December 3, 2003

• Alluring Femininity

  [Private journal entry from May 9, 2003]

   While shopping today, I found myself shirking off girlishness as the world has deemed it.  Something in me rebels and is repulsed by the provocative adornments that are proffered to women today.  I just don’t want to be that kind of woman.  I embrace my femininity but I do not want to do it the way the world dictates.  Embracing femininity by the world’s standards, seems to me to be like exploiting my femininity.  As much as I might want to be alluring to men, I don’t want to do it at the expense of displeasing God.  I despise the subliminal message that is being sold along with the product.

              I know most men appreciate women who are armed with what they would define as femininity.  To some men, that might mean wearing or choosing certain feminine clothes or accessories that I don’t routinely choose.  Sometimes I wish I could embody the kind of femininity that would conform to the sense of womanhood that most men uphold.  I find myself wanting to be someone I am not in order to be attractive to them.  And I wish and I want, but I can’t spend all my single days altering myself for their sake.  For if some guy becomes attracted to the alteration of myself, will he be disappointed when my true self surfaces?  Have I not deceived him?  Will I be insecure later on down the line and wonder if he truly loves me for me or for the person that I created myself to be – the one that I think that he would love?  Will I end up the loser in the long run? 

  It’s just not worth it.  I am only feminine to the certain extent that God has made me to be, and it’s okay to be just that.  I can’t go around beating myself up for not being good enough – not meeting the supposed standard of a man who’s opinions I might respect.  Let me be the woman God wants me to be, and let that be all.  I want him to choose the me that I am and not the me that I am not.  If he does not choose, then I have not lost the better that God has for me.

  • 5:05 pm
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