April 1, 2004

• Excerpts from my Heart

  I've been told a few times that I seem to write a lot about relationships.  I confess:  I do!  I do it because it's far easier to write those brief thoughts and have it make sense without having to explain everything than to tell you what I'm really thinking about - because what I'm really thinking about requires a lot of explanation.  Today, I've decided to give you a glimpse into what really occupies my mind.  True excerpts from my secret journal. 

  Mar 13 - I've always wondered if it's true that God could satisfy all our desires with "good things" (Ps 103).  What about physical?  How does God "satisfy" sexual desire?  Then I realized today that it must be that the satisfaction of the soul and spirit is so fulfilling that it leaves physical longings in the dust.  God's love, reality and presence satisfies your soul & spirit so well, your body is not left in want. 

  Mar 14 - I don't know what the "best thing" I could do for you, Lord.  It's a mystery.  I pray that you would lead me to that place and that I don't cling to my lesser dreams.

  Mar 19 - What if God didn't give me this internship after all, then what?  My first thought for Plan B was to find a job with a comfortable salary.  My flesh longs for security so badly.  It seems so much easier to make lotsa money and offer it to missionaries and stay here and live comfortably ... I remember when I could pick up the tab for dinner.  That was nice.  If I must keep waiting (and not have some sort of assignment), can't I have that life?
      It seems like God is saying no.  That life is not meant for me.  (Oh, the battles of the flesh - the temptation of materialism and the false security that this world offers!)  -- I must remember that it is false security.  Satan uses this false security to lull and lure even the most fervent professing believer.  And that could easily be me!  I could be distracted straight out of missions and then out of the Kingdom in no time.  Forget bringing Jesus' love to others; I would've forgotten it too. Scary!  True security comes from Jesus, not a job!
      ...Plan B. There is no Plan B!  Plan B is God.
      But the point of this whole anguish of soul, I realize now, is that Plan A should also be God.  My hope - not in this internship, but God.

  Mar 22 - My heart & my hope & my mind has been fixed on such temporal, horizontal things.  It is a foolish way to live.  Oh Lord, I pray that you break me of the habit of fixing myself on things that won't last forever - not on the next plan, the next place or the next person - and not even on the next purpose.  May it be on you, instead.  Oh Lord, help me to hang my heart and hope upon You alone Jesus.  May you have my rapt attention.  May my heart be wrapped around You.  You must be the prize I pursue, the goal I run after, the treasure I seek.  Otherwise, this journey becomes an insipid waste.

  Is this really my life?  ... It seems so surreal - like I should wake up any moment now and all these things were just a figment of my imagination.  And of all the things that God is teaching me, it is that I can't put my hope in anything but Him.  He's really ramming that message in my head.  Anything could happen tomorrow.  Nothing is a sure thing.  Life is full of surprises.

  Mar 24 - At the end of the day - though there was no struggle or battle, I still find myself facing an altar (namely, a pile of rocks) - so the question always stares me in the face - will I offer or will I not?  Everything I want and I think I want or even only half want gets placed on the altar.  It's material for sacrifice.

  Mar 25 - Is it really my turn now to pick up and leave?  I'll really get to go to China this year?  All these yrs I said that I wanted to follow You anywhere and I said I'd leave things behind - fam, frenz & field - and I thought it'd be so hard a sacrifice...and now could it be that it's time?  Now that it's time, it's not so hard.  It's not so terrible when compared to the incredible privilege of being able to leave it behind for You.  I get to leave stuff behind for You?!  You count me worthy, Lord?  I'm one of your chosen ones?  Oh Lord, I can't believe it.

  Mar 26 - I had all this longing to watch Pride & Prejudice, but alas, I barely got through the first disc before I had to stop it.  It was too difficult to watch when I was battling the question - would I even have my own love story?  I couldn't watch while I feared that the answer was no.  Darcy says to Eliz, "I must tell you how much I ardently admire & love you."  The longing of my vulnerable heart is to be wooed in such a way.

  Mar 28 - Sometimes when I'm just standing there thinking, my mind flashes back to some sort of memory that fills me with warmth. I realize that it is simply an ache or longing for a place called "home."  My mind just naturally defaults to a place of love, hope and happiness, of safety & comfort.  My heart is searching for a place called home - only it can't find it really - b/c all the places it reaches for are places that no longer exist.  I can't go back "home."  I'm a permanent sojourner as long as I am on earth.  Everything is transitory.
      If I'm going to be a missionary, I really must learn to make my home in Christ.  Jesus will never leave me nor forsake me.  He must be "home" to me.  He must be my restingplace, my safety, my happy thought, my cherished love divine.

  Mar 29 - Mark 4:35-41 - In the storm, Jesus is in the boat with me.  He's in control.  I guess the disciples panicked b/c they thought Jesus wasn't aware of the problem. I mean Jesus wasn't doing anything at all.  I guess they thought they needed to make Him aware.  So relevant!  How often in the silence of waiting do I think that God doesn't "know" what's going on?  But He knows.  I have no need to fear.  He will keep me safe.  He is Master over even the wind and waves.  Why not trust?

  Mar 31 - I never thought the cross (at Mt. Soledad) meant anything to me - but I guess it does.  It's existence has been a significant spiritual landmark.  But it's just another marker in my life - and now it's removal is serving as a significant marker as well.  How strange.  Stop being so sentimental, Mary Ann!  It's time to move on.
      Sometimes I feel like I could so easily burn all the bridges behind me - and in my excitement & enthusiasm, I pro'ly would (but then afterwards weep over the ashes & the fact that I can't go back, so now it's too late and time to move forward).  But then sometimes my feet feel as heavy as lead, and I simply can't move from where I am.  It must be Christ's love that compels me, b/c nothing else would be powerful enough impetus to move me forward and leave everything behind.

  Apr 1 - His words are comfort to me, "Take courage!  It is I.  Don't be afraid" (Mrk 6:50).  He is saying, "It is I AM" - I AM God, don't be afraid.  In between the lines, I think God is whispering to me to just sit back and simply wait.  Don't do anything.  Don't worry.  Don't be confused.  Just wait.

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