August 5, 2009
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And yet my heart aches
Dear Jesus,
It’s been a long time since we’ve had a deep, meaningful conversation. Well, we might’ve had one last week, but missing even one day with you feels like a thousand years have passed. I feel estranged from you — like you are on the other side of a Grand Canyon cliff. If I’m not in constant communion with you (as Brother Lawrence was), it feels like I have to make use of this Bridge you’ve provided for me (again) and make that treacherous journey across. I feel distant from you. I feel embarrassed that after 13 years of knowing you, I’m still such an infant in my spirituality. Why am I unable to keep in step with you at every minute of every hour? Why is there still such a battle with the flesh? My mind is not as much aware of you as it should be, my heart not beating in unison with yours, my spirit not responding to every nuance of your Spirit. When “deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls”, I can’t seem to block out the roars and hear the deepest part of you calling out to the deepest part of me. And yet my heart aches. My days are filled with things I must do, finish and accomplish. They seem so urgent and important, and they crowd you out. And yet my heart aches. I can continue on this pretense that life is manageable without constant, continual acknowledgment of your presence, but I am only tiring myself out. Jesus, I need you. I’m sorry for the pretense. I’m sorry for the distance. I’m sorry for always standing on the other side of the cliff when you’ve been waiting every moment for me to be right by your side. I want to have deep, meaningful conversations with you again — the kind that exists between old friends as they sit in the same room together for hours on end without ceasing…
Comments (2)
I loved this, Mary Ann.
<3 I remember the day you took some of us Nav girls to the beach for devotionals and then we had Tofu House for lunch. You gave us a devotional about communion with God and how to keep continual communion with Him.
May you find yourself close to the side of the One that you’ve so often pushed others toward.
Love you.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I have been feeling the exact same way, and it is good to know I’m not alone, the only one struggling.
Many blessings on the impending birth of your wee one – we will be praying for you!