December 15, 2003

• Growing Up in the Eyes of Your Parents

  College is a difficult time for Asian Americans.  You move away from home for the very first time and you transition into becoming an adult.  You begin to choose on a daily basis how you will invest your time:  when and if you will study, eat, date, sleep, do your laundry, etc.  The freedom to make these choices establishes your identity as an independent individual, and you grow accustomed to being able to make decisions about your own life.

  Meanwhile, your parents are still back at home with only the memory of you as their teenage son or daughter.  When you go home, they treat you as the person they said goodbye to at the airport in the September of your freshman year.  “No freedom,” you call it.  And you begin to revert back to being a high schooler because they’ve treated you like one.  You yell at them (even though you promised yourself you would not), you omit the whole truth (it’s less hassle if they don’t know everything), you hide in your room (you don’t want to contend with them), and though you know you shouldn’t, you resent them.  They give you a curfew, they’re on your case about hanging out with your friends so much (“you care about them more than us!  why don’t you spend time with us?” they say), and nag you about what you are going to do with your life 24/7.  By the time you get to the second day of break, you can’t wait to get back to campus.   Sound familiar?

  A parent’s job is to help you grow from childhood to adulthood.  They are to teach you the ways of the Lord and ultimately entrust you into His care – as you grow into maturity.  There’s a point when they must let go.  There’s a point where they no longer should be the voice of authority over your life, but your friend. 

  The problem is that parenthood doesn’t come with a manual.  Most parents don’t know this, don’t recognize that it’s time to let go, or just can’t bear to let go.  For your mom, you are basically her “heart,” walking around outside her body.  And your dad has a stake in you; he’s invested in you all these years; he wants to guard you, protect you and make sure you settle well in life.  It’s hard for them to let go.

  So what do you do?  As you grow up, you’ve gotta help your parents understand that you’ve grown up too.  You have to give them the chance to see that you have grown up.  It’s not going to happen in a summer, and it may not even happen by the end of college, either.  It’s a gradual process that you have to keep working on.

  Some things I recommend: 
  1.  When you go home for vacation, make sure that the first thing you do is to hang out with your parents.  Don’t call up all your old friends and hang out with them on the first night.  Don’t bring home all your college friends and ignore your parents.  They haven’t seen you in a long time, talk to them.
  2.  Communicate with them what you are thinking and planning for the future.  Tell them how you got from A to B.  If you don’t have a concrete plan (and that’s the problem), communicate to them how you are thinking about it.  They just want to know that you’re not just frittering your life away at college and that you are taking life seriously.
  3.  When you know that God wants you to do something that they do not, make sure you communicate to them first that you respect their opinion and you’ve considered their counsel, but that you really think God wants you to do such-and-such; tell them the reasons why and your plan of action.  Don’t be afraid to do what God wants you to do.  This is a critical part of establishing independence.  It’s also a critical part of becoming a man or woman of God, which is what you are destined for.
  4.  Communicate verbally with your parents as often as you can how much you love them.  Along with that, show them that you love them in their love language (e.g. wash their car, wash the dishes, mow the lawn, write them notes, go out with them one-on-one, talk – whatever makes them feel loved).
  5.  While you’re away at college, make it a point to call them regularly and keep them in your life (i.e. every Saturday morning or every other Saturday).  Update them on the daily grind of school, life and friends.  That’s how you will establish a friendship with them.
  6.  Remember that though they have brought you up and cared for you, you do not owe it to them to do everything they want you to do.  They should not be dictating your life.  Only God should, because, ultimately, you belong to God.  He is your master.  Your parents had you on loan.  
  7.  If you do not feel like you love your parents, then you must pray for love.  Only God can (and will) give you that kind of love.  Act toward them in love (serve them!) and your feelings will follow.

  If you are out of college and still fighting for your independence, then I would recommend 1-7 (those that apply) as well as the need to get financially independent as soon as possible.  You might also want to seek wisdom in regard to whether or not living at home again would be of benefit or not.

  Ultimately, your relationship with your parents ought not be considered a dark cloud of oppression over your head nor should it act as a hindrance in your ability to serve and follow God.  Rather, as you grow into mature adulthood, it should transform into a warm and wonderful friendship which inspires you to live and love more for Jesus.  I believe that’s the way God would want it. 

  • 12:26 pm
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