November 20, 2003
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A heavy sense of loneliness seems to come upon me in waves. It hits me with the impact of one of those annoying Big Rigs that are always parked on World Trade Drive (which make it impossible to turn out). In those initial moments, I feel like I could either sit on the floor while the reverbations echo through my head or get up, shrug it off and pretend like it was nothing.
How easy it easy for me to let my feelings dictate my sense of reality. Even while knowing it is not reality.
My aloneness is partially by choice. I feel frequent, intense desires to be alone and spend as much time with God as possible. When I don’t spend time with Him like that, there is a huge sense of emptyness. All is not right with the world. And when I’m with Him like that, I feel as though I can shut the whole world out, and it wouldn’t make a difference to me.
But then there are other moments when I realize what shutting people out really means. I know I need people. I need a community. I need people to laugh with, act silly with, make memories with. I don’t know where to find that delicate balance…
Comments (3)
So are you talking about loneliness or aloneness? They are 2 different issues. Being alone doesn’t mean that you are lonely. Having the right amount of aloneness(like what you are doing) is healthy and is necessary for our spiritual discipline. Aloneness shouldn’t lead to loneliness, but it seems like your aloneness with God is causing you to feel lonely because you feel like you can ‘shut the whole world out’. I guess my questions would be…what compels you to spend time with people? Do you find satisfication from God through spending time with people?
Reminds me of a song… Pat Greene, “Wave On Wave” an almost Christian testimonal…
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Mile upon mile, got no direction
We’re all playin’ the same game
We’re all lookin’ for Redmeption
Just afraid to say the Name
All caught up now in pretending
What we’re seekin’ is the Truth
I’m just lookin’ for a happy ending
All I’m lookin’ for is You
And it came upon me wave on wave
You’re the reason I’m still here (yeah)
Am I the one you were sent to save
And it came upon me wave on wave
Wave on… wave.
alone and loneliness. both.
Kanfood, you asked if I get satisfaction from God by being with people. I guess the answer would be “sometimes.” Only when we speak of the things that are closest to our hearts, the things of God, the things of life… NOT when we watch TV or merely talk about what we did today without talking about how we feel about we did, etc… Hope that makes sense. I think Angie knows what I mean.