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Tuesday, 10 November 2009

Trees of Praise

I just found this poem I wrote on our honeymoon a few years ago, which I wrote in my Palm Pilot as we were driving around...

trees
ever-stretching before us,
vast and wide, a multitude
unending, surrounding,
around, all around us.

arms
outstretched to heaven
giving praise, pouring out the gratitude that spills from the depths of our souls to
the Maker who brought us together to this place.

rivers
stretching, winding, wrapping around sandpoints, the foot of mountains –
miles of glass, mirrors of, reflections of,
the trees of praise.

25 miles an hour --

a quiet town
sleeps, sits, stands, settles without hurry, whispers
praise to the God of all creation who speaks in magnified magnificence to all who pass through --

Tuesday, 03 November 2009

Psalm 16:2

I say to the LORD, "You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing."

The idea is simple:

With God, I have everything. Without Him, I have nothing.

Without God, I may have things, but I have no good thing.

The idea is simple, but the truth is hard to live out.

Monday, 02 November 2009

Lack of Words

Some people have a loss of words - some of the time. For me, it's more like a lack of words - most of the time. It hasn't always been like this, but it has been in recent times. To quote a friend -- my life seems like a string of awkward moments. Conversations with acquaintances are often stilted and full of pauses, with silent ums, more pauses and then something rather pedestrian spat out. The awkward moments in my life seem to be piling up very high and make me bow my head in shame. How often do I review those moments and think of things I could've said to generate better conversation which result in deeper meaning, instead of dead-end questions or answers which fall flat with a splat on the cold, hard floor. And how many times have I bookmarked questions to ask in the next encounter only to find myself in that later encounter, blanking out and in the middle of another awkward conversation. So many awkward moments with a lack of words has left me so disheartened. It's not just that I feel embarrassed by those vapid conversations. It's that my heart longs for deep and meaningful moments with people. Who wants a life filled with polite, meaningless exchanges? I don't think anybody does really. But how do I get beyond those awkward moments?

Tuesday, 20 October 2009

Heart Walking Outside My Body

“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” Elizabeth Stone

I had heard a mom share this quote with me ages ago when I was fresh out of college and quite far from being a mom. At that time, I could only imagine what that truly meant. But it took only seconds of having my baby outside of my body for me to begin to fully grasp what those words mean. She is my heart, my very heart, walking around outside my body. For days after we first brought her home, I kept finding myself suddenly aware of the fact that I had been holding my breath for an indeterminable amount of time -- waiting, wondering if she was okay. Certain questions kept pursuing me. Why is she crying? Was she breathing? Was she eating enough? How come she's not sleeping?

One day after I had put her down in her crib, hoping desperately that she would stay asleep, I had a meltdown. And as I cried and poured out my heart to God (the worries and anxieties about her well-being and the disappointments about the pregnancy and the birth), I came to a critical moment where I knew that I had to make a decision. Either I would spend the rest of my life worrying about her every waking moment or I could give her every waking moment to God. The former seemed like a horrific way to live, but I knew it could easily be something I would slip into. The latter seemed like the only way to go, but I knew it required a very conscious decision to surrender -- in that moment and everyday ever after.

My surrender in that moment allowed me to breathe again.

But if I want to keep breathing, I need to keep surrendering -- because God really is the only one who can keep her safe. No amount of worry will add a day to her life.

But I am still learning. Sometimes I still find myself holding my breath when she cries. Oh Lord, please teach me to surrender.

A Mother's Prayer, Celine Dion

I pray you'll be my eyes
And watch her where she goes
And help her to be wise
Help me to let go

Every mother's prayer
Every child knows
Lead her to a place
Guide her with your grace
To a place where she'll be safe

I pray she finds your light
And holds it in her heart
As darkness falls each night
Remind her where you are

Every mother's prayer
Every child knows
Need to find a place
Guide her to a place
Give her faith so she'll be safe

Lead her to a place
Guide her with your grace
To a place where she'll be safe

Saturday, 17 October 2009

My first baby

Our little foster baby turned two last month. TWO! It's hard for me to imagine that the little, tiny baby who was only crawling when she came to us is two years old. As I have been parenting our little (biological) baby, I often reflect back to the time when we fostered. I am kinda amazed, actually, when I think that we actually decided to foster. I half think to myself, "What the heck were we thinking??" because parenting is such hard work. If I knew then what I know now, I'm not sure I would sign up to foster. But the reality is that even though we only fostered both the baby girl and the baby boy for a very short amount of time, it really felt like a lifetime (at least, for the little girl), and I will always think of them as our children. I know that no one else considers this to be true, but I will always think of that little girl as my first baby, and there's a part of my heart that will always be hers. Happy birthday, little one! May God continue to watch over you wherever you go.