the pride. We really do need to affirm each other’s roles much more than we do, especially in the asian cultures. This will make for much more healthier relationships – whether just friends or more than friends…but remember being friends is learning ground for other closer relationships. Just like I believe how a man treats his mother is an example of how he will treat his wife…
Mary Ann, you are most certainly a wonderful person, and not only are you fun to hang out with, you are one of the women in my own age group I most respect!
And, personally, I have spent most of my life trying to be servant-like, caring, and sensitive, and I have never found a woman respond to me by being bossy.