July 30, 2008
-
Hurt
I had myself a good cry tonight. It’s been a long time since that has happened. I’ve been feeling really tired and exhausted and angry lately. The exhaustion is on the surface, but the anger is deep, down in there somewhere and I only know about it because every once in awhile, it rises up when I am impatient with our baby. As I cried, I kept thinking, “Lord, why am I so angry? Why am I so tired?” Fostering presumes that you are going to give a better home to a child than the one they came from. How presumptuous. Lord, what made me think I am so much better? Seems like there’s so much anger in me. I don’t know where it comes from. I am so controlling. When she doesn’t do what I want her to do, I get angry. I am the kind of parent I never wanted to be. And then I began to realize that I was angry at my dad. Anger comes from hurt. I am hurt that he hasn’t spoken to me since we became foster parents. I am hurt that he is treating us like we have committed the worse crime just because we did what he didn’t want us to do. I am hurt that he didn’t even call me on my birthday. I am sad mostly because I love my dad so much, and it hurts me that he has shut me out.
Comments (13)
Don’t be discouraged, Mary Ann. You are doing a WONDERFUL thing by caring for your little foster baby. I understand how we all desire our parents’ approval. I am sorry that you have to deal with this right now.
Remember that you have a heavenly Father who is pleased by you, who delights in you, whom you will meet face to face one day as He embraces you and tells you, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”
I am praying for you guys. Hold fast to the best reason to get up in the morning: The good news of Jesus Christ. Rest your hopes on the person of Jesus Christ.
thanks for sharing so openly, for letting your life be transparent to people you don’t know. i really wish you well.
Thank you for being so vulnerable, Mary Ann. What you are doing has to be one of the most emotionally exhausting challenges a person could willingly take on–and I think you are doing an amazing job of being a parent. I really appreciate your honesty about how difficult this time can be…and I hope and pray with you that your father will be able to let go of his anger and appreciate this beautiful decision you have made to share your love with a little one.
praying for you…
and consider going to therapy (when Sam’s home and can take care of the baby).
cast your cares on Him, mary ann. He cares for you … & baby.
<3
i think it’s wonderful how God brings truth to our emotions… i feel like he’s been doing that a lot with me lately. i almost thought you were writing about me.
will pray for you tonight before i sleep. i miss you a lot. i thank you for your candidness always.
Hey! How great it was to get your next post–I read this entry when I was on the road and wasn’t able to respond, but I was praying you two would have some good support from other sources, esp. other foster parents who will understand your struggles more than most of the rest of us.
Good to know you do have opportunities to mingle and interact with others in the program. We’re continuing to pray and root for you and S. May you continue to find more support from many different kinds of community, even if not from the immediate (human) family. Keep up the hard work, and know that you three are in our prayers!
: ( Thanks for sharing. Its great that you’re able to pinpoint the source of your emotions… I’ll be praying for you.
thanks for being so honest. *hugs*
Welcome to motherhood. It does keep you on your toes. I think you are doing a wonderful job in parenting. I hope your father will come around sooner rather than later. Please keep up the wonderful job because the world needs people like you and Sam.
Thanks so much, everyone, for your encouraging responses/comments and for your prayers. I’ve continued to pray about the situation and seeking God on how to go about getting reconciled. Not sure yet but will update you all.
im praying for you mary ann!