April 9, 2008

• Bleeding heart

  After our first foster parenting class tonight, the reality set in that the goal of fostering is reunification of the child with the parents.  If the parent fulfills certain requirements set by the court, the child will be reunified with their parent — whether or not we feel that it’s the best home for the child. 

  Knowing this, I find my heart crying out to God for the strength to walk so willingly into heartbreak — for surely, to become a foster parent means that my heart will be broken a million times over through the process.  I would only be deceiving myself if I think I can walk away untouched, unscathed and dry-eyed.  For being one who seeks so much to guard my heart from unnecessary pains and nuisances, this certainly will turn my world upside down.  How long has it been since I have built a tiny retaining wall around my heart?  I am so afraid of putting myself in positions of vulnerability that will result in a bleeding heart — am I now to run headlong right into it?  I have been running a hundred miles per hour in the opposite direction for who knows how long.  And now I have to ask why do I run so fast away from pain?  To truly hurt means that I have truly loved.  It’s the heart that has not loved that remains untouched – and that would place me nowhere near the heart of God.

  And as I think about it all, I find myself crying out to God to help me trust Him — to trust that when we have to give up a baby, He will take care of the baby ever after.  I know He will, but it’s easier to say it than live it.  About a million miles of toil stand between these words and their corresponding reality.

  I find myself thinking that it would be far, far easier to take the traditional route and just have biological children! 

  But there are 7,000 kids in the foster system in SD while there are only 1,400 foster families.  God will not let us stand on the sidelines and do nothing.  He didn’t call us to be benchwarmers.  His love for orphans echo through the pages of Scripture, and we can’t deny it.  Taking care of them is His idea of “true religion”.  And having already been led 20 miles down this direction, there’s just no turning back.  How can I see and know and understand without acting?  That would just be pure hypocrisy.

  Yes, (I’m coming to grips that) my heart is going to break a thousand times before it’s over.  (And so I confess that) I need God so desperately in this.  Can’t do it without Him!  Deathly afraid of heartbreak am I.  But, oh, how much better to be heartbroken, intimately involved, and praying than to be walking around blindly pretending that these injustices don’t exist.  How far – so very far – I’d be from the heart of God.

  • 2:50 am
  • 1 Comment